Goodbye's.

"The hardest thing about saying goodbye, is having to do it again everyday."

After 3 weeks of constant closeness, the goodbye had to come. We all had to walk out to my car and we all had to hug in the street. We all had to part, knowing that it would be 365 days times 2 till we'd be standing where we were at that moment. See ya later is only in the vocabulary of people who will meet eyes again soon, but goodbye's mean business. There's something about the uncertainty of the next visit that I can't diverge my mind from.

I'm in one of my favorite places in the whole wide world, tonight. Durango Colorado always gives me a shield of peace. I always seem to feel okay when I'm here. Put aside my mom's over-reactions and my father's asshole tendencies, and I am a happy girl to be here.

Even when I'm gone-I expect you to write, of course. I can't wait to come home and read everything that you have been going through-on here. Even though we'll be obvious pen pals...our blogs give hope. To me, atleast. I'm going to keep writing, too. Not on here, obviously, but a pen and paper will have to do. I'll send you my nothingness thoughts about how full I am. I have been here only a matter of hours and I feel so very full. Everything was worth the wait. Pathetically enough, I'm going to miss the hell out of you. It's been such a good 3 weeks. Honestly. I've never laughed so much in my life, and it really was the perfect medicine. I love you, I love you, I love you and know that I really am thinking and praying for you everyyyyy singgglleeee day. Not a day missed.

The next time I blog...I will be a happy girl. I know it. Because I already feel God I do, I feel him soaking into my skin, and I'm not even there yet. THAT is a reminder. I've been away for far too long. Not just from Colorado, but from my Dadddyyyy. I could cry I miss Him so much. Our relationship. Our closeness. I pray for this web to be untangled. Daddy I need you.

As for one of my dearest and truest friend ...sister...I'll see ya later.

Tick. Tock.

I saw this old reading. It was a reading a friend wrote about me. What makes me "tick".

"You feel abandoned by people. Always afraid of rejection. Want to appear like you aren't concerned with what others say or think about you. But their opinion affects you greatly. You want to seek God out but feel He will reject and hurt you like everyone else in your life."

It feels so true and then so far away from the truth. I forgot about this. This was her opinion...and even now it affects me greatly. Maybe she was right.

Family?

The overwhelmingness subsided a while ago. I got the break I needed and now I just feel detached. He leaves in two days and I've never felt further away from him than I do now. There's a schedule. I've barely seen him all week-and there's a schedule of things for you guys to do. Things you guys have planned. Dinner with your parents. I don't so much feel like a family anymore.

It's weird how easily your body seems to break down, sometimes. You can seem completely fine and then behind closed doors you fall apart. Every piece of you unravels and you feel less than whole. It's hard to feel too much, but empty to feel too little.

God, sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of doing anything right. I truly split open my life so often. Just lay it out so I can get a feel for things. Evaluating everything seems to make everything hurt more, but evaluations are just magnifying your life. So this is real and raw and that sucks.

I never really quite feel good enough. Granted, no one IS good enough, but I feel like everyone around me would rather have it another way...would rather have me NOT there. I guess it's always been a feeling I've had with my sister. She hardly ever got yelled at by my grents...she got diamonds when she was upset, right in front of my face. They would yell at me if I said the wrong thing-and when I went to hide beside their bed...no one looked for me. No one ever called out my name. I once hid their for hours, and they just went on eating dinner. I remember when I couldn't see them...it was the loneliest months of my life...and when I got them back...I was still in her shadow...I was still nearly visible...invisible. I can't tell you the anguish I feel everytime it's the four of us. They're so captivated by everything that leaves her lips...and anything that leaves mine is ignored...or belittled...or just plain thrown away.

I guess I really do have a trend of falling apart behind the doors. I become liquid because I can tell you that I'm the least solid person you'll ever meet. And my tears are as salty as flippin soy sauce, man.

Chances.

I just wanna sink my teeth into something as a reminder to live. This numbing life is only practical through the window. But then you open the door and remember how fucked you are. How fucked you feel. The glass is broken and your skin is burnt. Ya know...skin is just skin-but it's a lie that words are only words-because words make up everything, sweetheart. My god, they fill these pages, and they're all over billboards, arms, and broken windows. Waves of silence are filled with them. You think I'm kidding? Well there's no shame in proving you wrong.

I blink my eyes at the thought of silence. Is my God hiding in it? Is He sinking His own teeth into my pain? Is He feeling what I'm feeling? It's overwhelming. I once saw a play that moved me. I bit my lip instead of crying. I went home that night and demolished that script. I wrote down everything meaningful and put it all over my walls to re-evaluate my life.

I'm lonely tonight. Solitude makes sanity, but empty solitude is just painful. Excruciating. I'm staring at my fingertips wondering what I've touched. Who I've touched. Have I stopped anyone in their tracks, because I can't tell you how many times I've tripped at the thought of you...stopped at the sight of you. Of you all. And that's what makes this so hard.

Help.

I put the good things in the stars and I hang them up each night. Every night. The good things are what keep me going. I doubt God, alot. There is a space between us and I know that our relationship isn't really growing. I hurt people when I'm hurt. I don't mean to. I just want people to care. I yearn for it through all of this weariness. And most of the time I do an okay job of hiding all of my deep-rooted anguish-but, like right now, I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. I cut.