Family?

The overwhelmingness subsided a while ago. I got the break I needed and now I just feel detached. He leaves in two days and I've never felt further away from him than I do now. There's a schedule. I've barely seen him all week-and there's a schedule of things for you guys to do. Things you guys have planned. Dinner with your parents. I don't so much feel like a family anymore.

It's weird how easily your body seems to break down, sometimes. You can seem completely fine and then behind closed doors you fall apart. Every piece of you unravels and you feel less than whole. It's hard to feel too much, but empty to feel too little.

God, sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of doing anything right. I truly split open my life so often. Just lay it out so I can get a feel for things. Evaluating everything seems to make everything hurt more, but evaluations are just magnifying your life. So this is real and raw and that sucks.

I never really quite feel good enough. Granted, no one IS good enough, but I feel like everyone around me would rather have it another way...would rather have me NOT there. I guess it's always been a feeling I've had with my sister. She hardly ever got yelled at by my grents...she got diamonds when she was upset, right in front of my face. They would yell at me if I said the wrong thing-and when I went to hide beside their bed...no one looked for me. No one ever called out my name. I once hid their for hours, and they just went on eating dinner. I remember when I couldn't see them...it was the loneliest months of my life...and when I got them back...I was still in her shadow...I was still nearly visible...invisible. I can't tell you the anguish I feel everytime it's the four of us. They're so captivated by everything that leaves her lips...and anything that leaves mine is ignored...or belittled...or just plain thrown away.

I guess I really do have a trend of falling apart behind the doors. I become liquid because I can tell you that I'm the least solid person you'll ever meet. And my tears are as salty as flippin soy sauce, man.