My Sweet.

I am so proud of you. I read the beautifully knitted words on your blog that come from your heart and I miss you that much more. Just how invested and how in love you are makes me so encouraged to feel the same way, one day. Makes me so encouraged and just solidifies the fact that he is the perfect man for you.

You are absolutely one of the most beautiful people I have ever met and I don't say that often, because I usually don't mean it until times like these. Times when i read your words and I miss our Thursdays, and times when I really wish we could be having an awkward encounter in Panera but also realizations that things won't ever change between us. That God made us sisters and that's what we'll always be.

Love you more than you know, and miss you even more than that.

Shhh.

It really does hit me in stillness. The loneliness I create from running away from my God. As I explained to my best friend who I get to wake up to every day-I'm scared. Honestly sometimes living life with God is scarier than running away. I know that's a hefty statement, because in Him all things are good...but what happens if I'm wrapped in His love? Just completely absorbed in it...and tragedy strikes; as it will. What if I'm so in love with Abba, that I crumble when things go bad because sometimes I expect the worst and sometimes I'm sensitive, and most times I blame Him. I don't know where this is going, exactly.

So Caroline and I go to Uganda. We come here heads bowed, knees sunk in the soil, to be used. Yet I run. I run and run and sprint, literally even doing lunges as I plead the opposite and deny His name when I'm hurting. And I am hurting. Dealing with things from across the world and being so out of control. And then being here and dealing with things like taking care of a malnourished child and then letting him go into his father's hands not knowing if he'll actually care for him. Trusting a man more than I trust God. Seems silly, really.

Caroline has this boyfriend, yeah? His name is Zac and he treats her like she deserves. He seems so kind and seems to really be seeking after the Lord-which she also needs. A man who will rely on the Lord and encourage her, too. But she is blinded, I mean she really is. After dating him for only two months a gift is given to him to travel across the world to visit her here in Uganda. A $1500 ticket for 8 days with his girlfriend. The green monster of course fires up inside me as I struggled to even get a the ticket...half the ticket...hell even a fourth of it. So this huge chunk of money is being spent for an 8 day adventure when kids could live off that money-literally survive for the rest of their live with it. Living here has opened my eyes to so much, and that frivilous nature makes me question him. How can you deny a gift like that you ask? You don't, really. But atleast you treat your girlfriends best friend well, yeah? Wrong. I feel used by him. Only contacted unless he needed something from me and so many attempts at being his friend-loving him as God would want and nothing in return. So he is coming. Right on his way to the orphanage with her, right now from the airport. My stomach is in knots, and I yearn for my Father.

Abba, pick me up. Just place me right back in the center of your will. Not worry about people who don't worry back but just loving everyone, anyway. That's all.

His.

It hits you in very certain moments of stillness or even movement and you know that He has never left you. You know that His grip is firm even when you tried to scramble away and do it on your own. It’s so hysterical how we do that, yeah? God has this intrically perfect plan right in front of our faces and our noses are stuck in the clouds full of meaningless dreams.

The sad part? Well it’s that I already know this. I know that He is crying out,

“DAUGHTER! Hey you, there! Just follow me. Follow my voice, I’ll make sure it’s loud enough to hear.”

…and it always is. We just crowd our minds with thoughts of our own ideas and Satan becomes powerful because we are subconsciously succeeding at silencing our FATHER! Our Dad. But He’s really always louder. It’s just where we choose to put our hope; our passion. Geez why do we do that? Why do we try and try and try even harder to silence the ONLY one who’s got it right. I’ve been realizing a lot of this, lately. Kelsey has a great idea of what she wants to do with her day, her year, her life…her heart. Kelsey has all of these ideas and Kelsey wonders why they never do work out.

Because they are hers, and everything should be His.