Shhh.

It really does hit me in stillness. The loneliness I create from running away from my God. As I explained to my best friend who I get to wake up to every day-I'm scared. Honestly sometimes living life with God is scarier than running away. I know that's a hefty statement, because in Him all things are good...but what happens if I'm wrapped in His love? Just completely absorbed in it...and tragedy strikes; as it will. What if I'm so in love with Abba, that I crumble when things go bad because sometimes I expect the worst and sometimes I'm sensitive, and most times I blame Him. I don't know where this is going, exactly.

So Caroline and I go to Uganda. We come here heads bowed, knees sunk in the soil, to be used. Yet I run. I run and run and sprint, literally even doing lunges as I plead the opposite and deny His name when I'm hurting. And I am hurting. Dealing with things from across the world and being so out of control. And then being here and dealing with things like taking care of a malnourished child and then letting him go into his father's hands not knowing if he'll actually care for him. Trusting a man more than I trust God. Seems silly, really.

Caroline has this boyfriend, yeah? His name is Zac and he treats her like she deserves. He seems so kind and seems to really be seeking after the Lord-which she also needs. A man who will rely on the Lord and encourage her, too. But she is blinded, I mean she really is. After dating him for only two months a gift is given to him to travel across the world to visit her here in Uganda. A $1500 ticket for 8 days with his girlfriend. The green monster of course fires up inside me as I struggled to even get a the ticket...half the ticket...hell even a fourth of it. So this huge chunk of money is being spent for an 8 day adventure when kids could live off that money-literally survive for the rest of their live with it. Living here has opened my eyes to so much, and that frivilous nature makes me question him. How can you deny a gift like that you ask? You don't, really. But atleast you treat your girlfriends best friend well, yeah? Wrong. I feel used by him. Only contacted unless he needed something from me and so many attempts at being his friend-loving him as God would want and nothing in return. So he is coming. Right on his way to the orphanage with her, right now from the airport. My stomach is in knots, and I yearn for my Father.

Abba, pick me up. Just place me right back in the center of your will. Not worry about people who don't worry back but just loving everyone, anyway. That's all.