Bruised.

On days like these, I wanna disappear. And I do. I will. It will spare everyone, so much of me.

Coffee, filming, glasses.

Seasons of love.

Fall. I walk outside and fall down.
Fall. It smells like childhood. Walking to elementary school, passing a big maple tree everyday, leaves rustling around. The smell of the wind, the smell of pumpkins, the smell of colors.

Colors. Everywhere. On houses, on people, on trees.
I miss summer but I am learning to love fall. It's familiarly nice. This year will be better. Yet people continue to disappoint me :/ as do I continue to disappoint myself.

I'm giving blood tomorrow. Needles are one of my biggest fears. I'm really hoping to not pass out.

The usual.

3:02.

Sleeping isn't really that essential, is it?
God, I feel horrible. Couldn't sleep so I organized my bookshelf.
Still couldn't sleep so I looked through every page in the yearbook.
Have been wide awake, so I made some hot tea.
Here I am still. Writing. Writing about nothing.

No one sees what I see.
Don't you see that I wanna be better?

A release.

Even when your hope is gone, even when you're barely holdin' on, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that we were all made for love. So if you start to break...keep faith

It takes years to build trust, but only seconds to break it.
So many things. Too many things. Things I don't trust you with. Things I can't even trust myself with.

Remember when you were at summer camp or in middle school and you had to do the "trust fall"? They dropped me.

My mom hates it when I draw on my hand. I see it as, my personal piece of canvas. SO convinient. I drew a vine of leaves over the top of my hand from my index finger going down to my thumb.

My best friend who now resides in Florida for college, is moving home. I'm not excited...and I don't know why. It's so hard without her. But it won't be easy with her, either. Maybe it will just complicate things? Things aren't supposed to be easy, I want her here. But I want a challenge. Well...I got a challenge. Tonight was painful. Tonight I actually found out what other people see me as. Tonight I saw what my family sees me as. Tonight I saw who the person I look up most to-sees me as.

UGLY.

I go around breaking mirrors with my fists, walking under ladders, stealing cars, and jumping off the empire state building. With no ladder, with bloody fists, and how does a stolen car correlate? Hello again numbness. Well, I'd like to say hello again. Cause this hurts, ya know? Yeah. But hey, Kels, what the heckkkkkkk-DON'T.BE.WEAK.

Don't be weak. You can be brought to your knees, Kels. You need to be. You need to pray. You need to yell into a pillow...just not at him. Don't yell at him, don't talk to him, don't look at him. Tonight, I couldn't look at him. Tonight, I didn't want him to have to see my ugly face again, so tonight I looked away. Tonight I went home, looked in the mirror and covered it with paper. Taped paper to every single corner. Then took it down. I'm having an old friend stay tomorrow, and I don't want her to think I'm afraid of bloody mary or something.

I'm sorry. This is just...a release.
Tomorrow isn't promised...but if it gets here...it'll be better. I hope.

Hot shower, hot tea, hot face.
I'm sweating and my fan is on high. I want to smell there house again. I want to smell his cologne that he always wears but I can't. Cause I think he hates me. He doesn't hate me, but it sure feels like he does.

This isn't coherent. This is just for me. I'm sorry.

Love never fails.

Quench my thirst.

It's 10:09 and I'm tired?! There must be something wrong with my clock! Wait...there isn't? Weird. I've had insomnia for almost 3 years, now. Never once have I felt this tired so quickly.

I miss my grandparents. They live a minute away and I haven't seen them in almost 3 weeks..we got in a fight. It's weird. And much different. We've never fought for this long, before.

I wanna be an example. But I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty for the wrong things. For example-right now I am thirsty for tea. Even though I know I shouldn't drink it this late. Ok of course I'm not actually this literal. I'm thirsty for sin. For things that draw me away from the cross. Booooo. I hate living like this. The Lord should quench my thirst...and He does. So what am I doing in this dark place?

I am thirsty, I am thirsty.
I am thirsty or more of You.

Love that song.
Where is my purposeful life? Where did it go? Not little kid Kelsey, little girl Kelsey...who knew only what she was taught in Sunday school. Grown up, relatively matured Kelsey who knows better. She knows not to stick things into light sockets and knows the difference between sin and not sin. Purpose and meaning is all relative. If I'm living for the sin then I'm living for myself. If I'm living for myself-then what happened to my purpose? My promise to give up my life to the One who gave up His, for me.

I'm going to drink some water, now.

Trapped in an elevator.

Have you ever gotten trapped in an elevator?
If you would have asked me this questions 4 hours ago, my answer would've been no.

Tonight at biblestudy, 5 of the seniors (discluding me because of my sporadic attendance) had an adventure to take us on. They blindfolded the remaining 9 of us to take us on a worship expirience to somewhere that we've never been. As their hands guided the blind, they lead us into the elevator. We figured it would be much safer than taking 9 blind girls down 2 flights of stairs. I felt uneasy.

The door closed, and we were all touching shoulders. The elevator went silent at the sudden thump. The elevator was immovable, and I remember someone asking
"Grace, are we stuck?"
And her responding with
"No girls, it'll be fine"
Although not even a minute later she told us we could all take off our blindfolds. I wish I hadn't. I'm extremely clausterphobic. Alot of people may not know that about me because my love language is touch, and essentially, I don't mind being rather close to people. But being in an enclosed, hot, crowded area was different.

We all froze when we realized there was no one to help us. We pushed the emergency button that rang this bell and someone knocked on the elevator saying
"I really need to get in here"
All the while we're thinking "we REALLY need to get out!" Then the strange man's voice disappeared, and we had no rescuer. I can't remember who, but someone managed to call the youth director to help us out. While we were waiting for some form of human contact, we started to pray. Pray for safety and purpose. And when we ran out of things to pray about, we recited the Lord's Prayer.
Alecia asked Grace "Will we run out of air?" and Grace, afraid to tell the truth, said "No Alecia, we'll be just fine." Even though we all knew that the small space did not hold an infinite amount of air for 14 girls.

Our hallelujah came, when we heard Tino's voice. He told us to stand back from the door. Grace spread out her arms, like an angel, to protect us. We were frightened. He told us to stand completely still...we complied. As they lifted up the elevator, I felt like a whole new peace came about me. We were alive. And yes, you could argue that it wasn't a life threatening situation, or that it wouldn't be scary if it was you--but it was, hands down, one of the most terrifying expiriences of my life.

God will lift you up, no matter how far down you are.
God will provide you with oxogen, when you feel uneasy.
God will hold your hand, when you feel trapped in an elevator.