A release.

Even when your hope is gone, even when you're barely holdin' on, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that we were all made for love. So if you start to break...keep faith

It takes years to build trust, but only seconds to break it.
So many things. Too many things. Things I don't trust you with. Things I can't even trust myself with.

Remember when you were at summer camp or in middle school and you had to do the "trust fall"? They dropped me.

My mom hates it when I draw on my hand. I see it as, my personal piece of canvas. SO convinient. I drew a vine of leaves over the top of my hand from my index finger going down to my thumb.

My best friend who now resides in Florida for college, is moving home. I'm not excited...and I don't know why. It's so hard without her. But it won't be easy with her, either. Maybe it will just complicate things? Things aren't supposed to be easy, I want her here. But I want a challenge. Well...I got a challenge. Tonight was painful. Tonight I actually found out what other people see me as. Tonight I saw what my family sees me as. Tonight I saw who the person I look up most to-sees me as.

UGLY.

I go around breaking mirrors with my fists, walking under ladders, stealing cars, and jumping off the empire state building. With no ladder, with bloody fists, and how does a stolen car correlate? Hello again numbness. Well, I'd like to say hello again. Cause this hurts, ya know? Yeah. But hey, Kels, what the heckkkkkkk-DON'T.BE.WEAK.

Don't be weak. You can be brought to your knees, Kels. You need to be. You need to pray. You need to yell into a pillow...just not at him. Don't yell at him, don't talk to him, don't look at him. Tonight, I couldn't look at him. Tonight, I didn't want him to have to see my ugly face again, so tonight I looked away. Tonight I went home, looked in the mirror and covered it with paper. Taped paper to every single corner. Then took it down. I'm having an old friend stay tomorrow, and I don't want her to think I'm afraid of bloody mary or something.

I'm sorry. This is just...a release.
Tomorrow isn't promised...but if it gets here...it'll be better. I hope.

Hot shower, hot tea, hot face.
I'm sweating and my fan is on high. I want to smell there house again. I want to smell his cologne that he always wears but I can't. Cause I think he hates me. He doesn't hate me, but it sure feels like he does.

This isn't coherent. This is just for me. I'm sorry.

Love never fails.