SUNSHINE

I am a happy girl!
Today the weather was soooo great :)

Normal Monday at school.
Funny talent show.
Productive piano lesson.
Dinner and pedicure with Austin.
Talked with Josh in my driveway.
And now anticipating stupid pictures, tomorrow.

That's all.
I'm blessed.
:D

.....but I still miss Mexico with every fiber of my being, every second of the day, even when I fall asleep.....I dream I'm there.

Growing hurts so good.

Realization means growth.
Mmmmmmmm. It hurts, though. I realized a lot, tonight.

I realized I'll never be able to have a healthy relationship until I forget about the past one's that have hurt me so bad. I define relationship as a real connection with someone. Family, friends, lovasss. Whatever, really. And I'm gunna be honest-I've messed up my fair share of relationships.

But I am learning, I am growingggg. That is evident. I know that's true.
But gosshhhhhh gollyyyy goddddd, hellooooo??!!!

Dang I feel you. You're answering everything. You really are.
It makes me realize that I don't need everything I thought. Not everyone can always stay in my life. You allowed something to crawl back in and made me realize, nothing lasts forever. Nothing but You and Your ever constant LOVE.

Love makes everything okay. Nahhhhh. YOUR LOVE makes everything okay. I've never been this rejuvenated. God I needed Mexico. I needed the sign. The fact that I was accepted into CCU while I was in Mexico was such a confirmation that I needed. New York will always be where I found it. New York Film Academy will offer me another scholorship. But Colorado is now. Missioning is in my soulllll I can feel it more alive in me than I ever though, ever imagined, ever dreamed of sister.

I think of all that's happened in the past couple months. I've felt more lost than I could ever remember feeling. More sick. Constant queasiness, constant hurt, constant heat. Thanks for understanding me. Listening to me. Having patience with me. I really would fall apart without you. You remind me so much of God's love. I feel like what was wrong with me and Maggie's friendship is that we were lacking God...and with our friendship...I feel him with every breath. Thursdays really were made for us. Alwayssss.

I needed this wind. This feeling that freedom is near and it's a different kind of freedom because I'm not creating it...it's just opportunity...it's just finally happening for me. God always provides. Yahweh always comes through. Even if it takes me a while to notice or absorb. It's sinking in like the hot summer sun.

Who knew that growing would hurt so good.

Full.

I am so full.
I'm exploding with joy. And you know what I just realized? That then first three letters in 'Joyas' (our team name) is JOY. Mmmmmmm :D

My nose is stuffy but I know that I will breathe easy, tonight.
...with the hum of my fan and an overflowing love for Mexico and for this past week and for everything and everyone I come in contact with-I love you. And I hope you know it. Words will never be cohesive enough to get my thoughts across.

I'm okay with that? Hahahaha.

I filled up some more empty spaces of my 'wall of encouragement' with pictures. Pictures of Mexico. Of my sisterssss. I'm staring at it and I have to sneeze.

Thank you Daddy. You always come through. Always.

Joyas.

I'm laying here on my air matress in the corner. Feelin so much better than yesterday, even though I'm cut up and sore.

What opened my eyes was what they call home. Were building them a house-and I saw why.
They let us into their "home" to use the restroom. One little bed. Dirt everywhere. A bucket for a shower. No running water. Broke my heart. Helped me work harder.

We ate at La Familia and they were vegetarian friendly so I got to enjoy some real authentic Mexican food in Rio Bravo.

We drove 'home' and Maddy and I laid in the fresh green grass staring up at the sky and palm trees just talking about nothing while everyone else showered. Then we had small group and worship and then a very dirty Kelsey took a good long HOT shower. It stung like hell, but it felt good to get clean, mostly.

Now I'm just laying here on my air matress, like I said, and I'm thanking God for this day and the next. Ole!

I cannot seem to operate.

I guess I'll try and describe it...
Have you ever gotten the wind knocked out of you? Or played the 'passing out' game? Now I'm not talking sensibly, just matter-of-factly.

This feeling makes you want to head to the bathroom and puke your guts out.
Makes you wanna drive with the same song on repeat.
Makes you wanna cry-and not care who sees.

Makes you wanna hold your knees to your chest, cause nothing else will hold you together...

It makes you want to write. Your fingers press the keys-though you're not 100% concious of what you're writing...yet everything seems to be coherent and incoherent at the same time...if that's possible.

Heart racing. It's beating fast, I'm tellin' ya, I'm not making this up.
FEEL MY HEART. It's not in the upper-middle part of your chest, like some think. It's crooked. To the side. Somehow that makes sense. Everything in life is a bit crooked. And if it's not...just cock your head a bit to the side.

Do you know how hard I've worked, just to make you proud? I've known you for 7 years and you do him favors. You've been my role-model for 4 years, and I have worked the hardest for you-than I have for anyone in my entire life-and I am a stone. A rock. You give him auditions with the theatre director at OU...and you give me 'loud stone'. This is expected. Like everything else in life.

BUT I AM GROWING. Child....that much is true.
Healing, too. Slowly...but surely.