Blackout.

10 times this summer, already. Am I trying to make some feeling subside by numbing my body? I thought it was all in good fun...but last night was scary.

I don't remember hardly anything. There are fragments here and there that seem scattered about my brain, but that's all. I remember what people tell me and I remember the grass. Wanting to "spend time with the earth" is what they said I kept repeating.

I disappeared and they found me next to an air conditioning vent. I remember almost losing conciousness until Morgan smacked me in the face. I had scared her. I remember crawling through the grass and yelling for her. And when she finally came back, I remember laying in the grass with her, looking at the stars. It was the first time she had ever talked to me about Stephen. Joy stumbled over and I have never seen her so broken. The three of us held each other and cried. As strong as we all seem to convince ourselves we are...everyday is a struggle.

After that moment I don't remember a thing. Everything seemed to just...blackout.

I'm not sure what I'm learning...but I sure am growing. And my body aches like hell.