Choices.

Every morning you wake up and have a choice.

Am I going to live today properly, from the core of my heart, from what I believe. Will I make this choice...or will I destruct another day?

Too many of my days have been destroyed, and I just want to live well. 'Live' being the operative word. I want things to matter, and I know that my life is good. The people in my life are important. In some way, through this tangled web I weave...I'm important, too. That's a weird image to derive in my head.

We talked last night. I do remember that. I remember talking about choices. And I read our text messages which didn't make much sense from my end. And all I could remember was choices. I don't know what I said, I don't remember what all that you said...but I woke up this morning. I went with Jade to CVS to pick out some blonder hair dye and I came home and let my fingers hit the keys so hard in my attempts to make loud, passionate music.

I want some rejuvenation the way I felt before my Uncle died. I remember a time where nothing got me down-besides the usuals of just being a girl. My family has never been perfect-but at that moment I had become numb to all of that destruction and just focused on an important life that wasn't mine. It was my Father's up there in the sky, and that's when I was the most happy.

Even now my life is not my own, but I still have this messy way of thinking it is, and thinking I can do anything I want to my body. That is a foolish thing to think.

So we visited his grave a few weeks ago, ya know. The first time I was in his presence in two years-since the funeral. His stone was beautiful. I mean absolutely him. Didn't know a tombstone had the ability to really represent the person underneath, but it did. My throat burned the entire time, though. I really had forgotten how much I missed him. Everyday I do, though. He had become such a big part of me. He understood me like no one else. But he's up there having such a good time, though. No shame in that. Only praise.

I went on a picnic with Jordan yesterday and she told me that

"Just because you do bad things, doesn't mean you're a bad person"

...and that lifted me a little. But I still feel heavy.