Grief whirling around, and around, and around.
All this time I put her through grief is now being understood by my own eyes. So much pain has resided in my heart for the past couple years, especially. The only way I knew how to draw a breath was to share the pain with my best friend. But instead of leaning on God, I crushed her instead-I used her as a shield. Whatever I would feel and whenever I would feel it, Maggie would, too. And how is that fair? It's not.
Lexie has helped me realize this. As I am getting better, she is getting worse. It's an interesting mix of understanding and resentment. I wish I would have done so many things different, but at the same time all of these scars have made me who I am for a very defining reason. Maybe going through what I did, maybe even being the poor friend that I was, will somehow help Lexie? Maybe God will use what I endured to make the pain less on my hurting friend? Sometimes my inhaling is so hopeless as I exhale the truth that she isn't getting better, though. That she is weaker and more pathetic every time we skype. That I cry myself to sleep every night because I am so scared for her. For her body, for her soul, for her life. It is constantly spinning around in my insomniatic brain.
I am living so much more prayerfully and I love that. I love having a two-sided relationship with so many more people. I love having people in my life rely on me. Trust me. Love me. It's the best feeling in the world. And although I have been struggling and hurting over the fact that I am rotting in Norman, OK God knows what the hell He's doing. Which is awesome...because I sure don't, and someone's gotta pick up my slack. I wrote a song today...it's called "Yahweh"...it means the world to me, because it's my life in the lyrics. Yahweh has been through it all with me. And Yahweh will help Lexie through this, too. I know He will. He's got to.
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