143.

It's amazing how quickly you can let go of struggles only to find yourself with even more, right as you begin to stand again. Simple questions arise such as "why the hell would God allow this", only to open your eyes to the fact that questions like those are all but simple. Eyes begin to water and understanding seems less comprehendable, as do simple words and phrases like "it's all going to be okay" and "I love you". When you hear those in this state of hysteria you want to bolt. You want to grab the whistle around your neck and head to the mountains.

You want the baby to go away.
You want the suicidal thoughts to eradicate.
You want them to love each other again.
You want them to love you for once.
You want the favoring to stop.
You want the hunger to STOP.
You want the homelessness to STOP.
You want anything but love to STOP. STOP. STOP. Are you listening to me?

Stop for a moment. Okay? Just meditate for one second. Will you put down the phone and listen to me? Listen to Him? He just wants you to listen. This is purposeful. Things fall into place your whole entire life for this one solitary moment. For this one single disease. For this one simple miracle. Things like these are far above our heads for a reason.

I was never supposed to save Lexie. She is what some call hopeless, but she is what I call homeless. She is searching for where she belongs because she can't seem to find herself. She can't seem to understand that beneath the tattered clothes and seared skin...she is more than human. She is one big scar. And as I have learned and learned from every fall from the summit, scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. And beneath her exterior she is a warrior. She is Job, she is Paul, she is anyone who has lost everything. She is anyone who has lost themselves. She is you in the moment you found out you were pregnant at 19. She is you when you found out your fast friend had been murdered. She is you when you found out your parents are divorcing. She is you when your father beats you. She is you when your family neglects you. She is you when Satan tries to break every bone in your metaphorical mind. She is you. And if I can get through this, if Job could maintain faithfulness, and if you all....every single one of you can get through this...she can, too. Because she is His daughter...and damn...He loves us through the nails. 143 was the message Austin wanted me to delay to Lauren, tonight. 143 and He loves us all. Yahweh won't leave us at the cross, alone. He won't leave us at all.

Don't keep this war inside.

It's just everywhere once you grab onto it. Memories. Feelings. Scars. Joy. Man, that joy will fester in your soul for as long as you'll let it. My stomach is grumbling for whatever reason and there is much too much graffiti to scrape off my windows, but I am content.

"Every time we drift, we're forcing something that is wrong."

I can get that. When I drift away from myself, I feel uncomfortable. When I drift away from God, I feel alienated. I find myself in my Father, so I suppose those two feeling both coincide. I feel safe, as of now. This is the month that usually starts my downfall, but I have everything to grab onto. Memories. Feelings. Scars. Joy. Man, that joy IS festering.

Graffiti.

Country music is growing on me. So many people would shoot me for saying that, but it sort of reminds me of my childhood; my friends. A lot of things. Writing about good things is far more better than writing about bad. This week was so good. It didn't feel like we were in Norman because there was never a dull moment. Never a moment of "Okay, what do we do, now?"

Monday:
-I picked Shelby up from the airport.
[which was slightly funny. I got lost on the way to the airport-which happens to be 5 minutes away from OCCC...embarrasing.]
-I took her to Native Roots, Seige, and Tea Cafe.
[she expirienced boba for the first time. Best thing ever.]
-We 'surprised her' with Jess being there and meeting us on campus.
[we told her she was already in California.]
-spent probably a whole hour in Savvy
[Tess talks alot]
-Had sushi with the grents
[papa practically force-fed us]
-Spent about 2 hours on the computer 'damn you autocorrect'.
[let's be honest...that's addicting.]

Tuesday:
-Woke up early to go to retrieve my kitten!
[failed attempt...dad wasn't down for it]
-Pink Elephant.
[to say we have eaten at so many animal restaraunts.]
-Went to Etown with Jess, and then Penn Mall.
[Shelby got an elephant hat. Duh.]
-Came back home and saw TANGLED with Jordan.
[Best 2 hours of my life]
-Went to Claire's to be reunited with 12 beautiful girls.
[stole about 4 headband each.]
-Picked up Lexie outside of a gas station, holding our Christmas presents in each hand, and sitting on her suitcase.
[she just...showed up in Norman...]
-Snuck her in my house...lovely
[Carrie is slicker than I presumed, though]

Wednseday:
-got up SO EARLY to send Lexie back home on the train.
[heart breaking...but we had to]
-slept for a BAJILLION MORE HOURS!
[yahewwww!]
-Met kabin 5 for lunch at Plaid.
[ran into Catherine Glenn. Hilarious.]
-shop, shop, shopped.
[Naturally, I bought 2 hats...bringing my total number to 38...O]
-Went to Bricktown.
[ate at this slammin pizza place...wrote on the walls.]
-ICE SKATED
[and got kicked out.]
-Went to Cuppies and Joe
[best coconut chai EVER.]
-Went back to Norman and then to classics.
[what should we listen to? I mean if all else fails...BEN]
-Went to Claire's so she could teach us to make headbands
[and then she painted my lips with nail polish...O]

Thursday:
-woke up and got coffeeeee
[great start to the day.]
-went to Claire's to say bye to the people leaving.
[watched Emily start to consume the entire world.]
-Went to Qdoba and led the caravan of 6 cars!
[Why they would ever let ME lead, I will never know]
-Spent way too long at 711
[and then danced around and tried to booty dance.]
-Went to HeyDay lazorrr tag
[and Molly tried to fix my flat tire...o]
-Then Passionberry
[where we left Shelby sitting on top of the car with the cart alarm going off.]
-Purchased spray paint
[graffiti on my favorite roof.]
-Went to kids space
[the only people in the world who would enjoy it as much as me.]
-Ate at my grents house
[obsessed with the bunny]
-Drove 45 minutes for hookah
[funniest night of my existence.]
-Molly SPED to Classic's and we got there with 6 minutes to spare.
[Emily ordered the whole menu.]
-We all spent the night at my house
[My mom was confused with 5 girls fitting in my one tiny room.]
-Said bye to everyone but Shelby :/
[booooooo.]
-Took pictures of our beautiful graffiti and then went to Jimmy John's
[where I thereafter spilled Dr.Pepper alllll over the seat..]
-Drove to Tulsa
[which was surprisingly awesome and easy CRUISE CONTROL.]
-Spent 20 minutes in the parking lot of the lodge making awkward videos.
[until her Uncle walked up hahahahaha]
-Hung out with her incredible family
[even Aiden knew my name...I put on his shoes and socks for him.]
-Said goodbye, and drove away.
[the sunset was definitely God's way of keeping my spirits lifted.]

I wrote it down, so I'd never forget a minute.