I was re-reading one of my favorite's, Psalms 40:1-4. It talks about abandoning yourself to God. Losing yourself, to be able to find yourself in only Him.
"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God."
When I think back to Psalms 40, and "abandoning yourself to God" this all paints a picture. I often felt abandoned by everyone, because I couldn't find myself in the only person who would never leave me. And while I might always struggle and fear abandonment, I guess I've just realized that I'm not alone, nor ever will be. That Pop's got a never ending grip on me.
I found out that I am clinically depressed. I went to the doctor today to get some medicine, but that even through my growth, and change of heart, I am still sick in this way? That I am so damn angry that I have been through hell and I still have this hole in my chest. That even though I am not struggling with death, I am struggling to learn how to live again. Yanno, like really live. That I am grateful and filled with joy at my constant aspiration to live...but I find myself drowning in the same pool of water I've been swimming in for the past couple years. That even though I am striving with everything to make God the very center of my life...my family doctor told me of this imbalance. What does that even mean? I haven't been myself totally and fully for the past couple years, but I'm on a damn good start, I think. I'm working at kamp this summer. I have a lot of friends. And not just friends...but real solid relationships. My family is in ruins, but my God has shown me that He is my family. And yeah, the hole in my chest hurts, it's very evident, and it's there...but it doesn't control my life like it used to. I feel as though I am living proof of answered prayers for the simple fact that I am alive. And realization flows through my fingertips, as it usually always happens this way, as I open my eyes to the fact that life isn’t easy. It’s still hard though, yeah? It still hurts.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Unsettling Nature of Coming Home.
Georgia was simply healing.
I was immediately welcomed by three people, two of which I had never met. We all four left the airport holding hands, and only the cement pole broke the chain. I looked out the window and even in the dark I could see the trees. The biggest trees I'd ever seen hung outside my window and I couldn't help but be indescribably happy. We ate at the famous restaurant The Varsity, which I had been hearing about for years, then we all went back to Maggie's house were her mother had fresh flowers for me. Maggie and I watched You Again and I actually fell asleep towards the end. 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours will do that to you.
The next day we woke up around noon and went to the Mill. There's an old Mill in downtown Roswell with a covered bridge and waterfalls and all that so we took some pictures and it felt so great outside. Then she showed us where her and her friends go bouldering and then headed to the mall. After that we saw Never Say Never in 3D which pretty much changed my life. It was so good. Hahaha. Then we met up with Maddie and went downtown to get sushi...then went to this bakery and got the best cake ever and ate it at starbucks. After that we went out to the boondocks to Maddie's house and you could see every star you could ever imagine. Then we went back to Magg's and took about a billion just flattering photobucket pictures...O....and were denied waffle house, and went to bed.
Yesterday we went to this humungo mall with Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters. Maggie got these amazing heels for her prom dress, and Maddie tried the most amazing black dress on. We ate the best lunch outside at Panera...it was like we were in sex in the city...hilarious. Then we went to this park and visited some of her guy friends who were slack lining and went to another park to play frisbee. There was this girl there twirling fire and that was pretty awesome. Then we went back to Maggie's house and ate the best dinner of steak, sweet potatoes, salad, and sparkling cider. Then a bunch of her friends came over which was completely awkward but oh well. We play Just Dance on Wii and then played Scene it. We ended the night watching P.S. I Love You and went to sleep. Today we woke up and she had a Haiti meeting. Haitian missionaries were there and they cooked authentic food...but banana things made me gag. After the pretty awkward meeting (simply because I didn't know anyone) was over, we came home and uploaded a bunch of pictures and shared music. Then we picked up some people and went to Passion City Church. Chris Tomlin leads and Louie Giglio preaches. It was amazing and just what I needed to hear. Then we went to Fillini's this awesome pizza place and on the way to take her friends home, we prank called old kamp friends in this random driveway in Jaynie's neighborhood. Then Maggie and I had a talk about this and that and came home. She did her homework, and I uploaded more pictures. Then it was bedtime. I gave her a hug, knowing there'd only be one more in the morning until we said goodbye for a really long time. For I don't even know how long.
I'm lying in the guest room...dreading waking up in 4 hours to go to the airport with her momma while she sleeps for a little longer before school. Plane at 8:20 and train at 5:30...won't be home till after 8 PM but I hate the unsettling nature of coming home. Of leaving the trees, the Jones's, the community, and my best friend.
I feel like I should pray more. So I'm going to turn off the lamp...turn up the music...close my eyes...and pray.
I was immediately welcomed by three people, two of which I had never met. We all four left the airport holding hands, and only the cement pole broke the chain. I looked out the window and even in the dark I could see the trees. The biggest trees I'd ever seen hung outside my window and I couldn't help but be indescribably happy. We ate at the famous restaurant The Varsity, which I had been hearing about for years, then we all went back to Maggie's house were her mother had fresh flowers for me. Maggie and I watched You Again and I actually fell asleep towards the end. 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours will do that to you.
The next day we woke up around noon and went to the Mill. There's an old Mill in downtown Roswell with a covered bridge and waterfalls and all that so we took some pictures and it felt so great outside. Then she showed us where her and her friends go bouldering and then headed to the mall. After that we saw Never Say Never in 3D which pretty much changed my life. It was so good. Hahaha. Then we met up with Maddie and went downtown to get sushi...then went to this bakery and got the best cake ever and ate it at starbucks. After that we went out to the boondocks to Maddie's house and you could see every star you could ever imagine. Then we went back to Magg's and took about a billion just flattering photobucket pictures...O....and were denied waffle house, and went to bed.
Yesterday we went to this humungo mall with Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters. Maggie got these amazing heels for her prom dress, and Maddie tried the most amazing black dress on. We ate the best lunch outside at Panera...it was like we were in sex in the city...hilarious. Then we went to this park and visited some of her guy friends who were slack lining and went to another park to play frisbee. There was this girl there twirling fire and that was pretty awesome. Then we went back to Maggie's house and ate the best dinner of steak, sweet potatoes, salad, and sparkling cider. Then a bunch of her friends came over which was completely awkward but oh well. We play Just Dance on Wii and then played Scene it. We ended the night watching P.S. I Love You and went to sleep. Today we woke up and she had a Haiti meeting. Haitian missionaries were there and they cooked authentic food...but banana things made me gag. After the pretty awkward meeting (simply because I didn't know anyone) was over, we came home and uploaded a bunch of pictures and shared music. Then we picked up some people and went to Passion City Church. Chris Tomlin leads and Louie Giglio preaches. It was amazing and just what I needed to hear. Then we went to Fillini's this awesome pizza place and on the way to take her friends home, we prank called old kamp friends in this random driveway in Jaynie's neighborhood. Then Maggie and I had a talk about this and that and came home. She did her homework, and I uploaded more pictures. Then it was bedtime. I gave her a hug, knowing there'd only be one more in the morning until we said goodbye for a really long time. For I don't even know how long.
I'm lying in the guest room...dreading waking up in 4 hours to go to the airport with her momma while she sleeps for a little longer before school. Plane at 8:20 and train at 5:30...won't be home till after 8 PM but I hate the unsettling nature of coming home. Of leaving the trees, the Jones's, the community, and my best friend.
I feel like I should pray more. So I'm going to turn off the lamp...turn up the music...close my eyes...and pray.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Pillow.
I am happy. As I lay in color on this white couch, thinking of the opportunities...I am exuberant. Blessed and lifted and okay.
Simultaneously I don't belong. I sit here on this white couch listening to the sound coming from the kitchen. It's almost funny how much I don't belong. My wardrobe, appearance, thoughts, even some of my beliefs are so skewed from there's. I am blessed, but so not comforted.
Well perhaps this discomfort should be welcoming? Yahweh is giving and giving so I can only expect for some of my emotions to be filled with this sense of not belonging to this family. Because let's be honest...I belong to a much bigger Pop anyway. And soon but not soon enough these feeling will eradicate. And sooner than anything else I will be with my best friend...and I find everything great in that.
Simultaneously I don't belong. I sit here on this white couch listening to the sound coming from the kitchen. It's almost funny how much I don't belong. My wardrobe, appearance, thoughts, even some of my beliefs are so skewed from there's. I am blessed, but so not comforted.
Well perhaps this discomfort should be welcoming? Yahweh is giving and giving so I can only expect for some of my emotions to be filled with this sense of not belonging to this family. Because let's be honest...I belong to a much bigger Pop anyway. And soon but not soon enough these feeling will eradicate. And sooner than anything else I will be with my best friend...and I find everything great in that.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Rid me of myself.
Since I am used to this sort of casual conversation about shortness of breath, my crumbling came as a surprise to me. Driving down the road that had finally been paved was a blessing as I weaved my hand in and out of the blowing wind and as the coolness escaped between my fingers I thought of it as a way that the holy spirit was with me...odd as it sounds, I really did feel comforted. And safety aside, it made me break even more. Thinking of the enormity of the situation and how much that Pops has allowed me to grow in the last year, much less months, alone. It is a blessing. I am blessed and not my own.
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