Spinning.

I was re-reading one of my favorite's, Psalms 40:1-4. It talks about abandoning yourself to God. Losing yourself, to be able to find yourself in only Him.

"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God."

When I think back to Psalms 40, and "abandoning yourself to God" this all paints a picture. I often felt abandoned by everyone, because I couldn't find myself in the only person who would never leave me. And while I might always struggle and fear abandonment, I guess I've just realized that I'm not alone, nor ever will be. That Pop's got a never ending grip on me.

I found out that I am clinically depressed. I went to the doctor today to get some medicine, but that even through my growth, and change of heart, I am still sick in this way? That I am so damn angry that I have been through hell and I still have this hole in my chest. That even though I am not struggling with death, I am struggling to learn how to live again. Yanno, like really live. That I am grateful and filled with joy at my constant aspiration to live...but I find myself drowning in the same pool of water I've been swimming in for the past couple years. That even though I am striving with everything to make God the very center of my life...my family doctor told me of this imbalance. What does that even mean? I haven't been myself totally and fully for the past couple years, but I'm on a damn good start, I think. I'm working at kamp this summer. I have a lot of friends. And not just friends...but real solid relationships. My family is in ruins, but my God has shown me that He is my family. And yeah, the hole in my chest hurts, it's very evident, and it's there...but it doesn't control my life like it used to. I feel as though I am living proof of answered prayers for the simple fact that I am alive. And realization flows through my fingertips, as it usually always happens this way, as I open my eyes to the fact that life isn’t easy. It’s still hard though, yeah? It still hurts.