Worth it.

Though I was once fretting the down-time I have between my classes on Tuesdays and Thursday...I now see the blessing. I'm reading Katie's blog. Just letting it soak in and remembering how I'm alive and why I'm alive and as I walk through the hallways once feeling the lonliness that this school brings-I remember the fact that I have an education when many do not.

I remember when I used to just crave drugs and alcohol. Seemingly thinking about it every other minute of the day and going to class high because the world seemed emptier when I was sober.

I remember when I used to not want to believe in God. How it pained me to think of Him and when I did I would just cry. Not because I missed Him, but more-so because I was just so angry at Him and couldn't imagine my heavenly father bringing me so much pain, when my earthly father did enough, already.

Then I read these words in this blog and I want to cry for ever doing those things and thinking those feelings. I submerge myself in the same pain and wonder why God let me live. Why I was the blessed one when I have messed up and hated the only One who will ever love me enough.

But then there's this freedom. This knowing that with every day God brings me to my knees and with every day He reminds me why I'm here. Even just for this moment, Africa makes my struggles worth it. Africa defeats my inadequacy for the fact that God put this desire in my heart, and doesn't do that with everyone. That I am blessed with this passion, and even more blessed to expirience the freedom that comes with it. That when I feel anxious or nervous about this calling...I just think about how God provides.

And then I think more and remember more about the deaf boy from Africa who was healed. I think about how Caitlyn was released from her abusive home and I think about how Hunter's sister doesn't have to have brain surgery. I think about all that I've been blessed with and as I walk through the halls again, today, I just pray. That's pretty much all that I do as I walk between the busy people with cluttered thoughts. I just free my mind and let Jesus come in and remind me why I'm alive. And it makes today worth it, and tomorrow worth it, and it makes January all the more...worth it.