I dangle my hand out the window, carelessly, and let the wind take it. It's so cold as it sweeps through my fingers, that it makes my hand go numb after a while. I look ahead. I see a stoplight of red, yellow, green. Go. Everything is blurry as I accelerate my speed going faster and faster, the wind still throwing my hand up and down. Parachute is playing on my stereo. The song I like is 2 minutes long so I keep starting it over while breathing through my nostrils, deep. To just...get enough air. I pray for something to happen. Anything. Maybe some car will crash into me or my breaks will stop working. I cross my numb fingers and hope for change.
If you ask me what I learned today, I would tell you two things. The first being that: you shouldn't climb on bookstore ladders that say "employees only". Trust me. And two, being, "sometimes it takes painful expiriences to make us change our ways". What's it mean for someone like Jesus to lay it all down for us? God pulls us through our struggles which ultimately will make us tougher than tough. What does that mean? What does it all mean? Well, I think they call it, love, love, love.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Pull yourself together.
Today was horribly alright.
Today. Existed.
Today started off surprisingly...okay. Couldn't complain. It was a breath of fresh air to realize that it would actually be that way...okay, that is. And I'm okay with okay. Later in the day, I realized that God had other plans for me...than just ok.
This dream I have dreamt for ever since I was a little, curious, lost, and vulnerable freshman...was crushed. And when your dreams are crushed...you don't recover quickly. But I'm not promised anything...except for God's undeniably strong love. And that helps.
Tonight, my friend Casey picked me up..and we drove. With no destination, really. We went to this tea place so she could eat, and I put soy sauce in the water and took a sip. Don't ever do that...I dared myself. Then we drove again, and ended up at a park. The "falling sky" park? And then we went to her house and she burnt me a cd and when we popped it in-only 3 tracks worked...but that was okay. I like the first 3alot, anyway. Then we drove and drove and the sun looked like a "peach". And we listened to the same song on repeat while hanging our feet out the window, even though we were both wearing skirts...but it was one of those careless feelings. The one that makes you wanna stick your hand out the window and let it dance in the wind. The one where it doesn't matter if you're not speaking, or where you are, or where you're going. You just keep moving and listen to the lyrics.
"I could be a bigger man bigger man.
But really what's a bigger man?
Love is nothing more than an action...
So pull yourself together man, smaller man.
Do it for the bigger man, bigger man.
How easy it would be if we could really see the plan?
But really, what's the plan?"
I bounced around...but those are some of the lyrics. Mmmmmmmmm.
"sooooo good" as she would say.
She dropped me off, and I realized that I hadn't once thought about the letdown of today. I just enjoyed the simplicity of everything.
To make things better, I gotta talk to my other half. She called me when I got home...and I always feel happier after we talk. I say "other half" because we are always talking, or texting, or reading each others mind. Well, maybe not that...but she knows me backwards and forwards. She lives in Georgia, and it's tough. Distance becomes a barrier, whether you realize it or not. Sometimes you want to help the other out so much...but it seems almost unnatainable because you can't give them a hug and tell them "it's okay", in person. But it's just one of the obstacles to get through. I think that only an indestructable friendship could get through what we have gotten through.
God only gives you things He knows you can handle...yet He also equipps you with ways to help you through...like tonight it was good music, aimless driving, Casey, and my other half. I feel rejuvenated. And although this crushed dream will still carry some hurt and anger...tomorrow's a new day. And I just gotta pull myself together.
Today. Existed.
Today started off surprisingly...okay. Couldn't complain. It was a breath of fresh air to realize that it would actually be that way...okay, that is. And I'm okay with okay. Later in the day, I realized that God had other plans for me...than just ok.
This dream I have dreamt for ever since I was a little, curious, lost, and vulnerable freshman...was crushed. And when your dreams are crushed...you don't recover quickly. But I'm not promised anything...except for God's undeniably strong love. And that helps.
Tonight, my friend Casey picked me up..and we drove. With no destination, really. We went to this tea place so she could eat, and I put soy sauce in the water and took a sip. Don't ever do that...I dared myself. Then we drove again, and ended up at a park. The "falling sky" park? And then we went to her house and she burnt me a cd and when we popped it in-only 3 tracks worked...but that was okay. I like the first 3alot, anyway. Then we drove and drove and the sun looked like a "peach". And we listened to the same song on repeat while hanging our feet out the window, even though we were both wearing skirts...but it was one of those careless feelings. The one that makes you wanna stick your hand out the window and let it dance in the wind. The one where it doesn't matter if you're not speaking, or where you are, or where you're going. You just keep moving and listen to the lyrics.
"I could be a bigger man bigger man.
But really what's a bigger man?
Love is nothing more than an action...
So pull yourself together man, smaller man.
Do it for the bigger man, bigger man.
How easy it would be if we could really see the plan?
But really, what's the plan?"
I bounced around...but those are some of the lyrics. Mmmmmmmmm.
"sooooo good" as she would say.
She dropped me off, and I realized that I hadn't once thought about the letdown of today. I just enjoyed the simplicity of everything.
To make things better, I gotta talk to my other half. She called me when I got home...and I always feel happier after we talk. I say "other half" because we are always talking, or texting, or reading each others mind. Well, maybe not that...but she knows me backwards and forwards. She lives in Georgia, and it's tough. Distance becomes a barrier, whether you realize it or not. Sometimes you want to help the other out so much...but it seems almost unnatainable because you can't give them a hug and tell them "it's okay", in person. But it's just one of the obstacles to get through. I think that only an indestructable friendship could get through what we have gotten through.
God only gives you things He knows you can handle...yet He also equipps you with ways to help you through...like tonight it was good music, aimless driving, Casey, and my other half. I feel rejuvenated. And although this crushed dream will still carry some hurt and anger...tomorrow's a new day. And I just gotta pull myself together.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Almost honest
It's 12:53, and I've lost my mind.
Do you ever look so closely at one thing, until it gets blurry and undefined? I do.
Do you ever want to just keep driving and driving, until you run out of gas and places to go? I do.
Do you ever walk through the halls at school, wondering what battles the girl with red eyes is facing? I do.
Do you ever close your eyes tight enough, in hopes that when you open them, everything won't hurt as much? I do.
Do you ever just wish for one more conversation with that person who's in heaven now? I do.
Everything...and then nothing...and then scrambled up thoughts.
I'm staring at my pink wall. How the edges of the paint mold into these wrinkley lines all up and down my wall. My fan is spinning and spinning and my head is throbbing with the thought of waking up in 6 hours, when I know I won't fall asleep for another two.
I figit, alot. Am constantly moving. My acting teacher has had to teach me various different techniques in order to keep my body somewhat still. Ask my best friend in the world. We shared a bunk at kamp and I hardly a remember a moment where I wasn't shaking the entire bed in discomfort. I hate stillness. Even in life, if I'm not moving it just feels like I'm not going anywhere, at all. And it's aweful.
I'll probably delete this entry in the morning. It's becoming hard to breathe.
At the end of the day, I always think about anything I could have done differently to allow a better outcome in any given situation. Today, my flaw was being almost honest. Lord, I need some fullness. I need the stars, I need fresh air, I need good music....I just need You.
School starts tomorrow. The last "first day of highscool" as all the seniors are saying. I don't wanna be sentimental. I just want to make the most of this year and move on. Keep moving, moving, moving-I'm SO ready to grow. I feel so held back here. I just need to jump off the roof and fly. Not like superman, i'm not that optimistic...I just need new scenary...
Change is coming. And I'm ready for it.
Do you ever look so closely at one thing, until it gets blurry and undefined? I do.
Do you ever want to just keep driving and driving, until you run out of gas and places to go? I do.
Do you ever walk through the halls at school, wondering what battles the girl with red eyes is facing? I do.
Do you ever close your eyes tight enough, in hopes that when you open them, everything won't hurt as much? I do.
Do you ever just wish for one more conversation with that person who's in heaven now? I do.
Everything...and then nothing...and then scrambled up thoughts.
I'm staring at my pink wall. How the edges of the paint mold into these wrinkley lines all up and down my wall. My fan is spinning and spinning and my head is throbbing with the thought of waking up in 6 hours, when I know I won't fall asleep for another two.
I figit, alot. Am constantly moving. My acting teacher has had to teach me various different techniques in order to keep my body somewhat still. Ask my best friend in the world. We shared a bunk at kamp and I hardly a remember a moment where I wasn't shaking the entire bed in discomfort. I hate stillness. Even in life, if I'm not moving it just feels like I'm not going anywhere, at all. And it's aweful.
I'll probably delete this entry in the morning. It's becoming hard to breathe.
At the end of the day, I always think about anything I could have done differently to allow a better outcome in any given situation. Today, my flaw was being almost honest. Lord, I need some fullness. I need the stars, I need fresh air, I need good music....I just need You.
School starts tomorrow. The last "first day of highscool" as all the seniors are saying. I don't wanna be sentimental. I just want to make the most of this year and move on. Keep moving, moving, moving-I'm SO ready to grow. I feel so held back here. I just need to jump off the roof and fly. Not like superman, i'm not that optimistic...I just need new scenary...
Change is coming. And I'm ready for it.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Let's hold up the world.
My mother and I sit at the dinner table in silence. I have all these thoughts spinning around my mind and all I want to do is yell. Yell at her...for so many things. But the silence stands. I'm mostly just mad at myself, I guess.
Tonight was the last real night of summer. School starts on Thursday, and the idea makes my stomach crawl. I'm just ready to get out of here. Tonight was unexpected...but undoubtadely good. My friend Marisa and I climbed atop our most favorite roof. We just laid on top of the furniture store and I couldn't help but obsess over how blue the sky was. As dumb as it sounds, I felt like I could fly. We did this thing where we stand up, swing our head between our legs, and look up. It feels like you're holding up the entire world.
Later, I had a surprise visit from my ex boyfriend. It was weird. He told me to come outside and I opened the door...and there he was. We talked for a while until Austin, my best friend, came to the rescue. I jumped in his car, and we headed straight for one of my favorite places to be. The place we've gone to for the last 3 nights in a row. We crawled into the back of his truck and marveled at all the stars. I took astronomy last year, and tried to make out the constellations...but all I could see was this indescribable phenomenon. Perhaps, that was an advantage, though. I was okay with not knowing the names of the patterns...as long as they were there for me to look at...nothing mattered. Time stood still.
Tonight was the last real night of summer. School starts on Thursday, and the idea makes my stomach crawl. I'm just ready to get out of here. Tonight was unexpected...but undoubtadely good. My friend Marisa and I climbed atop our most favorite roof. We just laid on top of the furniture store and I couldn't help but obsess over how blue the sky was. As dumb as it sounds, I felt like I could fly. We did this thing where we stand up, swing our head between our legs, and look up. It feels like you're holding up the entire world.
Later, I had a surprise visit from my ex boyfriend. It was weird. He told me to come outside and I opened the door...and there he was. We talked for a while until Austin, my best friend, came to the rescue. I jumped in his car, and we headed straight for one of my favorite places to be. The place we've gone to for the last 3 nights in a row. We crawled into the back of his truck and marveled at all the stars. I took astronomy last year, and tried to make out the constellations...but all I could see was this indescribable phenomenon. Perhaps, that was an advantage, though. I was okay with not knowing the names of the patterns...as long as they were there for me to look at...nothing mattered. Time stood still.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Scribbles of nothing.
Another good night that ended with sitting in the country, and enjoying this earth. I feel so full. Full of joy and expirience. I'm sitting at my computer, scraping the paint off my desk, not even close to being tired. I'm thinking about everything and then nothing, all at once.
All the time I want to figure this life out. Why I'm here, where I'm going, why I was put in the situation God placed me in, and who am I...really? I constantly ask myself this. I know God is still molding me, and that these mountains in my future will be good. They will be good for my health and my heart, and they will make me strong. Stronger than I am right now. Which isn't saying much.
I'm listening to Coffey Anderson, wondering what he thinks in his genius head. That man writes good music. Such good music. When I have a feeling like I do now, I want to grab my ipod and my big 90's headphones and hop on my bike and ride to the park. To my spot that helps me thing about things I can't think about just any place. It's like my own little world...and I wish with everything that I was there right now. Either there...or in Colorado. Either in Colorado, or in my own little world where nothings harmful. Just for a moment. Just so I can...breathe. Breathing would be wonderful. It's so simple and I yearn for that. I yearn for too much. I should be content. And I am, for the most part. I am blessed. I am blessed. I know that I am blessed. I am full yet as I catch myself over-analyzing I realize that I am empty, too. What a complex girl I am to be full and empty at the same time. Ignorance is my fault.
Running, running, running I wish I was running. Not away from my problems, or my overwhelming stress, or anything physical...just...running.
You know that feeling you get when you think about a really happy memory? One that you think about and don't even have to close your eyes to see it happening all over again. You remember every uninportant detail. What you were wearing and if the people you were with had shoes on that tied. You remember everything and catch yourself smiling one of those smiles other people notice. And you glow. Your dimples are noticable and you laugh for no reason...even if nothing's funny. And if someone you're with asks you why you're smiling...you just laugh and say "it's nothing"...when it's actually everything to you. That one memory, means the world.
All the time I want to figure this life out. Why I'm here, where I'm going, why I was put in the situation God placed me in, and who am I...really? I constantly ask myself this. I know God is still molding me, and that these mountains in my future will be good. They will be good for my health and my heart, and they will make me strong. Stronger than I am right now. Which isn't saying much.
I'm listening to Coffey Anderson, wondering what he thinks in his genius head. That man writes good music. Such good music. When I have a feeling like I do now, I want to grab my ipod and my big 90's headphones and hop on my bike and ride to the park. To my spot that helps me thing about things I can't think about just any place. It's like my own little world...and I wish with everything that I was there right now. Either there...or in Colorado. Either in Colorado, or in my own little world where nothings harmful. Just for a moment. Just so I can...breathe. Breathing would be wonderful. It's so simple and I yearn for that. I yearn for too much. I should be content. And I am, for the most part. I am blessed. I am blessed. I know that I am blessed. I am full yet as I catch myself over-analyzing I realize that I am empty, too. What a complex girl I am to be full and empty at the same time. Ignorance is my fault.
Running, running, running I wish I was running. Not away from my problems, or my overwhelming stress, or anything physical...just...running.
You know that feeling you get when you think about a really happy memory? One that you think about and don't even have to close your eyes to see it happening all over again. You remember every uninportant detail. What you were wearing and if the people you were with had shoes on that tied. You remember everything and catch yourself smiling one of those smiles other people notice. And you glow. Your dimples are noticable and you laugh for no reason...even if nothing's funny. And if someone you're with asks you why you're smiling...you just laugh and say "it's nothing"...when it's actually everything to you. That one memory, means the world.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Heat Lightening.
Tonight I sat in the back of my best friends truck out in the country, and we watched the heat lightening under the stars. Sometimes I need things like that. Just simple good conversation with good friends and...heat lightening. The simplicity of it all makes it that much more enjoyable, I think. And it's always nice to bask in things like that. Just to know that not only did God create you...but He created that electronic-like squiggle in the sky.
So, we're all broken...yeah. I was thinking about that. As meteocre as my struggles may seem to be or as big as they are...I'm not alone. And this is a comfort. Yet this also allows me to see how selfish I am. How I shouldn't let things so small, sit for so long. While I just stubbed my toe and am sprawled out on my floor wincing in pain...ever 6 seconds someone dies of starvation in Africa. As I struggle to find meaning in my destructive life, someone tries to find meaning in why God took away their parent. As I become so easily angered by things that don't matter, a little girl comes to peace about finding out Santa Clause isn't real. Heat lightening can really put things into perspective :).
So, we're all broken...yeah. I was thinking about that. As meteocre as my struggles may seem to be or as big as they are...I'm not alone. And this is a comfort. Yet this also allows me to see how selfish I am. How I shouldn't let things so small, sit for so long. While I just stubbed my toe and am sprawled out on my floor wincing in pain...ever 6 seconds someone dies of starvation in Africa. As I struggle to find meaning in my destructive life, someone tries to find meaning in why God took away their parent. As I become so easily angered by things that don't matter, a little girl comes to peace about finding out Santa Clause isn't real. Heat lightening can really put things into perspective :).
Here I am. Phew.
A dear friend of mine suggested that I start a blog, so here I am. First off, I'll introduce myself. I'm not familiar with this whole blogging thing, and I've realized I'm probably just talking to myself. However, my name is Kelsey, and I am insane. I live at 3396 don't stalk me. What if I posted my phone number, address, and the park I ride my bike to everyday, on here? Now there's a way to find out if I have any readers! If I randomly get shoved into a white van, I'ts atleast good to know someone's reading this :) Yet I know I'm spoiling all your hopes and dreams by saying my name is, in fact Kelsey, and I am homeless. I live everywhere and am learning to love life more and am absolutely crazy in love with this guy Jesus Christ. Yeah, He's kind of a big deal. If you don't know him, gimme a shout. He's pretty cool to talk about and I can fill ya in.
I've had insomnia for about a year and a half now. I guess you could say that I'm used to it. I've been on many different medications, had blood tests, and even therapy-yet I still struggle to fall asleep at night. Aside from that-I'm a blessed little girl, if I do say so myself.
So, here I am. I don't think it's important for you to know what I look like or what I do on the weekends...let me just share my heart with you. To whoever is reading this. And even if no one does..maybe it will not only allow me something to do while not being able to sleep, but also help me discover more about who I am, and who God created me to be. So, I'll share my thoughts with you...whoever "you" are...even my struggles, joys, and everything that God has to teach me. Thanks for reading...if you did. Peace out, girl scout.
I've had insomnia for about a year and a half now. I guess you could say that I'm used to it. I've been on many different medications, had blood tests, and even therapy-yet I still struggle to fall asleep at night. Aside from that-I'm a blessed little girl, if I do say so myself.
So, here I am. I don't think it's important for you to know what I look like or what I do on the weekends...let me just share my heart with you. To whoever is reading this. And even if no one does..maybe it will not only allow me something to do while not being able to sleep, but also help me discover more about who I am, and who God created me to be. So, I'll share my thoughts with you...whoever "you" are...even my struggles, joys, and everything that God has to teach me. Thanks for reading...if you did. Peace out, girl scout.
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