Almost honest

It's 12:53, and I've lost my mind.

Do you ever look so closely at one thing, until it gets blurry and undefined? I do.
Do you ever want to just keep driving and driving, until you run out of gas and places to go? I do.
Do you ever walk through the halls at school, wondering what battles the girl with red eyes is facing? I do.
Do you ever close your eyes tight enough, in hopes that when you open them, everything won't hurt as much? I do.
Do you ever just wish for one more conversation with that person who's in heaven now? I do.

Everything...and then nothing...and then scrambled up thoughts.

I'm staring at my pink wall. How the edges of the paint mold into these wrinkley lines all up and down my wall. My fan is spinning and spinning and my head is throbbing with the thought of waking up in 6 hours, when I know I won't fall asleep for another two.

I figit, alot. Am constantly moving. My acting teacher has had to teach me various different techniques in order to keep my body somewhat still. Ask my best friend in the world. We shared a bunk at kamp and I hardly a remember a moment where I wasn't shaking the entire bed in discomfort. I hate stillness. Even in life, if I'm not moving it just feels like I'm not going anywhere, at all. And it's aweful.

I'll probably delete this entry in the morning. It's becoming hard to breathe.

At the end of the day, I always think about anything I could have done differently to allow a better outcome in any given situation. Today, my flaw was being almost honest. Lord, I need some fullness. I need the stars, I need fresh air, I need good music....I just need You.

School starts tomorrow. The last "first day of highscool" as all the seniors are saying. I don't wanna be sentimental. I just want to make the most of this year and move on. Keep moving, moving, moving-I'm SO ready to grow. I feel so held back here. I just need to jump off the roof and fly. Not like superman, i'm not that optimistic...I just need new scenary...

Change is coming. And I'm ready for it.