I just don't even want to move. I'm skipping class again and I know I'm so close to falling off the face of the earth. How can I possibly help anyone else before helping myself? I wish that somehow I could pull myself together so I could try and help her.
There was blood everywhere and that's the only thing that could resound in my mind. The fact that she was shaking so much because the warm blood keeping her warm was coming out so fast. There have bee times I've been scared for my life before...but it's a different feeling when you're scared for someone else's life...I felt paralyzed and I knew that if anything happened to her I would dissolve, too.
I talked to my friend who lives in the same house as her...for about an hour yesterday. Man, I didn't even realize I had that much free time on my hands...acting seems to be consuming my time in all the wrong ways.
15 more days until Colorado...and it couldn't come sooner.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Life does this.
I'm on my knees praying for them to love me, again.
Asking for understanding to grasp the reason why they stopped.
Asking for understanding to grasp the reason why they stopped.
Temporary Home.
When we were little on boring summer days she would create. One day she made me an amusement park out of desk chairs and duct tape...another day we made up a whole trampoline show for mom. And on special days we would go to the park and roller blade. When I went to kamp my first year I was so scared...and she wrote me a letter for every day I was there...
I haven't had a sister in 4 years. Ever since she left for college-she left my life, too. I lost my sister...my flesh...and mom? She lost her daughter. I would always defend her to the moon. Even if it caused me a bruised face, it was more worth it than anything. And now...I've got nothing.
I have to remind me of reasons to live. Seems silly, but it takes me everything to live. The past 3 nights have been hazy and I want to leave this town...this state...this family...this world.
She said I deserved it and though physical pain wasn't inflicted at that moment...I felt like half of the person I've ever been. I felt like the person whom I'd loved more than anyone in the entire world...didn't love me anymore.
Fighting for life isn't easy. And only God knows if I'll succeed. I'm so tired. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lie here and close my eyes.
I haven't had a sister in 4 years. Ever since she left for college-she left my life, too. I lost my sister...my flesh...and mom? She lost her daughter. I would always defend her to the moon. Even if it caused me a bruised face, it was more worth it than anything. And now...I've got nothing.
I have to remind me of reasons to live. Seems silly, but it takes me everything to live. The past 3 nights have been hazy and I want to leave this town...this state...this family...this world.
She said I deserved it and though physical pain wasn't inflicted at that moment...I felt like half of the person I've ever been. I felt like the person whom I'd loved more than anyone in the entire world...didn't love me anymore.
Fighting for life isn't easy. And only God knows if I'll succeed. I'm so tired. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lie here and close my eyes.
Sometimes We Forget What We Got.
God, this is hard. I'm growing and growing and I feel so big and strong. Like You and I can conquer the world. That I realize that I mess up...that I sometimes even intentionally mess up...but man Yahweh is so everlasting. And You and I...God together we can't be defeated.
I feel defeated. I feel below sea level and my jacket's stuck under a rock and I'm drowning. You can look at the bottom of my shoes and see X's or you can see crosses. I step on things, things step on me, but the cross is always there...waiting for me. God, I'm trying to be real.
She told me that she had been hurt all of her life. That somehow my face was never slammed into the side of the piano and that the pictures of the bruises covering my skin had magically become my sisters. There was so much bullshit coming out of her mouth that my throat was on fire. I told her that he had hit me again. That when I was homeless-it wasn't self chosen. She told me I probably deserved it. That all those years I had probably deserved it, too. That she, herself, had come close to knocking me out. I felt like my organs were shutting down. I stammered to the back of Bed Bath and Beyond and sat behind the curtains. My grandma left without me. That was fine. Crying by the linen someone created a shield around me. This was an hour ago...
This wasn't even the beginning to the stories I wanted to write down today...but now it's all that seems to matter. And here comes the coping...and the bad season is blowing in. I see it up ahead and I wish I was prepared.
I know I have alot. That things are just things...and I wish I was good enough for them to love.
I feel defeated. I feel below sea level and my jacket's stuck under a rock and I'm drowning. You can look at the bottom of my shoes and see X's or you can see crosses. I step on things, things step on me, but the cross is always there...waiting for me. God, I'm trying to be real.
She told me that she had been hurt all of her life. That somehow my face was never slammed into the side of the piano and that the pictures of the bruises covering my skin had magically become my sisters. There was so much bullshit coming out of her mouth that my throat was on fire. I told her that he had hit me again. That when I was homeless-it wasn't self chosen. She told me I probably deserved it. That all those years I had probably deserved it, too. That she, herself, had come close to knocking me out. I felt like my organs were shutting down. I stammered to the back of Bed Bath and Beyond and sat behind the curtains. My grandma left without me. That was fine. Crying by the linen someone created a shield around me. This was an hour ago...
This wasn't even the beginning to the stories I wanted to write down today...but now it's all that seems to matter. And here comes the coping...and the bad season is blowing in. I see it up ahead and I wish I was prepared.
I know I have alot. That things are just things...and I wish I was good enough for them to love.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Let Perfect Love Come.
"Give us the grace to stand with you."
There hasn't been a moment I have felt so inclined to get a tattoe, as much as now. It will say "Everything happens for a reason" for the simple facts that everything does happen for a reason.
I met a beautiful boy who liked my company. Our taste in music was similar to almost identical but our world views couldn't be more different. God, it was refreshing to be in the presence of such an older, wiser, and handsome human being. Although I should have assumed that things would turn the way they always seem to turn...mostly because I am not doing what I am called to. That void that I was doing everything not to fill...is being over-flowed with toxin.
Let me set these goals to help fill this void with Jesus, nothing else:
1. live indifferently to upsetting situations.
2. get dreds.
3. keep discovering beautiful music.
4. make beautiful music.
5. live prayerfully.
I'm going to go with this mattering.
Come break these damn chains. They're tearing me down. I'll go with #5 on this...
Let's talk.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Open heart; broken heart.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
I cannot do it on my own. I cannot do it all alone.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Mmmm
He woke up, today. That is a blessing in itself. The doctor's said he had no brain activity and little to no chance of surviving...and boy did he disprove the hell out of them. The power of pray seems like a stupid phrase but praise God for miracles.
I wrote my Grandpa an e-mail about everything. I sent it about 10 minutes ago. Weary of waiting for a response; wondering if I'll even get one...Mostly just scared, I guess.
Everyone's changing. I don't even know what earthly person to go to. If there even is one. People are changed by other people and that irks me. People make bad decisions everyday. I'm at the top of the 'bad decision club'...but what gets me is when people's characters are shaped by the people they hang out with. I guess the phrase 'you are who your friends are' is really seeming to become true. And that...well that's sad.
I'm sad. I miss her. I miss him. I miss you. I miss old things, old smells, and security. So unhappy with where I am in life. What can I do...where can I go? Only God knows...
I wrote my Grandpa an e-mail about everything. I sent it about 10 minutes ago. Weary of waiting for a response; wondering if I'll even get one...Mostly just scared, I guess.
Everyone's changing. I don't even know what earthly person to go to. If there even is one. People are changed by other people and that irks me. People make bad decisions everyday. I'm at the top of the 'bad decision club'...but what gets me is when people's characters are shaped by the people they hang out with. I guess the phrase 'you are who your friends are' is really seeming to become true. And that...well that's sad.
I'm sad. I miss her. I miss him. I miss you. I miss old things, old smells, and security. So unhappy with where I am in life. What can I do...where can I go? Only God knows...
The Fight.
My Warrior,
You are not called to follow others my beloved warrior. I have appointed you to lead them to me. Life will become a great adventure if you will step out to the frontline and fight for those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Don’t look back on what you have lost; look forward to the great victories that are in front of you. You don’t have to hide behind your fears and insecurities any longer. I can and will turn your pain into passion to change the world around you. As you find your way to the frontline, Hide this truth in your heart, “This fight is not just for you; it is for all those you dearly love.”
Love,
Your King
Who Fights for You
You are not called to follow others my beloved warrior. I have appointed you to lead them to me. Life will become a great adventure if you will step out to the frontline and fight for those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Don’t look back on what you have lost; look forward to the great victories that are in front of you. You don’t have to hide behind your fears and insecurities any longer. I can and will turn your pain into passion to change the world around you. As you find your way to the frontline, Hide this truth in your heart, “This fight is not just for you; it is for all those you dearly love.”
Love,
Your King
Who Fights for You
"He will say to them, ‘Listen to me, all you men of Israel! Do not be afraid as you go out to fight your enemies today! Do not lose heart or panic or tremble before them."-Deuteronomy 20:3
Love letter.
My princess give me your plans.
I know you have an idea in your head on how everything should unfold in your life. Even today you have an agenda. Because I love you, I need you to give Me back all your plans for today and for all your tomorrows. If you let Me have your day, I can then intervene with something special. My intervention will give you more joy in your journey then your good intentions. I know all that your heart longs for, and I want to do more for you than you could ever do for yourself. So give Me a chance to change your agenda from ordinary to extraordinary, because that's the kind of life I've destined you to live, My beloved.
Love,
Your King and your Planner
I know you have an idea in your head on how everything should unfold in your life. Even today you have an agenda. Because I love you, I need you to give Me back all your plans for today and for all your tomorrows. If you let Me have your day, I can then intervene with something special. My intervention will give you more joy in your journey then your good intentions. I know all that your heart longs for, and I want to do more for you than you could ever do for yourself. So give Me a chance to change your agenda from ordinary to extraordinary, because that's the kind of life I've destined you to live, My beloved.
Love,
Your King and your Planner
Look for His Likeness.
"We are God's idea. We are his. His face. His eyes. His hands. His touch. We are him. Look deeply into the face of every human being on earth, and you will see his likeness. Though some appear to be distant relatives, they are not. God has no cousins, only children.
We are incredibly, the body of Christ. And though we may not act like our Father, there is no greater truth than this: We are his. Unalterably. He loves us. Undyingly. Nothing can seperate us from the love of Christ."
-A Gentle Thunder.
We are incredibly, the body of Christ. And though we may not act like our Father, there is no greater truth than this: We are his. Unalterably. He loves us. Undyingly. Nothing can seperate us from the love of Christ."
-A Gentle Thunder.
God, Our Defender.
"Here is a big question. What is God doing when you are in a bind? When the lifeboat springs a leak? When the rip cord snaps? When the last penny is gone before the last bill is paid?...
I know what we are doing. Nibbling on nails like corn on cob. Pacing floors. Taking pills...
But what does God do?...
He fights for us. He steps into the ring and point us to our corner and takes over.
His job is to fight. Our job is to trust.
Just trust. Not direct. Or question...Our job is to pray and wait."
-When God Whispers Your Name
I know what we are doing. Nibbling on nails like corn on cob. Pacing floors. Taking pills...
But what does God do?...
He fights for us. He steps into the ring and point us to our corner and takes over.
"Remain calm; the Lord will fight for you"
His job is to fight. Our job is to trust.
Just trust. Not direct. Or question...Our job is to pray and wait."
-When God Whispers Your Name
Sunday, September 5, 2010
When souls collide.
"We're different from the others cause we share the same pain. It's mutual. It's beautiful. And all of our tears and all of our fears they all come in one form, and yet we think we're from a different storm."
I met someone with the same soul.
The other night was the most beautiful night of my life. Behnoosh, Lexie, and I went to John Mayer. Then Lexie and I went home and got pillows and blankets and drove out to the country and looked at the stars. We rolled down the windows of her car and blared Trevor Hall and realized how connected we were. Our stories are so different...but it's like our souls collide. We've shared the same pain.
How do you wrap your mind around that? Not sure you can.
After star-gazing we drove around and climbed atop of the tallest roof on Main street and yelled at passerby-ers at 4am. We also managed to walk down Main barefoot. It was hilarious. Then we went back to the country and if it wasn't enough-we watched the sun rise. To make something out of nothing into everything.
When I was homeless for a week I learned alot. I hurt alot. I proceeded to go back into old ways of coping, and it literally left bruises all over me. My heart...mostly my neck. Embarrasement. Red cheeks. Football games. Regret. Death.
I'm going to miss the hell out of her. She was the literal most precious person I have ever got to know. I remember visiting her and her always having every type of food cooked and ready for us. How she accidently sent me 2 identical checks for graduation. How it was the best thing in the world to hold her old hands as we crossed the street because it made us both feel safe. I found out she died right at the same moment I got pulled over for running a stop sign, last night. And I refused to believe that he overdosed because of the pain. I refused to believe that he's lying in a coma right now-not even wanting to fight for his life-because she lost hers. It breaks me apart...and I realize how helpless I am.
Everyone seemed to break down in church, today. It's all that we knew how to do. I held her hand and scratched her back...but my own throat was burning a hole in me-that is going to take a while to close back up, again.
I'm trying to distract myself and think of the other night. Think about how much closer we felt to God, because we were elevated above ground. The roof seemed like it was touching the stars...and God was holding every inch of us.
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