This weekend full of joy turned into a disaster. An hour into the 11 hour car ride to Denver I found out she died by a once sentence text message. I didn't know how to react. We were all starting to become so close and I thought they meant another Josie...because this wasn't real. I had seen her 48 hours before...and it just doesn't seem right that this happy person isn't here anymore. I sat in the back of Ashley's car with two people I barely know-holding in my sobs. I called Behnoosh to see if she was okay...Josie had been at her birthday dinner just days before. Then I called Sarah and couldn't even understand her. She was crying so hard that nothing made sense and all I could do was say "I know" and "I love you" through her sobs. That broke me. Sarah never cries. I got off the phone and I couldn't keep it in anymore. We finally stopped to use the restroom and thank God it was a one person because I got in there, ran the water, and just broke. But the drive continued and I did my best to focus on the better.
Lauren and I talked a while in the car while Ashley slept in the back. We mainly talked about Lexie, though. How this seemed like the perfect weekend for my visit because she was getting worse by the day-and I knew she needed me. It was finally my turn to drive...I got the graveyard shift...basically 12-3ish...it was brutal. I got a call from Maggie telling me that Lexie was gone and that's all she could say. I was so mad. I wanted to know more and I just didn't understand. Not long after did I get a call from Lexie from her therapists phone. She had been there for 8 hours and they were making her go to a 72 hour facility in the phsych ward at the hospital. What? This wasn't happening. I came to Colorado to see her...to be there for her...and now she was going to be a patient in the ER? The next day I recieved more calls from her...I found out that she had blood tests and psychiatric evaluations and that they deemed her "not a harm to herself or others". Bullshit. The 30 gashes on each arm are a dead give away. They released her and they stayed in a hotel over night. So that day she was completely in the dark. It wasn't until later that I found out that she got kicked out of the program, and was already on the first flight home. I didn't even get to see her...
But I'm here. We finally get in at 5am and I crawl into Maggie's bed and we slept. The next day Phil took Lauren, Ashley, and I to the park and we talked for a while before Austin showed up. When Maggie finally got home we all went to PETA which is a food/hookah bar. So chill and so relaxing. We smoked the sky :) After that we all went to Phil and Austin's gig at this 24 hour coffee shop. God, it was perfect. They played Trevor Hall, Bob Marley, Matisyahu, Outkast, and some original stuff. At one point Lauren looked at me grabbed both of my hands making me agree in total absolution that we were so happy. And I was. We all were. Sitting there watching these beautiful people sing and hanging out with the homeless people who kept yelling "play some screamo!"...it was medicine for me. Then a couple of us came home and I actually slept...for a while. It was phenomenal. Then today I was woken up by a leaky pipe, but then we chilled for a while and went to Boulder. I got this hilarious new beanie and a new ring. We ate at the BEST burrito place who had a live DJ and then we headed to Maggie's house. Hands down the most beautiful home I had ever seen. They live on a ranch with a barn and a billion horses and the cutest ranch style home. It's huge and everything's beautiful and wooden. I was mesmorized. Her mother was the cutest. She just wouldn't let us go. As we were leaving she just started praying mid-sentence and I thought about how blessed we all were to be together-though I don't know anyone in this house but a few people. We got home...and Lexie started calling me. She had promised me that once she got home-she was going to check herself into a 3 day rehab facility...but she didn't. She told me she was going out to party and I told her I had to go shower, which was a lie. I walked outside and took a long walk. I just laid on the grass and wanted to sink into the earth for a while. But when I got back to the gap year house everyone was packing up and in the car. They were honking at me and I had figured out they were all headed to Molly's house. There was so much going on and I felt alone. Maggie didn't really invest much time into talking with me so I told them to go without me and that I'd have Austin pick me up later. So I'm at the house with Emily and Jesiah...two people whom I've known since yesterday. We ate hot pockets and talked about how gross they were. Then we went to the basement and watched Dane Cook. Now were in the living room and are all silent waiting for Austin to come. It's funny how two strangers can make me forget my troubles more than my closest friends.
God, I need some rest.
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