Flowers.

It wasn't real until I saw her. I remember getting up that morning. Going to only one of my classes. Picking Sarah up. Praying...praying so hard and so soft before we ate the rice. I remember getting to Behnoosh's house and putting the huge flowers in our hair. I remember offering to drive, but regretting that I did. I remember getting there, and giving Lauren's stone cold face a hug. What do you say to someone who's just lost their best friend in the worst way imaginable? Nothing. There is nothing.

We sat down and watched a slideshow of pictures. From when she was born all up until just a week ago where there popped up pictures of Josie and Behnoosh...Josie and Sarah. And all I could do was sit there and pat the strangers knee next to me who had no one to hold on to. At the end of the video there was footage of that beautiful girl...she was on a boat, with a flower in her hair...waving goodbye. The pastor read my favorite verse from Eclessiastes "A Time For Everything" and I felt God's warmth beneath my eyelids and I couldn't hold my tears anymore. It was open casket...my God, I don't know why but she still looked beautiful. I couldn't will myself to go up there, though, so I waited in the back until Behnoosh and Sarah were finished shaking the families hands. Then we got to my car, and just sat there for a while...

I got home a few hours later and just sat there in my driveway for a little over an hour. It's all that made sense to do, really. And though I'm excited that I am about to head to see Sufjan, I'm afraid of this week. Of staying in Dallas with Lexie. Of convincing her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go simply because I don't want to have to endure this, again. I don't want all feeling to evaporate from my bones, and I don't want to be sitting in MY best friends funeral, next week. God, I am so scared.