Tossing and Turning.

Not sure why I allow myself to feel this way. Let anything and everything swoop up from under me and swallow me whole.

My boss tried to kill herself yesterday. You don't know her so you wouldn't know the type of shock I expirienced from the news. She was in a coma because she overdosed on her anti-depressants and here all along I've thought she was the most joyful person. So I guess I don't know her all to well, either.

Last Friday I told her about Africa. We sat at The Bow Shop for about an hour talking about the Lord and missioning and she told me she wanted to donate to help me go and also send over a box of bows to the orphanage. She told me I could have my job back when I returned, if I wanted it, that is, and I had never felt more supported. Well I had...but just the passion behind her voice reminded me of my own.

She woke up today which is awesome, and that miracle was so prayerfully centered. I took her husbands spot at work today and he updated me on everything. Said she's not exactly coherent but she know's who he is and she ate today which was good. Before leaving he told me that Tina thinks the world of me and opened his arms to give me the biggest bear hug and when he had let go, I noticed he was crying.

People surprise you. In good ways...and in bad. I allow myself to be sucked into the pit and more times than not it's so incredibly unbearable that I just look for a hand to hold. I yearn the physical touch of what it feels like to just be held amidst all this chaos. I just want to be able to let go and cry, and for someone to tell me I'm okay in doing so. But I feel alone. I open Radical and remember that I am not...but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I can't sleep at night, but I toss and turn during the day, too.