Untitled.

Trying to put into words what I've been feeling, lately. Just literally yearning for a wordly explanation, but I fall to my knees speechless.

I always expect the worst to happen at this time of year. Every year since I can remember, this season has brought me much pain. And in this season I just think about her, and him, and me, and them. I think about how I'm not bringing them any happiness for what I am doing here...just sitting and not moving. Just thinking these thoughts and going against my muscles and my heart.

Trying to form sentences, I'll go ahead and spill...

I am scared. The people I care about I can count on one hand, and the rest don't really need me or want me-I don't think. I am scared that I am already feeling this disconnectedness and that Africa will only solidify the fact that we are growing apart. That as much as we care about each other, me and the people on my one hand...I will be on a different continent. I will have a different vision. I'll be away. They won't need me.

I am scared. Entering this season makes me vulnerable and sad. Sarah and I sat on the balcony a couple nights ago smoking a cigarrette and talking about her for the first time since her funeral. Just about how close we all had gotten after she died, and how close we would all be with her if she was still alive. We talked about our last conversation, and how we saw her only 48 hours before she was gone. It's even hard to type. I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry sometimes, but try as I might...I can't muster up the tears. And the reason I can't, is because I'm afraid I'll never stop.

I am scared. About a year ago I almost lost someone I care so much about, by choice. I sit in her room a week after she tried to end her life, and I look at the wounds all up and down her and I know I can't heal her this time. That this is beyond my control, and this girl is broken more than I could ever know how to fix her. And one year later...she's still drowning.

I am scared. I am drowning myself. I keep having night terrors again and I'm literally trapped under water and I can't breathe. And when I try and come up for air, he pushes me back down and there's nothing left.

I am scared. I am going to Africa...but I know it'll all made well and clear and this is all for a purpose. You're the only one who brings me peace. Still running in circles over here. Just needing to grab onto Your hand, Daddy.