"Death is weird. Coming from everything I believe in, I should have a peace. I believe in a God who is waiting for me in heaven, and I believe that I will see those whom I have lost one day…but it hurts and it takes healing and time. It’s hard to be present when your heart is hurting and your head is in the clouds. You may be present in class, but you’re not really there. That’s the worst part. You may be with your favorite people in the whole world where you shouldn’t worry and you shouldn’t be anxious, but you feel the thud of your heart going everywhere and you have to escape to get some fresh air.
The people you love come after you because they care. They ask you what’s wrong because they know you well enough to know that it’s not nothing when you say it’s nothing. They know it’s everything. So you sit and cry and tell them about how bad your heartstrings hurt and they just put a hand on you, and you feel lifted? They speak healing and wisdom over you while you’re crying till your voice is raspy and when they’re done, you feel a peace. You don’t understand why this person in your life had to die in the way that she did, but the hand strung through yours and the flood of love and family make you realize that she is healed. And she is okay. And it’s only just me who is messed up. So I must rest easy knowing that she’s in a better place. And I must breathe easy because I am loved, and she’s really just an angel now…so it’s all just painfully worth it."
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
We Serve a Greater Purpose
Words can't really describe this weekend. The Lord knows exactly what I need and delivers me from the scary darkness of not trusting Him. Abbey and Ellen were in town and yesterday was Hunter's birthday. We did everything from building a slippin slide in an elementary school park, to go carting and chasing geese in a field. Surrounded by camp people, basically all just brothers and sisters and praying before we ate anything because we were together and we serve the same God who fills us up.
Abbey and I drove to pretty much any body of water we could find, yesterday. We ended up at a dock of lake thunderbird and we talked for hours about real stuff. She was talking to me about highschool basketball...about how she would laugh after every loss. No one really understood and one day she told her coach "it's because I serve a greater purpose". I lay on the dock literally in awe of what was coming out of her mouth because without her even knowing-she was speaking so much truth into my life. I have never felt like I belonged in school. I don't really learn much because my heart and head is never there...I used to think it was just my laziness but I literally feel this negative tug when I'm sitting in a classroom, not moving. So I skip school, and I drink coffee, and I sink to my knees in prayer. Because I serve a greater purpose. Because this test is so small compared to eternity. Because this basketball game is nothing compared to heaven. We all serve a greater purpose...it doesn't mean that we should drop out of school and stop caring about things we have to work for...it just means that we need to work harder for the things that drive us. The things that literally create a fire in our hearts. We need to open our ears to our Father, and listen to what He wants us to do.
I know I am supposed to go to Africa, and I couldn't be more terrified. But this is the first time in my whole life that I am following God's call in my life...and I couldn't be more amped to get my world rocked...because my God is greater than school, and stronger than anything else. And my God wants me to go.
Abbey and I drove to pretty much any body of water we could find, yesterday. We ended up at a dock of lake thunderbird and we talked for hours about real stuff. She was talking to me about highschool basketball...about how she would laugh after every loss. No one really understood and one day she told her coach "it's because I serve a greater purpose". I lay on the dock literally in awe of what was coming out of her mouth because without her even knowing-she was speaking so much truth into my life. I have never felt like I belonged in school. I don't really learn much because my heart and head is never there...I used to think it was just my laziness but I literally feel this negative tug when I'm sitting in a classroom, not moving. So I skip school, and I drink coffee, and I sink to my knees in prayer. Because I serve a greater purpose. Because this test is so small compared to eternity. Because this basketball game is nothing compared to heaven. We all serve a greater purpose...it doesn't mean that we should drop out of school and stop caring about things we have to work for...it just means that we need to work harder for the things that drive us. The things that literally create a fire in our hearts. We need to open our ears to our Father, and listen to what He wants us to do.
I know I am supposed to go to Africa, and I couldn't be more terrified. But this is the first time in my whole life that I am following God's call in my life...and I couldn't be more amped to get my world rocked...because my God is greater than school, and stronger than anything else. And my God wants me to go.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Doing the Impossible.
I write without hesitation tonight because His voice is at my fingertips. His love, and grace, and mercy is physically making me get chills all over as He reminds me that I identify with Moses...with Peter...with Paul. Katie Davis most beautifully writes,
God made the miraculous happen with ordinary people. With undeserving, messy, completely broken people-at that. And so here I am...saying yes to my calling, and He is sending me. I often ask,
And I feel this pull that is only my Daddy as he scoops me up in His warm grasp and whispers,
...and I think back to the times I didn't trust. I think back to the times where I thought I was lonely and I thought I was hungry. And then these kids come plastered all over my heart and I am filled with love that only comes from my Dad. He used Moses who was a murderer...Paul who killed Christians...and Peter who denied Him...and He is using me who forgets Him every day. 19 years young me, who constantly forgets His love and mercy that comes every day and I sin and I mess up more than any daughter ever should, much less a daughter of the King. And I get down on my knees and I pray more feverently than ever. To trust, to love, and to know that God will do the impossible through me...I only just have to let Him.
"Every morning, as I wake up with some impossible task in front of me, I know that God will meet it with impossible strength and love. I serve the God who used Moses, a murderer, to part the Red Sea; a God who let Peter, who would deny Him, walk on water. A God who looks at me, in all my fallen weakeness and says, 'You can do the imossible'..."
God made the miraculous happen with ordinary people. With undeserving, messy, completely broken people-at that. And so here I am...saying yes to my calling, and He is sending me. I often ask,
"How Father? Why, my King? I am 19 years young and I have barely seen any of the world...and Father, you're asking me to do this? Help care for 10 disabled children in a different country with only one familiar face at my side? This is impossible, Lord. I don't have the skills. I don't have the STRENGTH or the WISDOM to help these kids or communicate much less pour your love and grace into them."
And I feel this pull that is only my Daddy as he scoops me up in His warm grasp and whispers,
"My child, I will do the impossible through you. I will use you. I'm in control. You're not alone."
...and I think back to the times I didn't trust. I think back to the times where I thought I was lonely and I thought I was hungry. And then these kids come plastered all over my heart and I am filled with love that only comes from my Dad. He used Moses who was a murderer...Paul who killed Christians...and Peter who denied Him...and He is using me who forgets Him every day. 19 years young me, who constantly forgets His love and mercy that comes every day and I sin and I mess up more than any daughter ever should, much less a daughter of the King. And I get down on my knees and I pray more feverently than ever. To trust, to love, and to know that God will do the impossible through me...I only just have to let Him.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Transparent.
It's often difficult to even almost impossible to make your skin seem invisible and let people in. It's even more difficult to do so with people that you've been hiding your real self from. And it's the worst when you hide it from someone that God has blessed you with in the best way possible.
I've learned lately that if you keep the pain in your life to yourselves...it will eat you and it will fill you up with random anxiety. You could be sitting in a moving vehicle with some of your most favorite people in the world and it hits you. So you remain silent and these people who know you well enough know that there is something and there is a reason. We sit on the dock and we talk about the guys in their lives and the absence of any in my own. Then they turn to me, and I know it's my turn to talk. I express that this anxiety is from the pain and that it seemed to circulate around my mind all weekend, but I didn't understand why it was so evident while I was in fellowship with people who love the Lord and for some reason or another-love me.
So I spill and they listen and they speak truth into me and then they lay their hands on me and start praying to our Father who is the only one who will bring true comfort. And I know that they love me because I know that they love the Lord, and it is unmistakable.
We leave happy and comforted and Caroline and I chase after a frog. We head to eat more good food and we laugh until we cry, I mean literally the tears were rolling I was laughing that hard. I hug Randi goodbye at the end, not knowing if I'd see her until after Africa but just having this unexplainable joy that I have her in my life and she has the Lord at the center of her heart...just makes me wanna run to Him more, myself.
Caroline and I drive home and talk and listen to good music. We laugh about how I put Diesel in my car...because that sitution would really only happen to us. We get home and she doesn't feel well and there's this peace that I'm not feeling? I don't know why I'm not feeling it because I had the best day with friends, I really did. That morning Care and I went to that seemingly perfect park and sat on the log in the river and had some time with God. We te granola bars and come on we saw Randi and it was good and well and so very centered on our King. Caroline washes her face and I look online at my grades and that was enough to tell me that I needed some air.
I told her that I was going for a walk, and left. She texted me to ask me if I was okay and I really just wasn't. I sat in the slide at the sketchy park across the street and I pray for the peace to come and the pain to stop. And this pain wasn't from loss, or anxiety, or anything we had prayed about earlier. This was a different tug and though I didn't want to believe what it was, I knew. God has been paving the way. He has been aligning everything up for His cray good purpose and here I am, not being transparent. Carrying around this guilt and shame and hurt. I had prayed about it ever since it had become a struggle again and I knew what I had to do. Caroline came to the park and sat next to me in the dirt. We sat in silence for a really, really long while. I don't know how she had so much patience for me because she really had no idea what was going on.
I talked in circles and rambled and cried and felt this tug that I couldn't ignore. You see God is giving me this passion for Africa. He has given me this sister...this soul that longs for the same thing I do. Which is to follow God's plan which just so happens to align with mine. So if He is blessing me with this friendship-then i should be transparent.
I know that I am messing up. That I am dissapointing the only Father that will care enough for me. That I am hiding my struggles with this friend I care so much for. That I have no one to keep me accountable. That I can't keep knowingly falling short and sinning because even though the cross exists, I cannot allow myself to live in darkness. But I was scared. I was ashamed. I know that the sin in my life is forgiven and forgotten by the Lord, but my friend had no idea about any of it. She had no idea how much this person she's about to spend 4 months with was struggling. So I told her. I straight up told her that even though for a while it was easy to deny those toxins, that it wasn't anymore. And that if I forget about God even for an instant that I am weak and I fall into this sin that I despise so much. And sweet Caroline...who isn't perfect because she is human, but who had never struggled with anything like that. I asked her if she hated me or if she thought of me differently and though she hates eye contact, she told me to look at her and said she thought of me no differently. That she knows that I'm not that person anymore and that she is so glad that I trusted her enough to be so transparent with her. She reminded me of the cross, and she just loved me. I know she didn't judge me which was so rare for me to expirience.
The joy of the Lord is like none else. And I know I will fall and I will mess up today, even. Tomorrow for sure. The next day a given. But I know what the love of the Lord feels like, and sometimes it manifests in the best ways through the people on earth you care about the most.
I've learned lately that if you keep the pain in your life to yourselves...it will eat you and it will fill you up with random anxiety. You could be sitting in a moving vehicle with some of your most favorite people in the world and it hits you. So you remain silent and these people who know you well enough know that there is something and there is a reason. We sit on the dock and we talk about the guys in their lives and the absence of any in my own. Then they turn to me, and I know it's my turn to talk. I express that this anxiety is from the pain and that it seemed to circulate around my mind all weekend, but I didn't understand why it was so evident while I was in fellowship with people who love the Lord and for some reason or another-love me.
So I spill and they listen and they speak truth into me and then they lay their hands on me and start praying to our Father who is the only one who will bring true comfort. And I know that they love me because I know that they love the Lord, and it is unmistakable.
We leave happy and comforted and Caroline and I chase after a frog. We head to eat more good food and we laugh until we cry, I mean literally the tears were rolling I was laughing that hard. I hug Randi goodbye at the end, not knowing if I'd see her until after Africa but just having this unexplainable joy that I have her in my life and she has the Lord at the center of her heart...just makes me wanna run to Him more, myself.
Caroline and I drive home and talk and listen to good music. We laugh about how I put Diesel in my car...because that sitution would really only happen to us. We get home and she doesn't feel well and there's this peace that I'm not feeling? I don't know why I'm not feeling it because I had the best day with friends, I really did. That morning Care and I went to that seemingly perfect park and sat on the log in the river and had some time with God. We te granola bars and come on we saw Randi and it was good and well and so very centered on our King. Caroline washes her face and I look online at my grades and that was enough to tell me that I needed some air.
I told her that I was going for a walk, and left. She texted me to ask me if I was okay and I really just wasn't. I sat in the slide at the sketchy park across the street and I pray for the peace to come and the pain to stop. And this pain wasn't from loss, or anxiety, or anything we had prayed about earlier. This was a different tug and though I didn't want to believe what it was, I knew. God has been paving the way. He has been aligning everything up for His cray good purpose and here I am, not being transparent. Carrying around this guilt and shame and hurt. I had prayed about it ever since it had become a struggle again and I knew what I had to do. Caroline came to the park and sat next to me in the dirt. We sat in silence for a really, really long while. I don't know how she had so much patience for me because she really had no idea what was going on.
I talked in circles and rambled and cried and felt this tug that I couldn't ignore. You see God is giving me this passion for Africa. He has given me this sister...this soul that longs for the same thing I do. Which is to follow God's plan which just so happens to align with mine. So if He is blessing me with this friendship-then i should be transparent.
I know that I am messing up. That I am dissapointing the only Father that will care enough for me. That I am hiding my struggles with this friend I care so much for. That I have no one to keep me accountable. That I can't keep knowingly falling short and sinning because even though the cross exists, I cannot allow myself to live in darkness. But I was scared. I was ashamed. I know that the sin in my life is forgiven and forgotten by the Lord, but my friend had no idea about any of it. She had no idea how much this person she's about to spend 4 months with was struggling. So I told her. I straight up told her that even though for a while it was easy to deny those toxins, that it wasn't anymore. And that if I forget about God even for an instant that I am weak and I fall into this sin that I despise so much. And sweet Caroline...who isn't perfect because she is human, but who had never struggled with anything like that. I asked her if she hated me or if she thought of me differently and though she hates eye contact, she told me to look at her and said she thought of me no differently. That she knows that I'm not that person anymore and that she is so glad that I trusted her enough to be so transparent with her. She reminded me of the cross, and she just loved me. I know she didn't judge me which was so rare for me to expirience.
The joy of the Lord is like none else. And I know I will fall and I will mess up today, even. Tomorrow for sure. The next day a given. But I know what the love of the Lord feels like, and sometimes it manifests in the best ways through the people on earth you care about the most.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Jesus, hold my hand?
Leaves changing and hearts growing. Beautiful compilations of all this scar tissue growing together. But the memories still seep down where it hurts the most. They keep me up at night and they make me cry in the least bit of silence. The fact is that I miss her, and I know that this one won't heal for a while. For a really long while...
Not thinking about Africa this week was hard. Now that it's the weekend and I'm with Caroline (which couldn't be a bigger blessing) Africa is swirling around my mind 24/7, again. I remember on the drive up here just becoming anxious. Not knowing how I was going to pay for the plane ticket this soon-because we have to get it this soon. So I prayed and prayed and listening and drove.
Today Caroline and I were sitting on the curb talking. She said we needed to get out plane tickets this weekend, and I told her that I just couldn't. Then she said "Kelsey, my dad said we could buy them with his credit card and you could pay him back whenever you got the money..." and I immedietely fell silent and I knew if I had been standing up then I would have collapsed at that moment. I told her I just...couldn't and she surprised me with what she said next.
"Kels, I understand where you're coming from. But we know that were going to Africa. And we know that God will provide. And if you fully trust Him then you should trust that He will provide the money, too, and let my dad do this."
And I knew that it all made sense. But this man...this man that I hardly knew was willing to spend $1500 on a stranger whom he had met once, not knowing when I'd be able to pay him back. If He trusts God enough to offer such a generous thing...then I should trust that the Lord will continue to pave the way...and provide us with money...right?
This week has been hard. It's been painfully unsettling and my anxiety has been unbearable...but God is faithful...and I see that in every step. He's holding my hand...I know He is.
Not thinking about Africa this week was hard. Now that it's the weekend and I'm with Caroline (which couldn't be a bigger blessing) Africa is swirling around my mind 24/7, again. I remember on the drive up here just becoming anxious. Not knowing how I was going to pay for the plane ticket this soon-because we have to get it this soon. So I prayed and prayed and listening and drove.
Today Caroline and I were sitting on the curb talking. She said we needed to get out plane tickets this weekend, and I told her that I just couldn't. Then she said "Kelsey, my dad said we could buy them with his credit card and you could pay him back whenever you got the money..." and I immedietely fell silent and I knew if I had been standing up then I would have collapsed at that moment. I told her I just...couldn't and she surprised me with what she said next.
"Kels, I understand where you're coming from. But we know that were going to Africa. And we know that God will provide. And if you fully trust Him then you should trust that He will provide the money, too, and let my dad do this."
And I knew that it all made sense. But this man...this man that I hardly knew was willing to spend $1500 on a stranger whom he had met once, not knowing when I'd be able to pay him back. If He trusts God enough to offer such a generous thing...then I should trust that the Lord will continue to pave the way...and provide us with money...right?
This week has been hard. It's been painfully unsettling and my anxiety has been unbearable...but God is faithful...and I see that in every step. He's holding my hand...I know He is.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
365 days later.
It's weird what can happen in a year. A baby can come, scars can multiply, friends can die...it's weird to think back on a year ago. Driving with two strangers to the most beautiful destination and getaway for the weekend. Sitting in the backseat watching cars go by and being so full of joy that I was on my way to see my broken best friend.
It's like I remember every single detail. A year later and I still remember the clothes I was wearing and the way I fixed my hair that morning. I remember it was gore day in make-up class and I remember that I skipped my English class so that my roadtrip with these two strangers to the most beautiful destination could come faster.
Driving and driving for not very long. About two hours in and I find out the news. Praise the Lord that He wrapped His ever so loving hands around me to keep me calm to talk to my friends through their hysteria. Praise the Lord for our bathroom stop that allowed me to sink to my knees on the grimy floor and cry and cry so I could get it out of my system to talk to more people and tell them that it was going to be okay, when I knew it wasn't.
My mind was diverged and I played tetris on my phone. Getting the late shift to drive, praise God for that even. Getting that call in the middle of the night from my broken best friend who was in the hospital because she had tried to kill herself. Not knowing my body could physically feel so much pain at one moment, but still staying focused on the road.
Today I woke up and started my morning in a hurry. Did my presenation, skipped my next class, went home to do everything I could to not think about today. But I know that I should write something, I know that I shouldn't eradicate it from my mind completely. Because that's not fair to her. It's not fair to her memory. I know Lauren won't talk about it, I was with her till 4am and I could see it in her eyes. I guess that was enough to remind me to pray until my throat bled for her to have peace, today.
Josie did so much than just live and die. She was beautiful and her heart was that big. Just hearing her father read from her journal made me want to curl up and cry for hours for her absence. For the fact that someone with such a great spirit isn't here anymore. But then I realize that she is with our Daddy and she is safe and the happiest she'll ever be to just be with him. And she brought me and Lauren together. And I know that was for a purpose, and so I pray for her today. I pray for her family, I pray for all of our friends. And Lord, I know your purpose will prevail.
It's like I remember every single detail. A year later and I still remember the clothes I was wearing and the way I fixed my hair that morning. I remember it was gore day in make-up class and I remember that I skipped my English class so that my roadtrip with these two strangers to the most beautiful destination could come faster.
Driving and driving for not very long. About two hours in and I find out the news. Praise the Lord that He wrapped His ever so loving hands around me to keep me calm to talk to my friends through their hysteria. Praise the Lord for our bathroom stop that allowed me to sink to my knees on the grimy floor and cry and cry so I could get it out of my system to talk to more people and tell them that it was going to be okay, when I knew it wasn't.
My mind was diverged and I played tetris on my phone. Getting the late shift to drive, praise God for that even. Getting that call in the middle of the night from my broken best friend who was in the hospital because she had tried to kill herself. Not knowing my body could physically feel so much pain at one moment, but still staying focused on the road.
Today I woke up and started my morning in a hurry. Did my presenation, skipped my next class, went home to do everything I could to not think about today. But I know that I should write something, I know that I shouldn't eradicate it from my mind completely. Because that's not fair to her. It's not fair to her memory. I know Lauren won't talk about it, I was with her till 4am and I could see it in her eyes. I guess that was enough to remind me to pray until my throat bled for her to have peace, today.
Josie did so much than just live and die. She was beautiful and her heart was that big. Just hearing her father read from her journal made me want to curl up and cry for hours for her absence. For the fact that someone with such a great spirit isn't here anymore. But then I realize that she is with our Daddy and she is safe and the happiest she'll ever be to just be with him. And she brought me and Lauren together. And I know that was for a purpose, and so I pray for her today. I pray for her family, I pray for all of our friends. And Lord, I know your purpose will prevail.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Bai.
That awkward moment when you wished you'd never let him go.
Is it not enough that I have no one in my life to love like that? And I'm not looking. Gosh, I really am not looking at all. I've got too much going on in my heart to even think about letting someone else in, in that way. Not that I have any prospects any way.
I forget about him because it's been that long to where I can forget about him and I should forget about him. And then memories of those conversations and drives and insence just make everything more foggy and I have to make myself catch my breath. Then I have to see his face and his stupid crooked smile and I have to relive that pain at every moment. I let him slip through my fingers because I saw that he could hurt me. And that he would hurt me. And despite the fact that he said I was his best friend, and that he'd always wanted to marry his best friend made my head hurt because I was 16 years old and he was telling me everything I'd ever wanted to hear.
And now he's gone. And now he's with my ex best friend. And now I just saw him at the mall, and I feel this pain that should've been eradicated 3 years ago. Three stinkin years ago.
And if it isn't enough, they play the same damn song they played at her funeral about 3 times a week at the mall.
Is it not enough that I have no one in my life to love like that? And I'm not looking. Gosh, I really am not looking at all. I've got too much going on in my heart to even think about letting someone else in, in that way. Not that I have any prospects any way.
I forget about him because it's been that long to where I can forget about him and I should forget about him. And then memories of those conversations and drives and insence just make everything more foggy and I have to make myself catch my breath. Then I have to see his face and his stupid crooked smile and I have to relive that pain at every moment. I let him slip through my fingers because I saw that he could hurt me. And that he would hurt me. And despite the fact that he said I was his best friend, and that he'd always wanted to marry his best friend made my head hurt because I was 16 years old and he was telling me everything I'd ever wanted to hear.
And now he's gone. And now he's with my ex best friend. And now I just saw him at the mall, and I feel this pain that should've been eradicated 3 years ago. Three stinkin years ago.
And if it isn't enough, they play the same damn song they played at her funeral about 3 times a week at the mall.
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