Remember.

Today I am grateful to the point of exhaustion.
I try and utter simple words of thanks but my voice is too shaky from receiving the grace I've been offered that I turn Shane on loud and I sing the words that come both out of the speaker, and from my voice box.

I turn the steering wheel, hesitant but glad, and I let the hot tears sweep my face because I know that I am madly loved, and undeservingly so.

I sweep all of the dirt from the floor and from the past with shadows and secrets. I don't let anything be uncovered for all this time because I don't want to admit that I was ever weak, and I especially don't want to come to terms with the fact that I still am. And with my Father at my side I will always be weak-but I know He'll be there to catch me. To sweep the dirt off the floor, and my sins out the door, and say to me that I am graciously forgiven.

I sing louder than ever but with joy, mostly. With joy that comes directly from the tears of my Heavenly Father and my earthbound one. I pray for their connection so badly that it consumes me to the point of forgetting about traffic and sitting alone in the middle of the road. But I give this to Him. I really do. I give all of this to my Saviour and my Healer because He is good. He is so damn good.

The funny things is I know that tomorrow I will forget. So Lord fill me up, place my hands in yours, and be my reminder. I can write 70x7 and Zacchaeus and Isaiah on my hand but it's nothing if I forget. Help me to remember, Lord. Remember even when it's hard and even when it hurts. Your joy overcomes; Your grace is the best; and Your love beats it all. I'll try not to forget. Ever again.

Unconditional Love.

Today I learned.

I learned that sometimes grown men cry when they rear-end you.
I learned that sometimes they also drive off.

Today I learned that its good to be put in your place.

It's important to be honest.

And that transparency does nothing but just grow relationships.

Today I learned that people's hearts can be the most forgiving home.

I learned that the joy of the Lord can quiet any doubt; any fear.

Today I learned that Yahweh shows up in even the friendships who don't know Him.

I learned that sometimes He calls us to love people who have hurt us tremendously.

Thanks for sparing me some of that unconditional love you've mastered. You show me more of Christ every day.

Wish you could read this.

(old and edited)

Father.

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

How can I persecute him for hurting me, when he doesn't even know the Father's love?

I have been saved.

I have been delivered.

I have been healed.

He still doesn't know what that feels like. He has never experienced grace. He has never been forgiven. He has never fully captured the capacity to love because he has never fully encountered God's. If he did, then he would have known how much he hurt me...how much he continues to. How hard it is to look him in the eyes, still, because of all the pain he has inflicted on me. There's so many scars that they would add up to far to count. 

God told me to love him. And at first I didn't understand why, but now I know. He is more broken than he could ever break me. So why wouldn't I love him? I hurt my heavenly Father every single day. Every day I break His heart and I run from Him, sprint from Him, yet still he ends up at the end. He scoops me up and loves me even though I strayed away from the cross. He catches me. He fills me. He is enough. He makes me realize this mountain and this valley that I too far often get caught between is really His hands holding me just a little tighter; just a little closer.

Maybe...if I show my earthly Father this love that I expirience daily...maybe he will realize that he's been held all this time, too.

Father give me the strength to love him in the hard places...for he knows not what he does.

These boots were made for...something.

The ins and outs and ups and downs are driving me nearly insane. I trip and catch myself and life laughs at me like it's a silly little joke and then i stumble again. It's a trivial process of the divergence of my life. It's literally spinning-always moving. Trying to look towards the good. New pair of boots. Seemingly new persepctive. And God's love is so at my fingertips. I just wanna be wrapped in it, really. That's all that I want.

Cuts and Tears.

Sometimes I lay here listening to the Return by Trevor Hall and an extremely large mixture of emotions swirl around my head. I can't decide if they're from my droopy eyes so I try and cast the negativity away.

But then I remember the conversation.
The kiss.
The divorce.
The cancer.

All of this cutting up the good and destroying the bad. Tearing up any positivity left in my soul, or trapped in my bones. Only cuts and tears, tonight.

Wings.

I sit in silence at gray owl with my sister. The feel of a chai in my stomach and the feel of a tug on my heart. I mess up and I speak out and this cycle continues and my voice eventually gives out. But then I remember. And when that happens I sit in silence at gray owl with my sister.

I remember and forget, type and still forget. So then I grab my leather journal and literally the ink sinks down into the paper and ultimately it engraves itself on my heart. But does it really? Because for one moment I forgot. For one moment I didn't pray or think or come to any realization except for what I wanted in that moment. So I took it. And then I woke up needed something stronger than a chai. I make some coffee and try to move on.

Moving on and up and down and forward-anything but backward as I move through time the time that seems seemingly slow and seemingly fast at the same time. Seems weird.

So I will pick up my things and pick up my heart that is in the seat next to Hunter and I and I will leave Gray Owl because it's closing. And I will leave this lifestyle as it really isn't mine.

Bai.

Nag.

I woke up today breathing in my Father's mercies.
I got out of bed and did the same as I brushed my hair and teeth.
My car coughed out the beautiul aroma of Nag, which always
reminds me of God for some reason.

Today will be good because I said so.
Mostly because God says so.
He woke me up, He gave me today, so I will be well.
I will weave in and out of class thanking Him all the while.
He is faithful...and He never leaves.

When I bend low, He's even lower trying to catch my tears, my fears.
It's enough for any day of the week.
It's enough for the weak...but within this I am strong.

Hosea.

A barely audible whisper of “Father” and I drop to my knees and know that He wants me to give Him all of this. And then some.

My heavy heart goes light and I want to cry for leaving Him for the days that I did. Praying here and there is one thing, but sinking my knees to this earth to praise Him is another. Clasping my hands and saying “Lord I NEED you” is also another.

I don’t want to doubt and I don’t want to run away.
I’m running to you now, Lord. Running into Your always open arms.
I’m so sorry for leaving.
I know you’ve forgotten my mess ups and today even, I woke up thinking of the cross, even though I went to sleep forgetting.

I don’t want to ever do that again, because you see, you’re my all. And what makes me shiver is that I hear you Father...I hear you saying

“You’re it for me, my beloved.”

And I know that as much as I love Him…He loves me that much more.

Matthew 7:12

"So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them."

I'm reading the book Redeeming Love and it makes me catch my breath with each page. I honestly feel my heart growing bigger, and my anger growing smaller.

The main character, Michael Hosea, speaks to his wife (who is a former prostitute) about how badly his father had treated him. How bad he had treated the slaves for one simple lesson to be heard. His wife, Angel, said that he must have hated his father. Michael's words were simple but strong as he said,

"No. I loved him, and I'm grateful he was my father."

What? This man who was supposed to love Michael, cast him away. He showed him nothing but abandonment, really. My head is spinning as is Angel's who asks why.

"Without all that, I might have never come to know the Lord."

And I fall to my knees in exasperation. I fall to my knees with open eyes and a bleeding heart. Crying out to my heavenly Father I ask for Him to continue to pave the way and to fill me heart up with love. Because if I want love in return, I must start with giving it. I must only start with just centering my heart on my King, and allowing His love to take over.

His Love Is Big Enough.

Everyone knows the feeling of falling off your bike and scraping your knees. Especially when you're a kid, in that one moment you feel like the whole world is crashing down on you...besides just your bike. Your daddy comes and he sweeps you up and he kisses your scrape and in his arms, the world seems a little less heavy. You forget why you're crying because your daddy is there and he makes everything okay.

I didn't mean to crash my bike. I honestly just wasn't exactly getting the hang of how to ride it. I was really clumsy when it came time to distinguish my right from my left and so when daddy told me to turn left, I turned right and ended up crashing into the side of the sidewalk. I lay there bleeding under my crashed bike when I saw him running towards me. My heart was getting lighter with each step he took and I felt like my daddy was a hero coming to save me. He scooped up the bike from on top of me and then instead of throwing it aside, he threw it back down, harder...and right on me. I sat there bleeding and crying and he told me to shut up. He told me that I should've listened harder and that I shouldn't be so stupid. He walked back to the truck and I just laid there on the ground afraid to move a muscle. After what seemed like days, I lifted the bike off me with all my might, and went to apologize to my daddy. I told him I was sorry and that I'd listen better next time.

This past week God has been opening a lot of wounds. It's like every dark corner I've ever ended up in, I'm ending up there again this week. It's been mostly healing. Talking with old friends, trusting, and a whole lot of Yahweh just teaching while I listen. But there has been pain. Dark pain. Pain that I wonder why I think about or write down at all because it's in the past and I have been delivered. But I also don't want to ever forget. I don't want to forget the big one's. The moments in my childhood even where I have searched for reasoning and I have prayed to God. So I write them down sometimes. I dream about them and wake up sweating and screaming, sometimes too.

But on days like these where there is a chance for rain, and I am full, I will write about them...but I will feel okay. Because my Heavenly Father? He adores me. I know that He is telling me to turn left, but even when I turn right and I fall I know that He will lift up the bike, and He will scoop me up into His big, warm arms and whisper to me "I love you child. I am proud of you, my beloved." And that will be enough until the end of the days.

In church today we talked about being spiritually orphaned. Not ever having a mother or father who know the Lord, but how God makes it okay because He is big enough. And He made enough love to spread across nations. He made enough love for all of the widows and all of the orphans in their distress. He made enough love for the murderers, and prosecuters, and the liars like you and I are. Because of the cross, there will always be enough love.

And man...the voice of God is unmistakable. And when He asks of you something and you feel like you've nothing to give...He will meet you there. He met me there under the bike that day. He met me there countless times in my childhood and He continues to do the same, today. His love is always big enough. Always.