Thanks alot, mate.

My blogs portray so many different feelings.
I don't care.

One moment, he said. Think of one moment with you and him. The best moment. The moment everything finally made sense. Mmmmm

At the park by my house. Sitting on the dock strumming guitars. Not caring and caring more than I ever have at the same time. He tried teaching me, but I was just happy to be there. With him. That fall...last fall...seems so far back. But that was the moment, I knew.

I had a dream last night of me and my dad. It was a memory. I was 10 and he took me to this lake far away and we skipped rocks for hours. Then we went to a hotdog stand and we both got mustard all over our faces. It's one of those moments frozen in time. One of the few good ones. I woke up wanting that moment back so badly. I miss him. I never thought I'd say that because of all the anger I have against him...but I do. I miss my family. My sister. Ever since she moved out entirely, I've been in this all by myself. I went downstairs and he was there. We all ate lunch together. That was nice. I was yearning to give my dad a hug, a real one, which hasn't happened in...years. But I was too scared. Then, of course, it started. He started mocking me and making fun of me and I felt like an idiot for even having that dream. I remember why I hadn't hugged him in so long. I ran upstairs and blared Vanessa Carlton. I dunno why.

Thank you.

"I thank my God everytime I remember you."

Mmmmmm. The aroma of pumpkin and family fills the room. We hold hands and pray around the table. My mind flashes back to a year ago. Forbidden to see the people I was holding hands with. That was hard. This overwhelming feeling of grief came about me. Thinking about how lonely I was last year without my grandparents and sister. How detached I felt from God. How much space that had grown between me and my best friend. How every night I couldn't even cry myself to sleep cause of my insomnia. How somedays...I honestly didn't care about the world, or what part I played in it. I didn't care. I was selfish. And I was empty.

Flash forward 365 days. Standing around the table. My grandpa thanking God. Praying for those people today, without. I subconciously started to hold back tears and as the prayer ended, I acted like I was yawning so they wouldn't ask me why my eyes were watery.

I have so much. Compared to last year, I should be the happiest girl in the world. Compared to the families with only each other, I have too much. And I can only yearn for the kind of love those families have. I bet they love each other more than we'd ever know.

Thank you so much. Thank you for the hands I got to hold, today. Thank you for broken unity, because even if my family isn't all put back together yet, thank you for those baby steps. Thank you for my grandparent...who give more than you could even imagine, just by breathing. Thank you for my sister. Even though we get at each others throat-she is my rock. Thank you for mended friendships. For those are the people who give me so much strength to get up and run to you. Thank you for picking me up, turning me around, and setting my feet on solid ground. Hallelujah. Thank you Jesus. Such a beautiful song. Such a beautiful God.

Thank you, Yahweh.

Dutch.

I missed him so much today, that I started to cry. I curled up in my bed and grabbed his blanket he gave me. I haven't washed it even once, because I don't want his smell to go away. The traces of cologne are still absorbed into the material-so whenever I'm missing him I ball up the blanket, and press it tight against my face.

Last year was hard...and he was the reason I was so happy all the time.
I miss you more than you'll ever know. Why do we have to live worlds away?

Thursday.

"The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never forget the drops of oil on the spoon."

Today had hope for tomorrow being better.
And let me tell ya, today was good. It's the simple things. Always the simplicity.

I was fashionably late to first hour, but she didn't notice. Creative writing consisted of merely writing imagery poetry. Really freeing, actually. Lunch at TEA cafe with Josh and Emily. So good to just talk and drink tea. We were 20 minutes late, but coach Blough doesn't ever care. Mema and I picked out the plays we're seeing on Broadway in New York in February :). mmmmmm. Then mom bought me a new Northface jacket and I went to barnes and noble with Josh to find a Humorous Duet for acting. We were successful! Green Eggs and Ham by Dr Suess. It's gunna be awesome, though. Then Austin and I hung out for a bit and he bought me the new John Mayer cd! I didn't even ask for it! I jumped in his truck and he said he had something for me, and he handed me the cd! Then I got home, finished my short story for creative writing, and talking to Behnoosh for a while. I love her. And just talking to people and listening to my new cd and smelling lavender.

I could just go on forever about today. And since was supposed to just be hopeful for tomorrow's potential...tomorrow is going to be flawless. Thursdays are always so good, though. You know, I never saw that much importance for Thursdays, until Casey pointed it out. We were in English sophmore year thinking of a lunch day we should have, seeing as how I had just gotten my license. She said Thursday, because Thursdays are the best days. I asked her why and she told me because it means it's one day away from the weekend and seriously, ever since she explained all that to me-every Thursday has been way better than before. I look forward to them. It's amazing how little things like that can shape how you see things, and how you enjoy things. I now love Thursdays. Having lunch with Casey and either going to BK or ditching BK. Sometimes fellowship is good...and other times I just don't wanna have to sit through faded judgment.

I'm writing in huge blobs.

I get to see my best friend December 28th. It couldn't come any sooner. I don't really have a count down going on, but I am soooo excited to play with her and and my other friends for a whole week! Simple things.

Tomorrow is Thursday, and it's the musical. I'm excited. Only have 3 classes, then get to sit and see my friends perform for two and a half hours. Then New Moon tomorrow night! Now, I'm not even one of those pshyco obsessed girls, but I am looking forward to it.

I wish I could play the guitar.
I love folk music.
Sometimes I don't shower.
I want some tea.
Kissing John Mayer needs to happen.
I hate my room.
I love sleep but rarely do it.
Colorado.
Colorado.
Colorado.
I need it.

Simple.

"Dreams are the language og God."

Ya know......IT'S THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARE THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY.-says Paulo Coelho.

That dude is a genious.
Something in his book 'The Alchemist' really stuck out with me.

"When someone sees the same people everyday, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, they become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

Now how much does that shine through. Sigh :/

This is so scatter brained.
I'm applying at El Chico tomorrow to be a hostess. Wippe...

Sheep.

The reason I love you so much, is because of those rips.
The fact that you love me through mine, and the fact that you move through your own. I observe so much growth in you. And I think I was just hurt because you're so above it all. I don't want you to become a monster, like I am. You're too beautiful for that. We all fall short. Way too much. Even if it ache's so badly, we all displease Yahweh. But He will love us through everything. You're a great friend. The real problem lies within myself.

Your light will shine when all else fades.

I love Sundays. But something always feels off when I wake up to an empty house, realizing I hadn't gone to church this morning. I like being alone, though. It allows alot of stretching.

I blare my music to where it should hurt my ears, but doesn't. Play the piano. Loud. Hard. But it's such a release. I've gotten to the point where I don't even have to look at my fingers or focus on the notes. My hands glide from A to A to D to A to F. This harmonic sound fills the room and I feel the fullest I have in a while. Just listening to the music. Closing my eyes, and moving my foot on and off the pedal like a dance step. So carelessly, but so real.

Everlasting.

This weekend was rough. Ya know, it was also beautiful. What am I saying? Blessed, blessed, blessed weekend. But yes, kinda painful. All these different emotions all at once. Pound. Pounding. Blaring. But my music eradicates the yuckiness. Bye bye.

I can't wait for my feet to move. Colorado, or Illinois, or Africa. Rawanda. Sweet little black babies and colors and God. God is everywhere, but God is there, too. God is sooo there. And I think He wants me to be there, too. My family? I don't know what they want. I never know what they want from me. All I know is that I have to keep moving. And I have to keep looking towards the light that is Yahweh.

Mmmmmm, Yahweh.

I remember one specific day, over and over. Quiet time surrounded by mountains and the best people I know. I spread out my towel on the thick green grass by the gazeebo. I collapsed onto it setting my journal and bible next to me. I remember laying on my hands and breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth and almost weeping. I was in the most perfect moment in my life. The mountians, I promise, were ENDLESS. My best friends were absorbing the same moment, feet away. And I realized what a blessed child I was: to be sitting in this CREATION, with my SISTERS, in COLORADO. Mmmmmmm I wanna be back so bad. And I opened my bible and I opened it up to a Psalm.

"Let morning bring me word of Your unfailing love. For I have put my trust in You. Show me the way that I should go. For You lift up my soul."

I scribbled down that verse in my journal and I wrote until I thought my fingers would fall off. I wrote of love, and love, and that's all I wrote about! Nothing else came to my head except for LOVE! The LOVE I have for my sisters next to me. The LOVE for the beautiful creation, AND THE LOVE FOR YAHWEH. For my beautiful God who brought me there. I want this moment back sooo badly.

Send me a letter. Draw me a picture on a piece of notebook paper. Call me. Something. Anything. Leave a penny on my doorstep, I don't care. Send me a bible verse. I'm waiting for something. Even if it is just a call. Even if it's just a whisper of something.

It's raining outside. And today is important.

This will destroy us all.

I just got home. It's 3:27 in the morning and my stomach is in knots. But not in a fantastically speeechless way. In a realization that he will always love her.

When I'm with him it's hard not to smile. So this time, I avoided eye-contact. When we pulled up in front of some gym called optimist, we laid our seats back and he gave me his jacket to keep warm. I turn my face towards his for just one little peek and what happened was what I knew would happen. My heart stopped, my thoughts didn't make sense...and yes, I smiled.

We talk about God. He's the only guy I'm close to who I can talk about God with. He asked me about the dusty "love life". Is he that blind? I couldn't look at him when I lied about not liking anyone and thinking that dating in highschool is stupid (which I still think it is).

He showed me where he sleeps, sometimes. He grabbed my hand and ran it through his hair. I told him he needs a shower. I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss his drumming in the car and compassion about everything.

Why did I fall so hard Freshman year? Why did he have to trip over my stupid shoes...

Restlessness.

Why am I not tired at 3:43 a.m.? And why isn't this an unfamiliar question? So much is on my mind. Today was a clutter of any emotion to ever feel. But today was good. Better than yesterday. Probably will be better than tomorrow.

I just want to sleep. But I find myself closing my eyes, breathing deeply, trying to clear my head-and nothing works. Ever.

Pain has purpose.

"Mostly you realize you can handle it."

Looking at any hard situation-you don't wanna have to bear the pain. But "we were only given this life because we're strong enough to live it."

There seems to be so many logical reasons to want to eradicate all the pain that has eroded...you can't handle it, or you just don't wanna have to handle it, or you feel like you don't deserve it, or something.

Yet even pain has purpose.
Pain has purpose.

There is a time for everything. Even suffering. Jesus suffered grace is offered without a blink of an eye. Grace, suffering, love, strength, we alllllll can see this we all can feel this.

Grace.

I take it for granted. How selfish. How blind.
How ignorant.

Why am I so easily hurt by people? Why do I focus so much on my relationships with earthly people, rather than God? Cause I know in my heart-if I put this much energy into my relationship with my heavenly father--then all of my other relationships would reflect Him.

I'll blame it on my vision. I got glasses yesterday, so now I have no excuse.

I'm here, Daddy. Sorry it took me so long.

AMEN.

There is a time for everything. A time to tear and a time to mend. Mend. There's a time to mend.