To my knees.

The past couple days have been hazy. Too much has happened and I feel satan pressing on my shoulders-and I'm trying to look to God to push him off.

Though making the hazy days none-existant by walking through substance sounds amazing...I will refrain. I will refrain because that only hurts me more in the long run. But mostly I will refrain because I know that Yahweh doesn't like that. He wants the best for me...which isn't drunken nights or numbing bones. It is an everyday struggle though. Like tomorrow.

Tomorrow will I have a home? Will I have enough money to eat, or do I have to keep burdening my friends for their dorm room easy mac. Will I have to sleep in my car tomorrow night-or will someone come to my rescue like they have the past 2 nights. I just feel so dang lost.

I miss my mom. I miss her because I feel that she's not there. I miss her because I'm starting to figure out who she is. She's weak. She's one of the least strongest people I know because throughout my entire life she's allowed him to inflict pain on me. Pain that has stuck with me even now as I'm typing this blog. Pain that I still see in my nightmares, and still feel when he's around me. I feel the most unsafe when I'm around my father.

I have the most amazing friends in the world. I am so thankful for their strength. For their hands that are holding me and their hearts that are leading me to God. Because above everything I know that I need Him. I have been praying really hard, lately. To my knees and everything. I'm just so scared for tomorrow.

Realizations.

"God's got your back"

What a simple phrase. When my friend said this to me tonight, something clicked. I've heard that sentence before...a million times over. But something about it jogged my memory.

HELLO. So maybe I'm temporarily homeless...maybe I feel empty, abandoned, alone, lost, sad...but as long as there are stars in the sky and as long as I am alive-God's got my back.

Man this hurts, though.

Save me.

We only bring out the worst in each other...mom and I. When things are good-we convince ourselves that this is permanent. That our life isn't a jumbled up mess, that my father has never been an abusive alcoholic, that my sister would give her life for us, and that we are best friends. That this feeling...this momentary time where we feel good...will last forever.

Then important things happen. More than just dinner and conversation. Things that she thinks I'm not serious about. She says she's supportive. I really think she's supportive. I feel like I'm flying. I feel so fresh and for more than a moment I really feel utterly REAL. This feels real. I'm passionate. She sees that...she doesn't like it. She doesn't want to risk losing those few good moments where we feel unstoppable...she fears losing me just like she lost my sister...like we all lost her.

I thought this year of serving would fix me. I thought it would heal me from the pain I've inflicted on myself, I thought it would save me from my own suffocation. But just like that...my passion is just an unimportant detail in my mother's life. Harsh? Well yeah.

This hurts, ya know...I'm trying to make sense of this. Remind myself that this IS God's will. That He has an incredible plan for me, for my year, for my future...but then I just get caught in these bad moments...they happen so quickly; easily. Like tonight...I bolted. Just now got home-and I left around 6:00...I hate living here...it's a constant reminder that I didn't get out. The years I spent suffering under this roof...the only promising thing that got me through..was that I would be able to leave one day...go to college...get away from this all.

Yet here I am...18 years old...living a lie that I am happy...when truly and deeply...I'm in a pretty bad place. Lord hold me up.

I feel really far away from you.

I'll never reach my limits.

Sometimes extraordinary things happen. It's raining so hard and you're okay with that because it means you don't have to cry as hard, because the world is crying for you. Or feeling, seeing, and breathing recovery. Healing, in general. I'm telling ya...sometimes extraordinary things happen.

And some days are ordinary. Like yesterday when I woke up, and did my normal routine. It was ordinary. I got on the computer, and that was usual too, of course. In my mini feed on facebook pops "Gap Year" from my camp director and I felt my heart stop. I clicked on the link and started to read about this beautiful journey. I started crying. Weeping. I called my mom and I told her that I felt CALLED to it more than I've ever felt anything in my life. She told me it wasn't probable...

I mean she was right. I paid for school in full last week...I'm getting a new car next week...and I start class in 2 weeks. But I couldn't not try. I called my grandpa and as much as I thought I could keep it together...I started to fall apart again. I have never wanted anything so much. And he told me something that I wasn't prepared to hear. He told me that if God wanted it to happen...then He would allow for it. I had to hold the phone away from me as I literally fell to my knees. I have never felt so much joy in my life. I had such an encounter with God and once I got off the phone with my grandpa I prayed the hardest I've ever prayed in my life.

Then I e-mailed the director of gap year and tolded him I wanted in. He got back to me in a surprising 2 hours and said they had a last minute spot for me. My prayers have been being answered more phenomenally than I could have ever hoped for. I printed everything out this morning and I'm going to my grandpa's office tonight to talk about it.

September-November we are doing Urban ministries. Alot of internships and I'm so ready for it. Then we have Thanksgiving break and then the first 10 days of December we're going to South America to Peru to Hike up Machu Pechu. We get to end the semester surrounded by beauty that I could never even imagine. Then we have Christmas break and leave January 3rd for Rawanda for 2 months. We get to go on a 5 day rafting trip down the Nile river in Uganda. We also get to go on a gorilla tour and hike up Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania. Then we go to Southeast Asia for 2 months in the Phillipines. We get to help start a camp there. We come back to the U.S. on April 30 and by then I know my heart will be so changed by the Lord. And it makes me cry at the thought of growth I'm about to expirience. I'm praying with every breath that this will be made possible...and with God...anything is. I'll never reach my limits.

A clear calling.

I mean it really just hit me during the middle of the day. I told her I wished I was doing Gap Year with all my heart and everything just kind of happened from there. I mentioned it to my mom...Maggie and I talked on the phone about it, I called my grandpa...it involved alot of hysteria because I just kind of lost it. There was so much passion that was overflooding me. The timing seemed wrong, I was scared at this new thought, and I just knew it wasn't probable. But my grandpa understood. He made it seem like it WAS probable. I e-mailed Luke and he sent me the application. I'm already halfway through with filling it out. There's been so many prayers today. I literally fell on my knees and touched the ground.

What an answer to my prayers. I am speechless beyond that.

Veritas.

On one of the last nights of kamp the Summit kabins (oldest girl and guy kabins in kamp) lead a worship expirience called Veritas. There's alot of music, alot of stories, and alot of crying. God is always so very evident in this one lasting night. 4 people gave their testimonies-me being one of the 4. I have never felt so terrified in my entire life. Well I have...but this was different.

I remember the night before I asked Brittney, my counselor, to talk to me after devotions. We sat outside beneath her sleeping bag and I told her a little bit about my story. Then the next day we just chilled and prepared our hearts with ALOT of prayer. I have never felt so lifted...so surrounded by God's presence. But nonetheless, I was still scared. I had hardly been able to share my story with the people CLOSEST to me, how was I supposed to tell the entire kamp of over 200 people?

Our counselors took us out to the sundeck to pray in silence for a while and just watch the sun go down and hear the river run...and I realized that God was going to use me that night. I had never felt more compelled to do anything in my whole life. Right before worship began and we let the kamp into the auditorium, Brittney came up to me and asked if I wanted her to pray over me, and after an enthusiastic PLEASE from me, she did. I could feel my sisters catching on to the fact that I was so anxious, and the flood of hugs helped keep me together. I love talking in front of people...but when it's about me it becomes so much more intimate...and I feel like I'm exposing a part of me that no one should know. And right as I was about to break Maggie grabs my hand and takes me aside and holds on to me and prays her heart out. While she was praying I felt someone else come and lay their hand on me...then another...and another...and by the end of the prayer my eyes were soggy, but I knew Yahweh was so ready for a revival. To wake these people up. To wake ME up.

I practically squeezed Jordan's hand off but when I went up there to share with hundreds of strangers the most raw part about me...I didn't even have to think. I don't remember a word that came out of my mouth but I remember seeing smiles, hearing laughs, and watching tears drip down peoples faces. I stepped off the stairs and I instantly felt arms around me. We got to our next destination in the gazeebo and Brittney said "Kels, you were beyond amazing" and right as I was about to respond, I remembered that I didn't remember one word of what I said...but that I had never felt lighter...Brittney said "praise God...now THAT'S a sign that God spoke through you...USED you."

Then after the girls heard some talk on relationships...we went back to the auditorium. We watched the most brutal scene of Passion of the Christ where they were nailing into His hands...Shelby sunk her nails into my knee and I grabbed her arm. Then I felt a rush of involuntary tears running hot down my face. I had never seen that...never fathomed anything near it...what Christ did for us...what He does for us everyday...anything pointless I do makes my stomach crawl because every breath of His was meaningful....

When Andy got finished talking we all walked to the cross. Luke started talking, and Scott started singing and Amy was the closest person in sight. We seemed to simultaneously grab onto each other. I remembered all she'd been through with her allergies, diseases, and the brain tumor she's been fighting for almost a year now. It made me hug her even closer and whisper in her ear

"You're the strongest person I've ever met."

...and she said

"And you mine"

...right back in my ear....

My jaw dropped and I felt hysteria leave my lungs. This person whom I'd grown to adore, this person who has been through hell and back, this person fighting cancer and God knows what else was telling ME that I was the strongest person she'd met? I couldn't believe it...I couldn't breathe. I think she caught on. She then said

"You are such an amazing person. God is going to use you in so many ways, you know that?"

And while I'd felt so broken before...I felt whole at the cross.

Beautiful Understanding.

This morning I woke up and I wasn't at kamp. That was a tough realization. I went for a morning horseback ride in the mountains and soaked up the perfection of God's creation. Then I spent the rest of the day shopping and eating. Maggie and are coincidently staying in the sane hotel and we met up with some staff from camp at the best coffee place in the world; ie: Durango Joe's. We had the best conversation and then Gretchen, the video girl from our term, took us back to the hotel and me, her, and Maggie laughed hysterically by the fireplace. Then Gretchen left and Maggs and I talked for a while...and I realized I finally understood.

I finally understood what it felt like to truly and deeply forgive someone. Maggie and I are in such a good place and I feel God completely in control of everything. There were so many times during kamp when we would just pray for each other. Hold on tight and just say the words outloud. I felt like I had finally received the sister I'd always longed for. God is in our friendship now and I feel his presence so much. It's enlightening.

I have never really cried before leaving kamp. It's always been hard-but this time the goodbyes were harder than ever. My counselors and I were hugging in a circle and when Hutton started to pray I felt my body collapse and Brittney holding up the world for me. It was too heavy at that moment. Full of tears...but also full of God. I am so full that even eating seems like gluttony.

I'm not at kamp...yet I'm not quite back in the real world yet, either. I know it will be hard to be back home...but I'm praying harder than ever.