Earlier this week, my friends Josh and Jade were acting extremely sketchy. Jade lives in Florida, and Josh lives here-but, they were both keeping something from me...and I could tell.
Wednseday night, Josh asked me to go to dinner after rehearsal. After we ate-he had the idea to drive by Jade's house for old times sake-and I had the idea to go in and catch up with her parents. (Which totally isn't weird, we know them well). So we're in their living room just chatting-and Jade walks in! That's why they had been acting strange, so they could surprise me! I hadn't seen her since the beginning of July and out of nowhere my best friend walks through her kitchen, and all I could do was cry tears of joy. You can imagine my excitement. My previous blog talked about how much I miss Jade-how blessed am I that I got to spend the last 4 days with her.
I'm tellin' ya, my God provides.
I make alot of mistakes. I'm so far away from being the awesome woman of God that I should be. I have so much more to go. And this morning, on top of being rejuvenated because of Jade's visit, I was filled up with some random exhuberant joy!
This morning's service was superb. Clark, the pastor, talked about how our lives as followers of God should look differently than those who don't know Him. God wants us to live differently and be intentional. I got a huge smashing pain of guilt. When people see me bouncing through the halls at school-can they tell that I am living my life all for Jesus? Probably not. And you know why? Because I'm not. Why am I not wearing hot pink to a funeral? What I mean, is why am I so afraid of being different? Jesus was different. And yes, he was nailed to the cross, but he lived a different life. He was perfect. He was loving. He was intentional in every way you could be.
Attitude is a choice that we make. We can blame our 'attitude' on our circumstances, but really, we are the one's in control of it. Not uncontrollable events. As soon as you change your attitude-God will move you forward. And today, I was moved.
I'm graduating in 8 months. I have no idea where I want to go, or what I want to do. My ACT scores are awful and my GPA is below average. All of my friends have this plan mapped out-and I'm scared. But the more I think and pray about it-the more sure I'm becoming. Next year, I'm going to join a gap year program. Either through the camp I attend (camp Kivu), or through Wheaton, or another organization. Some are accredited, which is ideal. I just need to leap. I need a year to find myself, I need a year to serve. Missioning for a year, or just going on missions, and learning who God wants me to be, and who God created me to be-is what I'm going to do. Staying here and going to a community college was what I was going to have to do. And there's everything perfectly fine about that-but I need some new scenary. I need to be brought to my knees in any way I can. I need the bottom to drop out more, and I need to be completely and totally driven to live differently. I'm praying so much for this gap year. Or some opportunity to serve come next fall of 2010.
Newness is a refreshing feeling I am praying for. I love my friends and I love my family and I love my God. But I am disappointing everyone, including myself. I need to find myself. I need to eradicate all of this sin and this guilt. I need to live differently. I need to be intentional.
Things become so hard. At points I feel like no one is really here. At points, all I want to do is to scream so loud that even the angels in heaven can hear me. And sometimes I feel like God isn't listening so I hope the angels relay the message to Him. But then I rub my eyes open, and realize He's right with me. He never left. And He never, ever, will think about doing so. I don't deserve this love. But I have it unconditionally.
Why do I feel lonely, when I have a constant daddy holding me.
Why do I feel empty, when I have Jesus in my heart.
Why do I feel blind, when there's so much grace surrounding me.
Why, why, why, why, why, am I not living fully.
Kels, you gotta step it up.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
We sing to say something.
It's 1:16. Just I thought I'd familiarize ya with the time. The ime it usually says my blogs are posted, are usually always incorrect.
My mind is fading into last year...
I miss Jade. How she was the only person in Norman who understood me and didn't judge me at all. I miss performing with her, being her sister, and her holding me when I found out about the cancer. I miss acting with her. I miss the weird way she complimented me, that somehow always seemed to make me feel better about myself. I miss her hugs. How we would hold hands before we would perform and squeeze tight during the award ceremonies. I miss hearing "first place DD Webb and Verrill" and skipping up to get our trophies with tears in our eyes because we worked so hard and loved each other, all the while. I miss how she put me in my place whenever I was out of line. I miss having a best friend close. She's like...my sister.
Summer went by too fast. Hawaii was beautiful and seemed so far back...the countless trips to Misourri never got old, and the good conversation I had with my grandpa for hours. I miss Colorado, and the mountains, and my friends, and the bubble. God, I miss Maggie. How annoyed she'd get because of my restlessness. I'd always shake the bunk. How I almost killed her going down the river, and how she got a nose bleed. I miss our late night talks when I'd crawl in her bed as she tried to kick me out, and we ended up laughing till our stomach hurt...I need to appreciate quality time more.
It's not even softball season, but I can't tell you how much I MISS playing more than ANYTHING. And this was my year to start on varsity...but I had to quit for acting. So hard, though. I miss my constant bloody knees and dirt under my finger nails.
I miss our zero hour chats sophmore year, just as much as Casey. I miss talking about God and it never getting old or redudant.
There's so much to say...but my fingers are getting tired. I hope I didn't make too many spelling errors...I'm writing this via phone. My cousin said she was depresses, today. I told her to look at the bigger picture. Depression (without being medically treated) is usually just a circumstance. Tomorrows a new day.
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Amen.
My mind is fading into last year...
I miss Jade. How she was the only person in Norman who understood me and didn't judge me at all. I miss performing with her, being her sister, and her holding me when I found out about the cancer. I miss acting with her. I miss the weird way she complimented me, that somehow always seemed to make me feel better about myself. I miss her hugs. How we would hold hands before we would perform and squeeze tight during the award ceremonies. I miss hearing "first place DD Webb and Verrill" and skipping up to get our trophies with tears in our eyes because we worked so hard and loved each other, all the while. I miss how she put me in my place whenever I was out of line. I miss having a best friend close. She's like...my sister.
Summer went by too fast. Hawaii was beautiful and seemed so far back...the countless trips to Misourri never got old, and the good conversation I had with my grandpa for hours. I miss Colorado, and the mountains, and my friends, and the bubble. God, I miss Maggie. How annoyed she'd get because of my restlessness. I'd always shake the bunk. How I almost killed her going down the river, and how she got a nose bleed. I miss our late night talks when I'd crawl in her bed as she tried to kick me out, and we ended up laughing till our stomach hurt...I need to appreciate quality time more.
It's not even softball season, but I can't tell you how much I MISS playing more than ANYTHING. And this was my year to start on varsity...but I had to quit for acting. So hard, though. I miss my constant bloody knees and dirt under my finger nails.
I miss our zero hour chats sophmore year, just as much as Casey. I miss talking about God and it never getting old or redudant.
There's so much to say...but my fingers are getting tired. I hope I didn't make too many spelling errors...I'm writing this via phone. My cousin said she was depresses, today. I told her to look at the bigger picture. Depression (without being medically treated) is usually just a circumstance. Tomorrows a new day.
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Amen.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I'm not perfect, just forgiven.
Goose bumps form whenever I think about last night. Only 24 hours ago, when I felt the most peace I've felt..in a really long while.
The three of us went to the river. It was late at night and about a 25 minute walk to get there. We filled the silence with humming and constant stops so he could pick the stickers out of his feet. Silly boy to go barefoot. We finally got there and the sand felt so good sifting between my toes. I took off my shoes and walked across the stream. If you stood in the damp sand too long it swept your feet under like quicksand. I miss it there. The solidarity and the simpleness of it being an ordinary river, but a phenomenon at the same time. It wasn't supernaturally beautiful. It just brought me so much peace.
We hopped through vegetation to find the perfect spot near the river. We passed a patch of daisies and I snapped one off and stuck it in one of the holes in my knot hat. The boy said it looked like it belonged there. :) I felt happy. We reached the river and I sat sandwhiched in between my best friend, and the silly boy with no shoes. It felt right to be where I was. Alot of times we'd just sit in silence, and other times someone would say something profound or irrelevant. Jokes here and there. But we just were appreciating everything. The silly boy has the most beautiful smile in the world. He told me I have some of the biggest dimples he's ever seen. My best friend drew someones name in the sand. A girl he will always love, but will never voice it. Silly boy taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I see the crane in the water. I do. It's a beautiful crane. I can't even see it's distinction but everythings beautiful at the river.
I felt so safe. Cold...but safe. I covered my feet up in sand while silly sticker boy tells us his views on life. And how we are far too young too know what true pain is. And that we can never say that we have nothing...we live in America, we always have something. What a beautiful soul. If only he knew...
Todays message in church was about our life story. And how we shouldn't let circumstances or people or events drive our life. God, God, God, you never cease to amaze the crap outta me.
The three of us went to the river. It was late at night and about a 25 minute walk to get there. We filled the silence with humming and constant stops so he could pick the stickers out of his feet. Silly boy to go barefoot. We finally got there and the sand felt so good sifting between my toes. I took off my shoes and walked across the stream. If you stood in the damp sand too long it swept your feet under like quicksand. I miss it there. The solidarity and the simpleness of it being an ordinary river, but a phenomenon at the same time. It wasn't supernaturally beautiful. It just brought me so much peace.
We hopped through vegetation to find the perfect spot near the river. We passed a patch of daisies and I snapped one off and stuck it in one of the holes in my knot hat. The boy said it looked like it belonged there. :) I felt happy. We reached the river and I sat sandwhiched in between my best friend, and the silly boy with no shoes. It felt right to be where I was. Alot of times we'd just sit in silence, and other times someone would say something profound or irrelevant. Jokes here and there. But we just were appreciating everything. The silly boy has the most beautiful smile in the world. He told me I have some of the biggest dimples he's ever seen. My best friend drew someones name in the sand. A girl he will always love, but will never voice it. Silly boy taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I see the crane in the water. I do. It's a beautiful crane. I can't even see it's distinction but everythings beautiful at the river.
I felt so safe. Cold...but safe. I covered my feet up in sand while silly sticker boy tells us his views on life. And how we are far too young too know what true pain is. And that we can never say that we have nothing...we live in America, we always have something. What a beautiful soul. If only he knew...
Todays message in church was about our life story. And how we shouldn't let circumstances or people or events drive our life. God, God, God, you never cease to amaze the crap outta me.
A sticky good energy.
I wanna write a book, but none of it would make sense. It would be random and emotional and draining. But I wanna do it. I don't know what it'll be about. Maybe my life, my lack of breakfast, or my love for anything weird and colorful.
I hate my room. It's the epitomy of me, as an 8th grader. Had barely any friends, though I was so hungry for attention...my walls are hot pink and lime green. I'm starting construction next weekend. Doing a little fung-chua and painting over these God-aweful walls. Chalkboard paint on one wall. So I can just scratch down my feelings whenever I want. One wall white, and I'm going to wrote quotes and draw random things on there...don't entirely have my vision, for that. And the other walls just really chill colors. I don't know why I'm writing about this.
I hate my room. It's the epitomy of me, as an 8th grader. Had barely any friends, though I was so hungry for attention...my walls are hot pink and lime green. I'm starting construction next weekend. Doing a little fung-chua and painting over these God-aweful walls. Chalkboard paint on one wall. So I can just scratch down my feelings whenever I want. One wall white, and I'm going to wrote quotes and draw random things on there...don't entirely have my vision, for that. And the other walls just really chill colors. I don't know why I'm writing about this.
Monday, September 14, 2009
God tripped me.
God always has a funny ways of showing me things.
The other day I added a little bit of energy into getting ready. As I come walking out of my last hour, I see my ex-boyfriends, current girlfriend. She gives me the death glare, so I just decide to flaunt it. I don't even know what I had to flaunt, but I bounced down that hallway with all the confidence in the world, tossing my hair from my face, and simply giving this girl a smirk as I glide past. I feel her hot glare on me on me, but it's no sweat. So as I continue the long stretch of the hallway, thinking in my head-"boy did I give her a run for her money!"...I fell. And not just an 'oh hey I tripped' kind of thing. An obvious 'oh look at that girl who just fell!' type of thing. It was awesome. God tripped me.
Does that ever happen to you? You're going about your daily routine, and God trips you? Not necessariy what happened with me, but just a glitch in daily life, ya know...an abnormality. Things could be going peachy and all of a sudden your pants rip or you spill coffee all over your white v-neck. It happens to the best of us. And although some might be bad luck, I believe it could be so much more than that.
Maybe 'The Big Guy' is trying to get through to us? Maybe God was telling me to just..be me. Be myself. Don't try and be better than anyone else, because you'll end up falling face forward into the hallways as that mean-spirited Junior girl walks past you giving you a threatening look...BUT ANYWAY...not bitter...just having an epiphany!
I have an absolutely hands down awesome and blessed life. I say this with a hardened heart because life hasn't been easy, and it isn't easy now. But there are these rare and defining moments when I pluck upen my eyes late at night and review the day. Review the week, the month, the year, my life. It could be so much worse. It could be so much more difficult. I have a mother and a father, and even though my dad isn't a superhero and my mom and I don't see eye-to-eye...atleast I have them. Atleast I can say that I have a mother and a father and even if that love isn't so evident in our relationship...atleast I have that opportunity, that others don't.
I don't deserve my friends. They are too good for me, and I do not deserve one bit of their friendship. One second of their time. They are incredible. I have 5 people who would stand by me through fire, and two people who I trust completely. Two. That's it. I am an extrovert. I talk and I share my thoughts and feelings with people (probably far too much). But only two people that I fully put my trust in and only two people who understand me most. God has been too good to me, and they have been too good to me. I have a short fuse. The smallest things eat at me and I always feel the need to address them, or the hole just gets bigger and bigger. Yet something I learned tonight is that...I'd rather have a large hole in me...than to be disconnected or hurt the people who I don't deserve anyway.
What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don't take me for granet. HA!
I take alot of things for granted. Coffee. It's beautiful and wakes me up. Rainy days. They allow me to breathe and relax. Acting. It helps me forget about my momentary troubles to create a whole new world. God. He's my rescue from everything.
I need to eradicate all of these silly struggles I seem to create. I fill my head with the most abstract things, only to empty it upon capture of something unique and distinguishable. Ugh. Just when I'm getting to the good part. I could type it out...but my mind is like mush...and I'm not even tired. 12:30 to me is like 8:30 to you. Way too early to even contemplate sleep. And if you try and lay down, you know it'll be pointless. However, I'm going to go lay down now...to think about my day. This week, this month, this year. My life. And hopefully I'll fall asleep hopeful, and hopefully I'll wake up feelin' optimistic. I love my family. And I love my friends. And God has awesome ways of tripping me.
The other day I added a little bit of energy into getting ready. As I come walking out of my last hour, I see my ex-boyfriends, current girlfriend. She gives me the death glare, so I just decide to flaunt it. I don't even know what I had to flaunt, but I bounced down that hallway with all the confidence in the world, tossing my hair from my face, and simply giving this girl a smirk as I glide past. I feel her hot glare on me on me, but it's no sweat. So as I continue the long stretch of the hallway, thinking in my head-"boy did I give her a run for her money!"...I fell. And not just an 'oh hey I tripped' kind of thing. An obvious 'oh look at that girl who just fell!' type of thing. It was awesome. God tripped me.
Does that ever happen to you? You're going about your daily routine, and God trips you? Not necessariy what happened with me, but just a glitch in daily life, ya know...an abnormality. Things could be going peachy and all of a sudden your pants rip or you spill coffee all over your white v-neck. It happens to the best of us. And although some might be bad luck, I believe it could be so much more than that.
Maybe 'The Big Guy' is trying to get through to us? Maybe God was telling me to just..be me. Be myself. Don't try and be better than anyone else, because you'll end up falling face forward into the hallways as that mean-spirited Junior girl walks past you giving you a threatening look...BUT ANYWAY...not bitter...just having an epiphany!
I have an absolutely hands down awesome and blessed life. I say this with a hardened heart because life hasn't been easy, and it isn't easy now. But there are these rare and defining moments when I pluck upen my eyes late at night and review the day. Review the week, the month, the year, my life. It could be so much worse. It could be so much more difficult. I have a mother and a father, and even though my dad isn't a superhero and my mom and I don't see eye-to-eye...atleast I have them. Atleast I can say that I have a mother and a father and even if that love isn't so evident in our relationship...atleast I have that opportunity, that others don't.
I don't deserve my friends. They are too good for me, and I do not deserve one bit of their friendship. One second of their time. They are incredible. I have 5 people who would stand by me through fire, and two people who I trust completely. Two. That's it. I am an extrovert. I talk and I share my thoughts and feelings with people (probably far too much). But only two people that I fully put my trust in and only two people who understand me most. God has been too good to me, and they have been too good to me. I have a short fuse. The smallest things eat at me and I always feel the need to address them, or the hole just gets bigger and bigger. Yet something I learned tonight is that...I'd rather have a large hole in me...than to be disconnected or hurt the people who I don't deserve anyway.
What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don't take me for granet. HA!
I take alot of things for granted. Coffee. It's beautiful and wakes me up. Rainy days. They allow me to breathe and relax. Acting. It helps me forget about my momentary troubles to create a whole new world. God. He's my rescue from everything.
I need to eradicate all of these silly struggles I seem to create. I fill my head with the most abstract things, only to empty it upon capture of something unique and distinguishable. Ugh. Just when I'm getting to the good part. I could type it out...but my mind is like mush...and I'm not even tired. 12:30 to me is like 8:30 to you. Way too early to even contemplate sleep. And if you try and lay down, you know it'll be pointless. However, I'm going to go lay down now...to think about my day. This week, this month, this year. My life. And hopefully I'll fall asleep hopeful, and hopefully I'll wake up feelin' optimistic. I love my family. And I love my friends. And God has awesome ways of tripping me.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Everything will be fine.
All I can smell is my lavender insence, telling me everything will be fine.
I'm trying to piece together my insecurites. Trying to figure out just why my hair swoops a certain way, and why I like my room so cold. Why is it that I love bracelets, skirts, and my TOMS as if they were attached to my skin. Why can I sing with my mouth closed and have the 10 year discipline to read music and play piano. Why do I breathe, why do I live, why is my name Kelsey?
Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.BEEP BEEP BEEP. and I'm awake. After a restless night of not sleeping, I am awake and totally not ready for the day. This was this morning. It's now 10:30 at night and I cringe at the realization of not being tired. The knowing that I probably won't be for another good 4 hours. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3ish. Sometimes I'm lucky, though.
Night before last I went to sleep early, because I wasn't feeling well. My good friend called me at about 2 in the morning, a time I'd usually be up. I called him back last night to see what was up...and he said he just wanted to talk. I miss him. Probably more than he'll ever know. And probably because I'm so in like with him that sometimes it's hard not to just yell it at the top of my lungs.
I'm writing and playing the music for our one-act play, Othello. My best friend is Othello, the big black main character...and Josh is amazing at it. He deserves it. And although writing all the music and rockin the keyboard is an honor, I miss communicating with the audience on a more verbal level. People don't really pay attention to the background music, anyway. But oh well.
Alot of times when I catch myself not thinking, I get so scared. So I drive and drive and drive all by myself until I can shake this feeling of desperation and disaster. Sometimes it works, but sometimes I run in the house only to want to smash my head into the wall. I stop myself, though. It was hard enough explaining the fist sized hole in my closet door.
I'm not an angry person. I just get angry. And I hardly ever show it around people, but then I explode. And whenever you think of explosions...you know they're never a good thing. I pray and pray and pray some more.
Everything will be fine.
I'm trying to piece together my insecurites. Trying to figure out just why my hair swoops a certain way, and why I like my room so cold. Why is it that I love bracelets, skirts, and my TOMS as if they were attached to my skin. Why can I sing with my mouth closed and have the 10 year discipline to read music and play piano. Why do I breathe, why do I live, why is my name Kelsey?
Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.BEEP BEEP BEEP. and I'm awake. After a restless night of not sleeping, I am awake and totally not ready for the day. This was this morning. It's now 10:30 at night and I cringe at the realization of not being tired. The knowing that I probably won't be for another good 4 hours. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3ish. Sometimes I'm lucky, though.
Night before last I went to sleep early, because I wasn't feeling well. My good friend called me at about 2 in the morning, a time I'd usually be up. I called him back last night to see what was up...and he said he just wanted to talk. I miss him. Probably more than he'll ever know. And probably because I'm so in like with him that sometimes it's hard not to just yell it at the top of my lungs.
I'm writing and playing the music for our one-act play, Othello. My best friend is Othello, the big black main character...and Josh is amazing at it. He deserves it. And although writing all the music and rockin the keyboard is an honor, I miss communicating with the audience on a more verbal level. People don't really pay attention to the background music, anyway. But oh well.
Alot of times when I catch myself not thinking, I get so scared. So I drive and drive and drive all by myself until I can shake this feeling of desperation and disaster. Sometimes it works, but sometimes I run in the house only to want to smash my head into the wall. I stop myself, though. It was hard enough explaining the fist sized hole in my closet door.
I'm not an angry person. I just get angry. And I hardly ever show it around people, but then I explode. And whenever you think of explosions...you know they're never a good thing. I pray and pray and pray some more.
Everything will be fine.
Friday, September 4, 2009
You're everything.
I don't know if I can do this, anymore.
I mess up, more than I make anyone proud.
Something pushes me down, everytime I try to jump up.
It's impossible.
Pound. Pound. Pound. Says my head and heartbeat, trying to keep up. I don't know if I can do this. The people I love most in life, where are you? The people who love me, I can't see any of you. Are you still there? My God. Pops. Can we talk? Or you can talk and I'll listen. Please speak loud. It's hard to hear anything past this constant pound.
I'll be standing in the middle of Nordstroms, and get this wave of something. Something that clenches shut my mouth and makes my eyes all glassy and my palms sticky. I want to be anywhere except for where I am. I can't fall victim to this feeling. But I do.
All that is resounding in my head is the words of someone who's supposed to love me, asking, "why are you so stupid?!" and it's like a broken record playing in my head, and I can't shake it away.
I look in the mirror. I don't wanna look in the mirror anymore. I look at my family. They don't wanna look at me anymore. I turn around to look at my friends...but they're gone. My God, you're the only one left. I'm listening.
I mess up, more than I make anyone proud.
Something pushes me down, everytime I try to jump up.
It's impossible.
Pound. Pound. Pound. Says my head and heartbeat, trying to keep up. I don't know if I can do this. The people I love most in life, where are you? The people who love me, I can't see any of you. Are you still there? My God. Pops. Can we talk? Or you can talk and I'll listen. Please speak loud. It's hard to hear anything past this constant pound.
I'll be standing in the middle of Nordstroms, and get this wave of something. Something that clenches shut my mouth and makes my eyes all glassy and my palms sticky. I want to be anywhere except for where I am. I can't fall victim to this feeling. But I do.
All that is resounding in my head is the words of someone who's supposed to love me, asking, "why are you so stupid?!" and it's like a broken record playing in my head, and I can't shake it away.
I look in the mirror. I don't wanna look in the mirror anymore. I look at my family. They don't wanna look at me anymore. I turn around to look at my friends...but they're gone. My God, you're the only one left. I'm listening.
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