Earlier this week, my friends Josh and Jade were acting extremely sketchy. Jade lives in Florida, and Josh lives here-but, they were both keeping something from me...and I could tell.
Wednseday night, Josh asked me to go to dinner after rehearsal. After we ate-he had the idea to drive by Jade's house for old times sake-and I had the idea to go in and catch up with her parents. (Which totally isn't weird, we know them well). So we're in their living room just chatting-and Jade walks in! That's why they had been acting strange, so they could surprise me! I hadn't seen her since the beginning of July and out of nowhere my best friend walks through her kitchen, and all I could do was cry tears of joy. You can imagine my excitement. My previous blog talked about how much I miss Jade-how blessed am I that I got to spend the last 4 days with her.
I'm tellin' ya, my God provides.
I make alot of mistakes. I'm so far away from being the awesome woman of God that I should be. I have so much more to go. And this morning, on top of being rejuvenated because of Jade's visit, I was filled up with some random exhuberant joy!
This morning's service was superb. Clark, the pastor, talked about how our lives as followers of God should look differently than those who don't know Him. God wants us to live differently and be intentional. I got a huge smashing pain of guilt. When people see me bouncing through the halls at school-can they tell that I am living my life all for Jesus? Probably not. And you know why? Because I'm not. Why am I not wearing hot pink to a funeral? What I mean, is why am I so afraid of being different? Jesus was different. And yes, he was nailed to the cross, but he lived a different life. He was perfect. He was loving. He was intentional in every way you could be.
Attitude is a choice that we make. We can blame our 'attitude' on our circumstances, but really, we are the one's in control of it. Not uncontrollable events. As soon as you change your attitude-God will move you forward. And today, I was moved.
I'm graduating in 8 months. I have no idea where I want to go, or what I want to do. My ACT scores are awful and my GPA is below average. All of my friends have this plan mapped out-and I'm scared. But the more I think and pray about it-the more sure I'm becoming. Next year, I'm going to join a gap year program. Either through the camp I attend (camp Kivu), or through Wheaton, or another organization. Some are accredited, which is ideal. I just need to leap. I need a year to find myself, I need a year to serve. Missioning for a year, or just going on missions, and learning who God wants me to be, and who God created me to be-is what I'm going to do. Staying here and going to a community college was what I was going to have to do. And there's everything perfectly fine about that-but I need some new scenary. I need to be brought to my knees in any way I can. I need the bottom to drop out more, and I need to be completely and totally driven to live differently. I'm praying so much for this gap year. Or some opportunity to serve come next fall of 2010.
Newness is a refreshing feeling I am praying for. I love my friends and I love my family and I love my God. But I am disappointing everyone, including myself. I need to find myself. I need to eradicate all of this sin and this guilt. I need to live differently. I need to be intentional.
Things become so hard. At points I feel like no one is really here. At points, all I want to do is to scream so loud that even the angels in heaven can hear me. And sometimes I feel like God isn't listening so I hope the angels relay the message to Him. But then I rub my eyes open, and realize He's right with me. He never left. And He never, ever, will think about doing so. I don't deserve this love. But I have it unconditionally.
Why do I feel lonely, when I have a constant daddy holding me.
Why do I feel empty, when I have Jesus in my heart.
Why do I feel blind, when there's so much grace surrounding me.
Why, why, why, why, why, am I not living fully.
Kels, you gotta step it up.
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