Everything will be fine.

All I can smell is my lavender insence, telling me everything will be fine.

I'm trying to piece together my insecurites. Trying to figure out just why my hair swoops a certain way, and why I like my room so cold. Why is it that I love bracelets, skirts, and my TOMS as if they were attached to my skin. Why can I sing with my mouth closed and have the 10 year discipline to read music and play piano. Why do I breathe, why do I live, why is my name Kelsey?

Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.BEEP BEEP BEEP. and I'm awake. After a restless night of not sleeping, I am awake and totally not ready for the day. This was this morning. It's now 10:30 at night and I cringe at the realization of not being tired. The knowing that I probably won't be for another good 4 hours. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3ish. Sometimes I'm lucky, though.

Night before last I went to sleep early, because I wasn't feeling well. My good friend called me at about 2 in the morning, a time I'd usually be up. I called him back last night to see what was up...and he said he just wanted to talk. I miss him. Probably more than he'll ever know. And probably because I'm so in like with him that sometimes it's hard not to just yell it at the top of my lungs.

I'm writing and playing the music for our one-act play, Othello. My best friend is Othello, the big black main character...and Josh is amazing at it. He deserves it. And although writing all the music and rockin the keyboard is an honor, I miss communicating with the audience on a more verbal level. People don't really pay attention to the background music, anyway. But oh well.

Alot of times when I catch myself not thinking, I get so scared. So I drive and drive and drive all by myself until I can shake this feeling of desperation and disaster. Sometimes it works, but sometimes I run in the house only to want to smash my head into the wall. I stop myself, though. It was hard enough explaining the fist sized hole in my closet door.

I'm not an angry person. I just get angry. And I hardly ever show it around people, but then I explode. And whenever you think of explosions...you know they're never a good thing. I pray and pray and pray some more.

Everything will be fine.