Time to grow.

"There are greater things ahead than any we leave behind."
C.S. Louis

I fell asleep last night, not remembering any conversation I had been having. I woke up and I wasn't in my grandparents house and I realized my friends were gone. This week was good for me...but was it good for them? I seem to always, inevitably, mess things up. I often wonder how I am capable of being loved.

Behnoosh was telling me last night that before I can help the world, I must help myself. That is true. I cannot talk about changing the world, I cannot talk about making a difference BECAUSE I AM A MESS.

There.

I remember one night a couple days ago when me and my best friend were crying in the bathroom and I was reminded of how much I hurt her last year. And that was a new sort of pain. Something that made my chest burn.

God, where is the consistancy in my life?
Seasons change. All the time.
So why can't I change? I obviously need to as I am listening to my sister and grandma tell me all the things I'm doing wrong and why. How can they possibly know, though? I don't make excuses but why won't they listen to me? Maybe then they'd realize why I am like I am. I dress weird because sometimes I just don't care. I get angry so easily because my old wounds are constantly swirling around in my dreams. I love acting because the long rehearsals allow me to almost never be home. I'm hurt so easily because I feel like I'm never loved. I want close friends because I've found that they are the ones who always have the capacity to love me-when I feel like my family doesn't.

"friendships don't make you live, they just help you keep living."