When You're around, I'm found.

I want to start fresh. No memory of the past, no recollection of how much I've messed up, or who I've let down. I've let alot of people down. Including myself.

I try and trace back to a happy moment. A place where God was the center of my life and I treated everyone right. My friends, my family, people who's names I didn't know.

When I hugged my best friend by the baggage claim. 6 months is a long time to not see your best friend. I remember everything seemed funny for the next 3 hours and I was like a freshly lit candle. Really bright, really apparent. I remember coming home to an empty house, opening up the cocoa puffs, listening to music, and playing snow baseball. Can I have that moment back? I remember falling in the snow, wondering why I was wearing a skirt, and closing my eyes for just a moment to thank God for Maggie. Life had been rough.

Going to Lifestream with Matt. Before I knew who he really was, and after I thought I knew him. Standing with our hands lifted singing worship songs at journey. I felt like God was connecting us. I felt so much lighter than now.

Going to the sunflower fields with Austin and Abby. Letting the rain pour down on my face and not caring that my jeans were getting soaked. Just appreciating simplicity. Appreciate the friends who were spinning in circles with me. Imagining no future without our unbreakable friendship.

Sitting across from Joseff at my favorite park. Him telling me how beautiful I was. The first time I ever really heard a boy say that to me, and mean it.

Sitting alone in balcony of my church on the furthest pew up, talking to Chad. Reading the bible with me over the phone. Smiling so much that my face hurt. Caring so much about a boy who'd never care about me in the same way. Always thinking that he saw some difference in me. Always just...thinking about him. For no particular reason.

All those times I felt the presence of great company, followed by God. Every single person I've mentioned, I've lost. Some as recent as a week ago. Some as long as almost over a year ago. God brought them into my life, and also took them out. Maybe I wasn't focusing on Him as much as I should have been. Maybe it just happened. Maybe I'm a bad person. Maybe this prooves how I'm an awful friend, I don't know. All I know is that when You God...When You're around, I'm found. And I feel so alone. And I'm not sure if it's because the friends who used to reside in my heart-left-or maybe I'm just not looking in the right places. But God, I miss you. I miss feeling whole. I need to feel whole.

Giving up. Why does it always seem so ideal for me? Rest. Release. Relief. That's why giving up sounds perfect. Cause fighting hasn't prooven to get me to prevail through these hard times. Where is my heart? Where is my faith? Where is my God? I know where I am. Sitting in my room, in my chair, staring at the screen, holding back tears, and typing. That's precisly where I am. But Lord...please come out.