Copius amounts of...anything.

I've been clasping my fingers together so tightly lately, that they're almost a permanent blue.

God, there's so much to be thankful for.
The last couple days I've been going through all my stuff to give away to salvation army. You know what makes me sick? I really feel like throwing up as I type thinking about all the freaking kids on the street, tonight. I don't understand. All the families who are so cold while I sit in my heated comfortable room. I don't like this. I don't want to be comfortable. I'm going to go turn my fan on, hold on.

I still don't feel better. A little more cold, but that's it.

BEHNOOSH IS A STAR.

Call me a sucker, but I'm listening to Josh Groban. That man is...flippin talented.

I'm burning insence and the smoke swirls up and around my fan across the room near the ceiling. I can appreciate that.

I hope the homeless guy in Leanne's backyard is warm, tonight.

I miss my Uncle, today. Damn.
And I can't even remember what he sounds like anymore. I hate myself more than anything for that.

I want so many things. I think I've wrote many blogs about different things I want or need or complain about.

I want copious amounts of money. No, not for frivilous reasons. Screw that. I want to give some to "Beautiful Feet". Dude, that place changed me in so many ways. I want copious amounts of food so I can go freakin give it to people. I want copious amounts homes. So that guy in Leanne's garage can have a real place to stay. I want copious amounts of...love.

Not to be cheesy, I swear. I just think that would be nice. Copious amounts of anything would be, really. Except for like alcohol or cigarettes, or cancer, or ladybugs.

There's so much to be thankful for.
Thank you Josh.

Caught in a blizzard.

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a little girl, again. Going over to my grandparents on Christmas Eve and "helping cook" food for the following day. But really we'd put on our gingerbread aprons and oversee Mema. The woman who makes everything happen. The woman who still, to this day, makes me the happiest girl ever. Then our parents would pick us up, and we'd go eat somewhere together. And then afterwards we'd take mom home and she cooked Christmas cookies while Samantha, daddy, and I looked at Christmas lights in Hall Park. There was this roof that always had a chu chu train on it. We'd marvel at the lights and feel so happy when we turned on the radio and heard the "santa radar' and sang to the lttle drummer boy. Then we'd come hom, uwrap our pretty ornament we got every year from mom, and eat a cookie and set some out for santa. We'd all watch Frosty the snowman then anxiously crawl into our beds anticipating the wonderful morning ahead.

Today I went over to my grents house. Actually did cook. Our parents picked us up because of the blizzard and I went home and cleaned my room. We ate dinner, hardly as a family, and here I am again...cleaning my room. I've been in my room all night...sulking...wishing it felt more like Christmas. Wishing my family would wake up. They're all tired I guess. No cookies, no lights, no frosty...no santa.

I'm grateful, though. I promise.

A sillouette of broken promises.

I promise with every ounce of who I am; I'm trying.
I promise that the only reason I give up, is because I think I can't move.
Move on, move up, move forward...move outta here.

I promise that I don't try hard enough.
I promise that I don't do my best.
I promise, that even if I act like your love is meaningless-it means the world. It would mean the world to hug you sometimes; feel loved by you, sometimes. I wonder what it would feel to have your arms around me. Not a hug, I've had countless, but a person holding me together. Protecting me. I bet the world would stop for this moment.
The world would say "Hey! Look there, he loves her. That father would move mountains for his daughter. That father is her rock. That father is a father whom that girl can look to and see God."

I promise that I've never felt that way.

I can't complain.
I can't play the victim.
I can't act like I am without.

That would be a lie. I have so much. Too much.

I have a home. Food to eat. 30,000 children die every night of starvation and malnutrition.
How do I even have the right to complain?

Yet here I am...still typing. Still pitying myself when I have plenty of others things I could be doing. Like my stupid psychology paper.

When things got bad, I promised myself I wouldn't fall.
I wouldn't lose myself and I wouldn't conform.
One broken promise led to another broken promise which led to a sillouette of broken promises.

Not okay, Kels. Not okay.
Who do I think I am? I want soooooo much to make a dent on the world. I want my friends to look back on their life and remember that I was a part of it. A good part. I want my family to stop passing by me and grab me by the shoulders and say "Kelsey, take a breath! It'll all be okay." because sometimes I forget to breathe.

I want to go to Africa. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to help. I don't want to waste my life here, feeling inadequate. Now I know all human beings are inadequate. Everyone falls short because no one is perfect. I just need to move.

Move on, move up, move forward...move outta here.

Lift each other up

As a team you always want to build each other up. A slap on the butt, a congratulatory hug, or one of those fancy black handshakes. That last ones always funny to me. My best friend is a big black dude and seriously, whenever he sees another friend when I'm with him, they always have some pre-programmed handshake. I've tried to fit in with that whole handshake thing, and thought that as long as it ended in a snap-it would all be good. Wrong. The first time was my last.

Families. The people you receive unconditional love from. The people who have seen you at your worst and at your best, with that same darn smile. But I don't feel like I'm even close to flying. I feel low. Unimportant. Unloved.

This is a divergent feeling. I have plenty of people whom I know love me-just have this majorly skewed perception that it's conditional. Doubt it...alot. It's not a good feeling.

I'm wearing yellow shorts.

Have you ever met that one person who just gets you? Golly gee I sound like a grandmother, but it is so liberating to know I have a few of those people in my life. Dude, Christmas is around the corner. I need to be happy. Grateful. I need to start lifting others up. How can I expect to be lifted when I'm not moving? I want so much to be important-but there are more important things than that. Other people that mean more and Yahweh...he's número UNO. Come on, Kels.

Come on...

Shalom.

It was strange when I caught myself thinking about him. It was kinda nice before I remembered how much I hated him, all the same. I don't hate him...but the feelings stratteling the line.

We used to speed down Tecumseh listening to Ben Folds and burning insence. Windows down, minds open. And boy did I feel special to be so close to a college boy. Too close. He captures me the day we walked around the park in my neighborhood for hours, just talking. He told me something important...and I let him in. He came to every performance that year. Two nights in a row and he stayed until everyone left. I knew that because the first night he was sitting on the steps, and the second night he left a sunkist at the door. He planned to to go the river, and make a bonfire...he'd taken me to the river before. There was a tire in the sand a ways away. We made a bet that if he could throw this stick past the tire, then I'd have to kiss him. He did. And I followed through. Though I wish I hadn't. I let him in. I let him in too deep. And I'll never forgive myself for that. Who knew my best friend...sister almost...would hurt me so badly. So now they're engaged...

"Shalom" is the Hebrew word for "peace" or "a strong connection with God" or "hello" or "goodbye". I like that word because it holds such meaning. So I guess each day is a new one. And I suppose I should try to find shalom in everything. Even something as deep as my kidney.

Shalom.

Thanks alot, mate.

My blogs portray so many different feelings.
I don't care.

One moment, he said. Think of one moment with you and him. The best moment. The moment everything finally made sense. Mmmmm

At the park by my house. Sitting on the dock strumming guitars. Not caring and caring more than I ever have at the same time. He tried teaching me, but I was just happy to be there. With him. That fall...last fall...seems so far back. But that was the moment, I knew.

I had a dream last night of me and my dad. It was a memory. I was 10 and he took me to this lake far away and we skipped rocks for hours. Then we went to a hotdog stand and we both got mustard all over our faces. It's one of those moments frozen in time. One of the few good ones. I woke up wanting that moment back so badly. I miss him. I never thought I'd say that because of all the anger I have against him...but I do. I miss my family. My sister. Ever since she moved out entirely, I've been in this all by myself. I went downstairs and he was there. We all ate lunch together. That was nice. I was yearning to give my dad a hug, a real one, which hasn't happened in...years. But I was too scared. Then, of course, it started. He started mocking me and making fun of me and I felt like an idiot for even having that dream. I remember why I hadn't hugged him in so long. I ran upstairs and blared Vanessa Carlton. I dunno why.

Thank you.

"I thank my God everytime I remember you."

Mmmmmm. The aroma of pumpkin and family fills the room. We hold hands and pray around the table. My mind flashes back to a year ago. Forbidden to see the people I was holding hands with. That was hard. This overwhelming feeling of grief came about me. Thinking about how lonely I was last year without my grandparents and sister. How detached I felt from God. How much space that had grown between me and my best friend. How every night I couldn't even cry myself to sleep cause of my insomnia. How somedays...I honestly didn't care about the world, or what part I played in it. I didn't care. I was selfish. And I was empty.

Flash forward 365 days. Standing around the table. My grandpa thanking God. Praying for those people today, without. I subconciously started to hold back tears and as the prayer ended, I acted like I was yawning so they wouldn't ask me why my eyes were watery.

I have so much. Compared to last year, I should be the happiest girl in the world. Compared to the families with only each other, I have too much. And I can only yearn for the kind of love those families have. I bet they love each other more than we'd ever know.

Thank you so much. Thank you for the hands I got to hold, today. Thank you for broken unity, because even if my family isn't all put back together yet, thank you for those baby steps. Thank you for my grandparent...who give more than you could even imagine, just by breathing. Thank you for my sister. Even though we get at each others throat-she is my rock. Thank you for mended friendships. For those are the people who give me so much strength to get up and run to you. Thank you for picking me up, turning me around, and setting my feet on solid ground. Hallelujah. Thank you Jesus. Such a beautiful song. Such a beautiful God.

Thank you, Yahweh.

Dutch.

I missed him so much today, that I started to cry. I curled up in my bed and grabbed his blanket he gave me. I haven't washed it even once, because I don't want his smell to go away. The traces of cologne are still absorbed into the material-so whenever I'm missing him I ball up the blanket, and press it tight against my face.

Last year was hard...and he was the reason I was so happy all the time.
I miss you more than you'll ever know. Why do we have to live worlds away?

Thursday.

"The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never forget the drops of oil on the spoon."

Today had hope for tomorrow being better.
And let me tell ya, today was good. It's the simple things. Always the simplicity.

I was fashionably late to first hour, but she didn't notice. Creative writing consisted of merely writing imagery poetry. Really freeing, actually. Lunch at TEA cafe with Josh and Emily. So good to just talk and drink tea. We were 20 minutes late, but coach Blough doesn't ever care. Mema and I picked out the plays we're seeing on Broadway in New York in February :). mmmmmm. Then mom bought me a new Northface jacket and I went to barnes and noble with Josh to find a Humorous Duet for acting. We were successful! Green Eggs and Ham by Dr Suess. It's gunna be awesome, though. Then Austin and I hung out for a bit and he bought me the new John Mayer cd! I didn't even ask for it! I jumped in his truck and he said he had something for me, and he handed me the cd! Then I got home, finished my short story for creative writing, and talking to Behnoosh for a while. I love her. And just talking to people and listening to my new cd and smelling lavender.

I could just go on forever about today. And since was supposed to just be hopeful for tomorrow's potential...tomorrow is going to be flawless. Thursdays are always so good, though. You know, I never saw that much importance for Thursdays, until Casey pointed it out. We were in English sophmore year thinking of a lunch day we should have, seeing as how I had just gotten my license. She said Thursday, because Thursdays are the best days. I asked her why and she told me because it means it's one day away from the weekend and seriously, ever since she explained all that to me-every Thursday has been way better than before. I look forward to them. It's amazing how little things like that can shape how you see things, and how you enjoy things. I now love Thursdays. Having lunch with Casey and either going to BK or ditching BK. Sometimes fellowship is good...and other times I just don't wanna have to sit through faded judgment.

I'm writing in huge blobs.

I get to see my best friend December 28th. It couldn't come any sooner. I don't really have a count down going on, but I am soooo excited to play with her and and my other friends for a whole week! Simple things.

Tomorrow is Thursday, and it's the musical. I'm excited. Only have 3 classes, then get to sit and see my friends perform for two and a half hours. Then New Moon tomorrow night! Now, I'm not even one of those pshyco obsessed girls, but I am looking forward to it.

I wish I could play the guitar.
I love folk music.
Sometimes I don't shower.
I want some tea.
Kissing John Mayer needs to happen.
I hate my room.
I love sleep but rarely do it.
Colorado.
Colorado.
Colorado.
I need it.

Simple.

"Dreams are the language og God."

Ya know......IT'S THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE THAT ARE THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY.-says Paulo Coelho.

That dude is a genious.
Something in his book 'The Alchemist' really stuck out with me.

"When someone sees the same people everyday, they wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn't what others want them to be, they become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own."

Now how much does that shine through. Sigh :/

This is so scatter brained.
I'm applying at El Chico tomorrow to be a hostess. Wippe...

Sheep.

The reason I love you so much, is because of those rips.
The fact that you love me through mine, and the fact that you move through your own. I observe so much growth in you. And I think I was just hurt because you're so above it all. I don't want you to become a monster, like I am. You're too beautiful for that. We all fall short. Way too much. Even if it ache's so badly, we all displease Yahweh. But He will love us through everything. You're a great friend. The real problem lies within myself.

Your light will shine when all else fades.

I love Sundays. But something always feels off when I wake up to an empty house, realizing I hadn't gone to church this morning. I like being alone, though. It allows alot of stretching.

I blare my music to where it should hurt my ears, but doesn't. Play the piano. Loud. Hard. But it's such a release. I've gotten to the point where I don't even have to look at my fingers or focus on the notes. My hands glide from A to A to D to A to F. This harmonic sound fills the room and I feel the fullest I have in a while. Just listening to the music. Closing my eyes, and moving my foot on and off the pedal like a dance step. So carelessly, but so real.

Everlasting.

This weekend was rough. Ya know, it was also beautiful. What am I saying? Blessed, blessed, blessed weekend. But yes, kinda painful. All these different emotions all at once. Pound. Pounding. Blaring. But my music eradicates the yuckiness. Bye bye.

I can't wait for my feet to move. Colorado, or Illinois, or Africa. Rawanda. Sweet little black babies and colors and God. God is everywhere, but God is there, too. God is sooo there. And I think He wants me to be there, too. My family? I don't know what they want. I never know what they want from me. All I know is that I have to keep moving. And I have to keep looking towards the light that is Yahweh.

Mmmmmm, Yahweh.

I remember one specific day, over and over. Quiet time surrounded by mountains and the best people I know. I spread out my towel on the thick green grass by the gazeebo. I collapsed onto it setting my journal and bible next to me. I remember laying on my hands and breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth and almost weeping. I was in the most perfect moment in my life. The mountians, I promise, were ENDLESS. My best friends were absorbing the same moment, feet away. And I realized what a blessed child I was: to be sitting in this CREATION, with my SISTERS, in COLORADO. Mmmmmmm I wanna be back so bad. And I opened my bible and I opened it up to a Psalm.

"Let morning bring me word of Your unfailing love. For I have put my trust in You. Show me the way that I should go. For You lift up my soul."

I scribbled down that verse in my journal and I wrote until I thought my fingers would fall off. I wrote of love, and love, and that's all I wrote about! Nothing else came to my head except for LOVE! The LOVE I have for my sisters next to me. The LOVE for the beautiful creation, AND THE LOVE FOR YAHWEH. For my beautiful God who brought me there. I want this moment back sooo badly.

Send me a letter. Draw me a picture on a piece of notebook paper. Call me. Something. Anything. Leave a penny on my doorstep, I don't care. Send me a bible verse. I'm waiting for something. Even if it is just a call. Even if it's just a whisper of something.

It's raining outside. And today is important.

This will destroy us all.

I just got home. It's 3:27 in the morning and my stomach is in knots. But not in a fantastically speeechless way. In a realization that he will always love her.

When I'm with him it's hard not to smile. So this time, I avoided eye-contact. When we pulled up in front of some gym called optimist, we laid our seats back and he gave me his jacket to keep warm. I turn my face towards his for just one little peek and what happened was what I knew would happen. My heart stopped, my thoughts didn't make sense...and yes, I smiled.

We talk about God. He's the only guy I'm close to who I can talk about God with. He asked me about the dusty "love life". Is he that blind? I couldn't look at him when I lied about not liking anyone and thinking that dating in highschool is stupid (which I still think it is).

He showed me where he sleeps, sometimes. He grabbed my hand and ran it through his hair. I told him he needs a shower. I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss his drumming in the car and compassion about everything.

Why did I fall so hard Freshman year? Why did he have to trip over my stupid shoes...

Restlessness.

Why am I not tired at 3:43 a.m.? And why isn't this an unfamiliar question? So much is on my mind. Today was a clutter of any emotion to ever feel. But today was good. Better than yesterday. Probably will be better than tomorrow.

I just want to sleep. But I find myself closing my eyes, breathing deeply, trying to clear my head-and nothing works. Ever.

Pain has purpose.

"Mostly you realize you can handle it."

Looking at any hard situation-you don't wanna have to bear the pain. But "we were only given this life because we're strong enough to live it."

There seems to be so many logical reasons to want to eradicate all the pain that has eroded...you can't handle it, or you just don't wanna have to handle it, or you feel like you don't deserve it, or something.

Yet even pain has purpose.
Pain has purpose.

There is a time for everything. Even suffering. Jesus suffered grace is offered without a blink of an eye. Grace, suffering, love, strength, we alllllll can see this we all can feel this.

Grace.

I take it for granted. How selfish. How blind.
How ignorant.

Why am I so easily hurt by people? Why do I focus so much on my relationships with earthly people, rather than God? Cause I know in my heart-if I put this much energy into my relationship with my heavenly father--then all of my other relationships would reflect Him.

I'll blame it on my vision. I got glasses yesterday, so now I have no excuse.

I'm here, Daddy. Sorry it took me so long.

AMEN.

There is a time for everything. A time to tear and a time to mend. Mend. There's a time to mend.

Bruised.

On days like these, I wanna disappear. And I do. I will. It will spare everyone, so much of me.

Coffee, filming, glasses.

Seasons of love.

Fall. I walk outside and fall down.
Fall. It smells like childhood. Walking to elementary school, passing a big maple tree everyday, leaves rustling around. The smell of the wind, the smell of pumpkins, the smell of colors.

Colors. Everywhere. On houses, on people, on trees.
I miss summer but I am learning to love fall. It's familiarly nice. This year will be better. Yet people continue to disappoint me :/ as do I continue to disappoint myself.

I'm giving blood tomorrow. Needles are one of my biggest fears. I'm really hoping to not pass out.

The usual.

3:02.

Sleeping isn't really that essential, is it?
God, I feel horrible. Couldn't sleep so I organized my bookshelf.
Still couldn't sleep so I looked through every page in the yearbook.
Have been wide awake, so I made some hot tea.
Here I am still. Writing. Writing about nothing.

No one sees what I see.
Don't you see that I wanna be better?

A release.

Even when your hope is gone, even when you're barely holdin' on, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that we were all made for love. So if you start to break...keep faith

It takes years to build trust, but only seconds to break it.
So many things. Too many things. Things I don't trust you with. Things I can't even trust myself with.

Remember when you were at summer camp or in middle school and you had to do the "trust fall"? They dropped me.

My mom hates it when I draw on my hand. I see it as, my personal piece of canvas. SO convinient. I drew a vine of leaves over the top of my hand from my index finger going down to my thumb.

My best friend who now resides in Florida for college, is moving home. I'm not excited...and I don't know why. It's so hard without her. But it won't be easy with her, either. Maybe it will just complicate things? Things aren't supposed to be easy, I want her here. But I want a challenge. Well...I got a challenge. Tonight was painful. Tonight I actually found out what other people see me as. Tonight I saw what my family sees me as. Tonight I saw who the person I look up most to-sees me as.

UGLY.

I go around breaking mirrors with my fists, walking under ladders, stealing cars, and jumping off the empire state building. With no ladder, with bloody fists, and how does a stolen car correlate? Hello again numbness. Well, I'd like to say hello again. Cause this hurts, ya know? Yeah. But hey, Kels, what the heckkkkkkk-DON'T.BE.WEAK.

Don't be weak. You can be brought to your knees, Kels. You need to be. You need to pray. You need to yell into a pillow...just not at him. Don't yell at him, don't talk to him, don't look at him. Tonight, I couldn't look at him. Tonight, I didn't want him to have to see my ugly face again, so tonight I looked away. Tonight I went home, looked in the mirror and covered it with paper. Taped paper to every single corner. Then took it down. I'm having an old friend stay tomorrow, and I don't want her to think I'm afraid of bloody mary or something.

I'm sorry. This is just...a release.
Tomorrow isn't promised...but if it gets here...it'll be better. I hope.

Hot shower, hot tea, hot face.
I'm sweating and my fan is on high. I want to smell there house again. I want to smell his cologne that he always wears but I can't. Cause I think he hates me. He doesn't hate me, but it sure feels like he does.

This isn't coherent. This is just for me. I'm sorry.

Love never fails.

Quench my thirst.

It's 10:09 and I'm tired?! There must be something wrong with my clock! Wait...there isn't? Weird. I've had insomnia for almost 3 years, now. Never once have I felt this tired so quickly.

I miss my grandparents. They live a minute away and I haven't seen them in almost 3 weeks..we got in a fight. It's weird. And much different. We've never fought for this long, before.

I wanna be an example. But I'm thirsty. I'm thirsty for the wrong things. For example-right now I am thirsty for tea. Even though I know I shouldn't drink it this late. Ok of course I'm not actually this literal. I'm thirsty for sin. For things that draw me away from the cross. Booooo. I hate living like this. The Lord should quench my thirst...and He does. So what am I doing in this dark place?

I am thirsty, I am thirsty.
I am thirsty or more of You.

Love that song.
Where is my purposeful life? Where did it go? Not little kid Kelsey, little girl Kelsey...who knew only what she was taught in Sunday school. Grown up, relatively matured Kelsey who knows better. She knows not to stick things into light sockets and knows the difference between sin and not sin. Purpose and meaning is all relative. If I'm living for the sin then I'm living for myself. If I'm living for myself-then what happened to my purpose? My promise to give up my life to the One who gave up His, for me.

I'm going to drink some water, now.

Trapped in an elevator.

Have you ever gotten trapped in an elevator?
If you would have asked me this questions 4 hours ago, my answer would've been no.

Tonight at biblestudy, 5 of the seniors (discluding me because of my sporadic attendance) had an adventure to take us on. They blindfolded the remaining 9 of us to take us on a worship expirience to somewhere that we've never been. As their hands guided the blind, they lead us into the elevator. We figured it would be much safer than taking 9 blind girls down 2 flights of stairs. I felt uneasy.

The door closed, and we were all touching shoulders. The elevator went silent at the sudden thump. The elevator was immovable, and I remember someone asking
"Grace, are we stuck?"
And her responding with
"No girls, it'll be fine"
Although not even a minute later she told us we could all take off our blindfolds. I wish I hadn't. I'm extremely clausterphobic. Alot of people may not know that about me because my love language is touch, and essentially, I don't mind being rather close to people. But being in an enclosed, hot, crowded area was different.

We all froze when we realized there was no one to help us. We pushed the emergency button that rang this bell and someone knocked on the elevator saying
"I really need to get in here"
All the while we're thinking "we REALLY need to get out!" Then the strange man's voice disappeared, and we had no rescuer. I can't remember who, but someone managed to call the youth director to help us out. While we were waiting for some form of human contact, we started to pray. Pray for safety and purpose. And when we ran out of things to pray about, we recited the Lord's Prayer.
Alecia asked Grace "Will we run out of air?" and Grace, afraid to tell the truth, said "No Alecia, we'll be just fine." Even though we all knew that the small space did not hold an infinite amount of air for 14 girls.

Our hallelujah came, when we heard Tino's voice. He told us to stand back from the door. Grace spread out her arms, like an angel, to protect us. We were frightened. He told us to stand completely still...we complied. As they lifted up the elevator, I felt like a whole new peace came about me. We were alive. And yes, you could argue that it wasn't a life threatening situation, or that it wouldn't be scary if it was you--but it was, hands down, one of the most terrifying expiriences of my life.

God will lift you up, no matter how far down you are.
God will provide you with oxogen, when you feel uneasy.
God will hold your hand, when you feel trapped in an elevator.

This isn't circumstantial.

Earlier this week, my friends Josh and Jade were acting extremely sketchy. Jade lives in Florida, and Josh lives here-but, they were both keeping something from me...and I could tell.

Wednseday night, Josh asked me to go to dinner after rehearsal. After we ate-he had the idea to drive by Jade's house for old times sake-and I had the idea to go in and catch up with her parents. (Which totally isn't weird, we know them well). So we're in their living room just chatting-and Jade walks in! That's why they had been acting strange, so they could surprise me! I hadn't seen her since the beginning of July and out of nowhere my best friend walks through her kitchen, and all I could do was cry tears of joy. You can imagine my excitement. My previous blog talked about how much I miss Jade-how blessed am I that I got to spend the last 4 days with her.

I'm tellin' ya, my God provides.

I make alot of mistakes. I'm so far away from being the awesome woman of God that I should be. I have so much more to go. And this morning, on top of being rejuvenated because of Jade's visit, I was filled up with some random exhuberant joy!

This morning's service was superb. Clark, the pastor, talked about how our lives as followers of God should look differently than those who don't know Him. God wants us to live differently and be intentional. I got a huge smashing pain of guilt. When people see me bouncing through the halls at school-can they tell that I am living my life all for Jesus? Probably not. And you know why? Because I'm not. Why am I not wearing hot pink to a funeral? What I mean, is why am I so afraid of being different? Jesus was different. And yes, he was nailed to the cross, but he lived a different life. He was perfect. He was loving. He was intentional in every way you could be.

Attitude is a choice that we make. We can blame our 'attitude' on our circumstances, but really, we are the one's in control of it. Not uncontrollable events. As soon as you change your attitude-God will move you forward. And today, I was moved.

I'm graduating in 8 months. I have no idea where I want to go, or what I want to do. My ACT scores are awful and my GPA is below average. All of my friends have this plan mapped out-and I'm scared. But the more I think and pray about it-the more sure I'm becoming. Next year, I'm going to join a gap year program. Either through the camp I attend (camp Kivu), or through Wheaton, or another organization. Some are accredited, which is ideal. I just need to leap. I need a year to find myself, I need a year to serve. Missioning for a year, or just going on missions, and learning who God wants me to be, and who God created me to be-is what I'm going to do. Staying here and going to a community college was what I was going to have to do. And there's everything perfectly fine about that-but I need some new scenary. I need to be brought to my knees in any way I can. I need the bottom to drop out more, and I need to be completely and totally driven to live differently. I'm praying so much for this gap year. Or some opportunity to serve come next fall of 2010.

Newness is a refreshing feeling I am praying for. I love my friends and I love my family and I love my God. But I am disappointing everyone, including myself. I need to find myself. I need to eradicate all of this sin and this guilt. I need to live differently. I need to be intentional.

Things become so hard. At points I feel like no one is really here. At points, all I want to do is to scream so loud that even the angels in heaven can hear me. And sometimes I feel like God isn't listening so I hope the angels relay the message to Him. But then I rub my eyes open, and realize He's right with me. He never left. And He never, ever, will think about doing so. I don't deserve this love. But I have it unconditionally.

Why do I feel lonely, when I have a constant daddy holding me.
Why do I feel empty, when I have Jesus in my heart.
Why do I feel blind, when there's so much grace surrounding me.
Why, why, why, why, why, am I not living fully.

Kels, you gotta step it up.

We sing to say something.

It's 1:16. Just I thought I'd familiarize ya with the time. The ime it usually says my blogs are posted, are usually always incorrect.

My mind is fading into last year...
I miss Jade. How she was the only person in Norman who understood me and didn't judge me at all. I miss performing with her, being her sister, and her holding me when I found out about the cancer. I miss acting with her. I miss the weird way she complimented me, that somehow always seemed to make me feel better about myself. I miss her hugs. How we would hold hands before we would perform and squeeze tight during the award ceremonies. I miss hearing "first place DD Webb and Verrill" and skipping up to get our trophies with tears in our eyes because we worked so hard and loved each other, all the while. I miss how she put me in my place whenever I was out of line. I miss having a best friend close. She's like...my sister.

Summer went by too fast. Hawaii was beautiful and seemed so far back...the countless trips to Misourri never got old, and the good conversation I had with my grandpa for hours. I miss Colorado, and the mountains, and my friends, and the bubble. God, I miss Maggie. How annoyed she'd get because of my restlessness. I'd always shake the bunk. How I almost killed her going down the river, and how she got a nose bleed. I miss our late night talks when I'd crawl in her bed as she tried to kick me out, and we ended up laughing till our stomach hurt...I need to appreciate quality time more.

It's not even softball season, but I can't tell you how much I MISS playing more than ANYTHING. And this was my year to start on varsity...but I had to quit for acting. So hard, though. I miss my constant bloody knees and dirt under my finger nails.

I miss our zero hour chats sophmore year, just as much as Casey. I miss talking about God and it never getting old or redudant.

There's so much to say...but my fingers are getting tired. I hope I didn't make too many spelling errors...I'm writing this via phone. My cousin said she was depresses, today. I told her to look at the bigger picture. Depression (without being medically treated) is usually just a circumstance. Tomorrows a new day.

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Amen.

I'm not perfect, just forgiven.

Goose bumps form whenever I think about last night. Only 24 hours ago, when I felt the most peace I've felt..in a really long while.

The three of us went to the river. It was late at night and about a 25 minute walk to get there. We filled the silence with humming and constant stops so he could pick the stickers out of his feet. Silly boy to go barefoot. We finally got there and the sand felt so good sifting between my toes. I took off my shoes and walked across the stream. If you stood in the damp sand too long it swept your feet under like quicksand. I miss it there. The solidarity and the simpleness of it being an ordinary river, but a phenomenon at the same time. It wasn't supernaturally beautiful. It just brought me so much peace.

We hopped through vegetation to find the perfect spot near the river. We passed a patch of daisies and I snapped one off and stuck it in one of the holes in my knot hat. The boy said it looked like it belonged there. :) I felt happy. We reached the river and I sat sandwhiched in between my best friend, and the silly boy with no shoes. It felt right to be where I was. Alot of times we'd just sit in silence, and other times someone would say something profound or irrelevant. Jokes here and there. But we just were appreciating everything. The silly boy has the most beautiful smile in the world. He told me I have some of the biggest dimples he's ever seen. My best friend drew someones name in the sand. A girl he will always love, but will never voice it. Silly boy taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I see the crane in the water. I do. It's a beautiful crane. I can't even see it's distinction but everythings beautiful at the river.

I felt so safe. Cold...but safe. I covered my feet up in sand while silly sticker boy tells us his views on life. And how we are far too young too know what true pain is. And that we can never say that we have nothing...we live in America, we always have something. What a beautiful soul. If only he knew...

Todays message in church was about our life story. And how we shouldn't let circumstances or people or events drive our life. God, God, God, you never cease to amaze the crap outta me.

A sticky good energy.

I wanna write a book, but none of it would make sense. It would be random and emotional and draining. But I wanna do it. I don't know what it'll be about. Maybe my life, my lack of breakfast, or my love for anything weird and colorful.

I hate my room. It's the epitomy of me, as an 8th grader. Had barely any friends, though I was so hungry for attention...my walls are hot pink and lime green. I'm starting construction next weekend. Doing a little fung-chua and painting over these God-aweful walls. Chalkboard paint on one wall. So I can just scratch down my feelings whenever I want. One wall white, and I'm going to wrote quotes and draw random things on there...don't entirely have my vision, for that. And the other walls just really chill colors. I don't know why I'm writing about this.

God tripped me.

God always has a funny ways of showing me things.

The other day I added a little bit of energy into getting ready. As I come walking out of my last hour, I see my ex-boyfriends, current girlfriend. She gives me the death glare, so I just decide to flaunt it. I don't even know what I had to flaunt, but I bounced down that hallway with all the confidence in the world, tossing my hair from my face, and simply giving this girl a smirk as I glide past. I feel her hot glare on me on me, but it's no sweat. So as I continue the long stretch of the hallway, thinking in my head-"boy did I give her a run for her money!"...I fell. And not just an 'oh hey I tripped' kind of thing. An obvious 'oh look at that girl who just fell!' type of thing. It was awesome. God tripped me.

Does that ever happen to you? You're going about your daily routine, and God trips you? Not necessariy what happened with me, but just a glitch in daily life, ya know...an abnormality. Things could be going peachy and all of a sudden your pants rip or you spill coffee all over your white v-neck. It happens to the best of us. And although some might be bad luck, I believe it could be so much more than that.
Maybe 'The Big Guy' is trying to get through to us? Maybe God was telling me to just..be me. Be myself. Don't try and be better than anyone else, because you'll end up falling face forward into the hallways as that mean-spirited Junior girl walks past you giving you a threatening look...BUT ANYWAY...not bitter...just having an epiphany!

I have an absolutely hands down awesome and blessed life. I say this with a hardened heart because life hasn't been easy, and it isn't easy now. But there are these rare and defining moments when I pluck upen my eyes late at night and review the day. Review the week, the month, the year, my life. It could be so much worse. It could be so much more difficult. I have a mother and a father, and even though my dad isn't a superhero and my mom and I don't see eye-to-eye...atleast I have them. Atleast I can say that I have a mother and a father and even if that love isn't so evident in our relationship...atleast I have that opportunity, that others don't.

I don't deserve my friends. They are too good for me, and I do not deserve one bit of their friendship. One second of their time. They are incredible. I have 5 people who would stand by me through fire, and two people who I trust completely. Two. That's it. I am an extrovert. I talk and I share my thoughts and feelings with people (probably far too much). But only two people that I fully put my trust in and only two people who understand me most. God has been too good to me, and they have been too good to me. I have a short fuse. The smallest things eat at me and I always feel the need to address them, or the hole just gets bigger and bigger. Yet something I learned tonight is that...I'd rather have a large hole in me...than to be disconnected or hurt the people who I don't deserve anyway.

What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Don't take me for granet. HA!

I take alot of things for granted. Coffee. It's beautiful and wakes me up. Rainy days. They allow me to breathe and relax. Acting. It helps me forget about my momentary troubles to create a whole new world. God. He's my rescue from everything.

I need to eradicate all of these silly struggles I seem to create. I fill my head with the most abstract things, only to empty it upon capture of something unique and distinguishable. Ugh. Just when I'm getting to the good part. I could type it out...but my mind is like mush...and I'm not even tired. 12:30 to me is like 8:30 to you. Way too early to even contemplate sleep. And if you try and lay down, you know it'll be pointless. However, I'm going to go lay down now...to think about my day. This week, this month, this year. My life. And hopefully I'll fall asleep hopeful, and hopefully I'll wake up feelin' optimistic. I love my family. And I love my friends. And God has awesome ways of tripping me.

Everything will be fine.

All I can smell is my lavender insence, telling me everything will be fine.

I'm trying to piece together my insecurites. Trying to figure out just why my hair swoops a certain way, and why I like my room so cold. Why is it that I love bracelets, skirts, and my TOMS as if they were attached to my skin. Why can I sing with my mouth closed and have the 10 year discipline to read music and play piano. Why do I breathe, why do I live, why is my name Kelsey?

Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.BEEP BEEP BEEP. and I'm awake. After a restless night of not sleeping, I am awake and totally not ready for the day. This was this morning. It's now 10:30 at night and I cringe at the realization of not being tired. The knowing that I probably won't be for another good 4 hours. Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3ish. Sometimes I'm lucky, though.

Night before last I went to sleep early, because I wasn't feeling well. My good friend called me at about 2 in the morning, a time I'd usually be up. I called him back last night to see what was up...and he said he just wanted to talk. I miss him. Probably more than he'll ever know. And probably because I'm so in like with him that sometimes it's hard not to just yell it at the top of my lungs.

I'm writing and playing the music for our one-act play, Othello. My best friend is Othello, the big black main character...and Josh is amazing at it. He deserves it. And although writing all the music and rockin the keyboard is an honor, I miss communicating with the audience on a more verbal level. People don't really pay attention to the background music, anyway. But oh well.

Alot of times when I catch myself not thinking, I get so scared. So I drive and drive and drive all by myself until I can shake this feeling of desperation and disaster. Sometimes it works, but sometimes I run in the house only to want to smash my head into the wall. I stop myself, though. It was hard enough explaining the fist sized hole in my closet door.

I'm not an angry person. I just get angry. And I hardly ever show it around people, but then I explode. And whenever you think of explosions...you know they're never a good thing. I pray and pray and pray some more.

Everything will be fine.

You're everything.

I don't know if I can do this, anymore.

I mess up, more than I make anyone proud.
Something pushes me down, everytime I try to jump up.

It's impossible.

Pound. Pound. Pound. Says my head and heartbeat, trying to keep up. I don't know if I can do this. The people I love most in life, where are you? The people who love me, I can't see any of you. Are you still there? My God. Pops. Can we talk? Or you can talk and I'll listen. Please speak loud. It's hard to hear anything past this constant pound.

I'll be standing in the middle of Nordstroms, and get this wave of something. Something that clenches shut my mouth and makes my eyes all glassy and my palms sticky. I want to be anywhere except for where I am. I can't fall victim to this feeling. But I do.

All that is resounding in my head is the words of someone who's supposed to love me, asking, "why are you so stupid?!" and it's like a broken record playing in my head, and I can't shake it away.

I look in the mirror. I don't wanna look in the mirror anymore. I look at my family. They don't wanna look at me anymore. I turn around to look at my friends...but they're gone. My God, you're the only one left. I'm listening.

They call it love, love, love.

I dangle my hand out the window, carelessly, and let the wind take it. It's so cold as it sweeps through my fingers, that it makes my hand go numb after a while. I look ahead. I see a stoplight of red, yellow, green. Go. Everything is blurry as I accelerate my speed going faster and faster, the wind still throwing my hand up and down. Parachute is playing on my stereo. The song I like is 2 minutes long so I keep starting it over while breathing through my nostrils, deep. To just...get enough air. I pray for something to happen. Anything. Maybe some car will crash into me or my breaks will stop working. I cross my numb fingers and hope for change.

If you ask me what I learned today, I would tell you two things. The first being that: you shouldn't climb on bookstore ladders that say "employees only". Trust me. And two, being, "sometimes it takes painful expiriences to make us change our ways". What's it mean for someone like Jesus to lay it all down for us? God pulls us through our struggles which ultimately will make us tougher than tough. What does that mean? What does it all mean? Well, I think they call it, love, love, love.

Pull yourself together.

Today was horribly alright.
Today. Existed.

Today started off surprisingly...okay. Couldn't complain. It was a breath of fresh air to realize that it would actually be that way...okay, that is. And I'm okay with okay. Later in the day, I realized that God had other plans for me...than just ok.

This dream I have dreamt for ever since I was a little, curious, lost, and vulnerable freshman...was crushed. And when your dreams are crushed...you don't recover quickly. But I'm not promised anything...except for God's undeniably strong love. And that helps.

Tonight, my friend Casey picked me up..and we drove. With no destination, really. We went to this tea place so she could eat, and I put soy sauce in the water and took a sip. Don't ever do that...I dared myself. Then we drove again, and ended up at a park. The "falling sky" park? And then we went to her house and she burnt me a cd and when we popped it in-only 3 tracks worked...but that was okay. I like the first 3alot, anyway. Then we drove and drove and the sun looked like a "peach". And we listened to the same song on repeat while hanging our feet out the window, even though we were both wearing skirts...but it was one of those careless feelings. The one that makes you wanna stick your hand out the window and let it dance in the wind. The one where it doesn't matter if you're not speaking, or where you are, or where you're going. You just keep moving and listen to the lyrics.

"I could be a bigger man bigger man.
But really what's a bigger man?
Love is nothing more than an action...
So pull yourself together man, smaller man.
Do it for the bigger man, bigger man.
How easy it would be if we could really see the plan?
But really, what's the plan?"

I bounced around...but those are some of the lyrics. Mmmmmmmmm.
"sooooo good" as she would say.

She dropped me off, and I realized that I hadn't once thought about the letdown of today. I just enjoyed the simplicity of everything.

To make things better, I gotta talk to my other half. She called me when I got home...and I always feel happier after we talk. I say "other half" because we are always talking, or texting, or reading each others mind. Well, maybe not that...but she knows me backwards and forwards. She lives in Georgia, and it's tough. Distance becomes a barrier, whether you realize it or not. Sometimes you want to help the other out so much...but it seems almost unnatainable because you can't give them a hug and tell them "it's okay", in person. But it's just one of the obstacles to get through. I think that only an indestructable friendship could get through what we have gotten through.

God only gives you things He knows you can handle...yet He also equipps you with ways to help you through...like tonight it was good music, aimless driving, Casey, and my other half. I feel rejuvenated. And although this crushed dream will still carry some hurt and anger...tomorrow's a new day. And I just gotta pull myself together.

Almost honest

It's 12:53, and I've lost my mind.

Do you ever look so closely at one thing, until it gets blurry and undefined? I do.
Do you ever want to just keep driving and driving, until you run out of gas and places to go? I do.
Do you ever walk through the halls at school, wondering what battles the girl with red eyes is facing? I do.
Do you ever close your eyes tight enough, in hopes that when you open them, everything won't hurt as much? I do.
Do you ever just wish for one more conversation with that person who's in heaven now? I do.

Everything...and then nothing...and then scrambled up thoughts.

I'm staring at my pink wall. How the edges of the paint mold into these wrinkley lines all up and down my wall. My fan is spinning and spinning and my head is throbbing with the thought of waking up in 6 hours, when I know I won't fall asleep for another two.

I figit, alot. Am constantly moving. My acting teacher has had to teach me various different techniques in order to keep my body somewhat still. Ask my best friend in the world. We shared a bunk at kamp and I hardly a remember a moment where I wasn't shaking the entire bed in discomfort. I hate stillness. Even in life, if I'm not moving it just feels like I'm not going anywhere, at all. And it's aweful.

I'll probably delete this entry in the morning. It's becoming hard to breathe.

At the end of the day, I always think about anything I could have done differently to allow a better outcome in any given situation. Today, my flaw was being almost honest. Lord, I need some fullness. I need the stars, I need fresh air, I need good music....I just need You.

School starts tomorrow. The last "first day of highscool" as all the seniors are saying. I don't wanna be sentimental. I just want to make the most of this year and move on. Keep moving, moving, moving-I'm SO ready to grow. I feel so held back here. I just need to jump off the roof and fly. Not like superman, i'm not that optimistic...I just need new scenary...

Change is coming. And I'm ready for it.

Let's hold up the world.

My mother and I sit at the dinner table in silence. I have all these thoughts spinning around my mind and all I want to do is yell. Yell at her...for so many things. But the silence stands. I'm mostly just mad at myself, I guess.

Tonight was the last real night of summer. School starts on Thursday, and the idea makes my stomach crawl. I'm just ready to get out of here. Tonight was unexpected...but undoubtadely good. My friend Marisa and I climbed atop our most favorite roof. We just laid on top of the furniture store and I couldn't help but obsess over how blue the sky was. As dumb as it sounds, I felt like I could fly. We did this thing where we stand up, swing our head between our legs, and look up. It feels like you're holding up the entire world.

Later, I had a surprise visit from my ex boyfriend. It was weird. He told me to come outside and I opened the door...and there he was. We talked for a while until Austin, my best friend, came to the rescue. I jumped in his car, and we headed straight for one of my favorite places to be. The place we've gone to for the last 3 nights in a row. We crawled into the back of his truck and marveled at all the stars. I took astronomy last year, and tried to make out the constellations...but all I could see was this indescribable phenomenon. Perhaps, that was an advantage, though. I was okay with not knowing the names of the patterns...as long as they were there for me to look at...nothing mattered. Time stood still.

Scribbles of nothing.

Another good night that ended with sitting in the country, and enjoying this earth. I feel so full. Full of joy and expirience. I'm sitting at my computer, scraping the paint off my desk, not even close to being tired. I'm thinking about everything and then nothing, all at once.

All the time I want to figure this life out. Why I'm here, where I'm going, why I was put in the situation God placed me in, and who am I...really? I constantly ask myself this. I know God is still molding me, and that these mountains in my future will be good. They will be good for my health and my heart, and they will make me strong. Stronger than I am right now. Which isn't saying much.

I'm listening to Coffey Anderson, wondering what he thinks in his genius head. That man writes good music. Such good music. When I have a feeling like I do now, I want to grab my ipod and my big 90's headphones and hop on my bike and ride to the park. To my spot that helps me thing about things I can't think about just any place. It's like my own little world...and I wish with everything that I was there right now. Either there...or in Colorado. Either in Colorado, or in my own little world where nothings harmful. Just for a moment. Just so I can...breathe. Breathing would be wonderful. It's so simple and I yearn for that. I yearn for too much. I should be content. And I am, for the most part. I am blessed. I am blessed. I know that I am blessed. I am full yet as I catch myself over-analyzing I realize that I am empty, too. What a complex girl I am to be full and empty at the same time. Ignorance is my fault.

Running, running, running I wish I was running. Not away from my problems, or my overwhelming stress, or anything physical...just...running.

You know that feeling you get when you think about a really happy memory? One that you think about and don't even have to close your eyes to see it happening all over again. You remember every uninportant detail. What you were wearing and if the people you were with had shoes on that tied. You remember everything and catch yourself smiling one of those smiles other people notice. And you glow. Your dimples are noticable and you laugh for no reason...even if nothing's funny. And if someone you're with asks you why you're smiling...you just laugh and say "it's nothing"...when it's actually everything to you. That one memory, means the world.

Heat Lightening.

Tonight I sat in the back of my best friends truck out in the country, and we watched the heat lightening under the stars. Sometimes I need things like that. Just simple good conversation with good friends and...heat lightening. The simplicity of it all makes it that much more enjoyable, I think. And it's always nice to bask in things like that. Just to know that not only did God create you...but He created that electronic-like squiggle in the sky.

So, we're all broken...yeah. I was thinking about that. As meteocre as my struggles may seem to be or as big as they are...I'm not alone. And this is a comfort. Yet this also allows me to see how selfish I am. How I shouldn't let things so small, sit for so long. While I just stubbed my toe and am sprawled out on my floor wincing in pain...ever 6 seconds someone dies of starvation in Africa. As I struggle to find meaning in my destructive life, someone tries to find meaning in why God took away their parent. As I become so easily angered by things that don't matter, a little girl comes to peace about finding out Santa Clause isn't real. Heat lightening can really put things into perspective :).

Here I am. Phew.

A dear friend of mine suggested that I start a blog, so here I am. First off, I'll introduce myself. I'm not familiar with this whole blogging thing, and I've realized I'm probably just talking to myself. However, my name is Kelsey, and I am insane. I live at 3396 don't stalk me. What if I posted my phone number, address, and the park I ride my bike to everyday, on here? Now there's a way to find out if I have any readers! If I randomly get shoved into a white van, I'ts atleast good to know someone's reading this :) Yet I know I'm spoiling all your hopes and dreams by saying my name is, in fact Kelsey, and I am homeless. I live everywhere and am learning to love life more and am absolutely crazy in love with this guy Jesus Christ. Yeah, He's kind of a big deal. If you don't know him, gimme a shout. He's pretty cool to talk about and I can fill ya in.

I've had insomnia for about a year and a half now. I guess you could say that I'm used to it. I've been on many different medications, had blood tests, and even therapy-yet I still struggle to fall asleep at night. Aside from that-I'm a blessed little girl, if I do say so myself.

So, here I am. I don't think it's important for you to know what I look like or what I do on the weekends...let me just share my heart with you. To whoever is reading this. And even if no one does..maybe it will not only allow me something to do while not being able to sleep, but also help me discover more about who I am, and who God created me to be. So, I'll share my thoughts with you...whoever "you" are...even my struggles, joys, and everything that God has to teach me. Thanks for reading...if you did. Peace out, girl scout.